Week 8 Recap

Hey punks,

Is it just me or does it seem like it's just one of those seasons where everyone's team sucks. I don't think I've talked to a single one of you who is satisfied with their team/season. (College Football is kind of the same way this year. Tedd Ginn too.) We say we're up, then we say we're down....

Cobra Commander 85.59 Dead Kennedys 67.17
After landing at #1 in the power rankings, the Dying Steves have promptly lost two in a row. (Time for a name change, methinks!) This week, he lost to the lowly Commish, getting little-to-no production from any RB or WR not named F Gore. Call it a hunch, but I'm guessing he's bitter. ... Prediction for this upcoming week: Steve plays the wrong QB and pukes himself in disgust.


Creeping Death 90.74 The Expendables 68.57
Mazzle is in sole possession of both first place and a circa 1987 Garbage Pail Kid card of himself. He puts in a good ol' fashioned beat down of Maine, and moves to 6-2 on the season. And thanks to his pickups of Miles Austin and Vernon Davis, he might just have enough juice to stay in first place (until the playoffs, of course). He might be the only happy team owner this week. .. Meanwhile, I can smell Maine's rotting corpse from here.

OopsIWittenMyPants 70.41 Cleveland Browns 58.38
This was pathetic. Falafel was too hungover to set his lineup and Sausage King was too (apparently) stoned to set his properly. No excuses - you both should be embarrassed. At least Falafel is still in contention. I believe you can count the Sausage King out now.... Down to the final 7 on Chicken Bone Idol.

Kwan of the Thong 79.76 The Dane 71.83
Color me shocked! Dane Judy Dench is currently the only team in the league with a .500 record. Oh sweet mediocrity! ... Thong got the weak win in this one, thanks to MJD making the hella most of his 8 carries and Reggie Wayne catching a random TD from Joey Addai. ... In other news, judging by his haircut, Mike Frank is secretly a lesbian.
http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com/


Hump or Death 85.63 The Wanstaches 72.11
96.8 - any clue what that number is? It's Robby's weekly points against average. Lucky the Fins beat the Jets, or else he might have carved his wrists up for Halloween. .. Meanwhile, Little Brother Cole gets another win, but this one is costly. He loses Owen Daniels for the season, and maybe Steve Slaton too. I knew that Texans thing couldn't last...

Toodles,
- The Commish

Week 7 Recap

Recap, Re-schmap. This season has gone from suck, to suck-slightly-less, to blow. Everything that was good and holy fell to pieces over the weekend. Let's try to pick them up a bit, shall we....

The Dane 81.96 Cobra Commander 76.30 Hmmm..anyone think I should have started the Saints Defense instead of the Bears? Just another example of my total ineptitude this season. Just not my year. Though I still has a shot going into Monday night, but the Redskins suck just as much as me. I felt dirty just pulling for them, and needed a Desnyderfication shower when I got home. On the inexplicable winning side, Dane Cook managed to not only win, but win his 3rd game in a row, forcing his way into something resembling contention. 7-7 here he comes!

The Expendables 93.57 Washington Redskins 80.48 Maine is in the win column! Sean renames his team the Redskins, as he loses to a previously winless/witless team! I couldn't be less excited about any of this!

OopsIWittenMyPants 80.12 Dead Kennedys 78.31 Oh the Monday night drama! Now this one actually was a bit exciting, with Steve's Karma finally enjoying a bye week. He throws up a middling 78 score and Falafel is just above average enough to eke past him, thanks to Aaron Rogers and newly acquired Darren Sproles. ... This was also the battle of Defenses with Falafel and DK putting up a 20 and 19 spot, respectively with Indy and the London Pats. .. But at least Steve didn't lose because his starter Eli Manning threw 3 picks in a painful Giants loss. That would have really sucked.

Hump or Death 110.33 Kwan of the Thong 77.22 Don't look now, but Little Brother Cole (LBC) is in 3rd place and for real, with the 2nd highest point total in the league. And he's doing it on the strength of...wait, really? He's doing it on the strength of the Texans crazy offense. The Texans? Really?!? The Texans!!?!! I am so sick of everything this asshole touching turning to gold. That's it. If Tamayo ever comes back, we're kicking LBC out of the league. Seriously, I'm sick of him. Fuck him and his family. He can go fuck himself somewhere else.

Creeping Death 131.71 The Wanstaches 101.57 Speaking of bitter...Hi Robby!!! If it makes you feel any better, you're not the one fucking up your season. The fantasy football gods are just against you this year. Not good times. ... Meanwhile, every time I write something about Bradley being a pretender, he goes and throws up a silly score. Maybe I should start charging him for my taunts....


Til next week, true believers...

- The Commish

Power Rankings

Yes, simpletons, your (mostly) trusty Commish is back. In my 2 week absence, UVA is 2-0 and in the wins column as the only undefeated team in ACC play; the Fins are 1-0 and back in the AFC East race; the Steelers are 2-3 and back tied for first in the AFC Norris; the Gators are luckily 2-0 and back atop the BCS standings; and the Redskins/Lions/Raiders trifecta could not suck more if they tried. As far as this league goes, with the exception of my sorry team and Maine's attempt to lose his Chicken Bone league membership status, everyone is still in the thick of things. Let's break this down, team-by-team with some power rankings:

CLEO LEMON DIVISION:
#10: The Expendables (pronounced Ex-pen-da-blays)
On paper, they don't look too bad. Sure, they're more receiver heavy than DirectTV. And sure, they drafted Greg Camarillo for no reason whatsoever. And sure, they have less depth than a kiddie pool (but weirdly, just as much urine). But they at least had the good sense not to start Mark Sanchez this week. Wow, I think -7.22 points has to be some kind of record. That's about the only thing that's gone right for this team so far though. How long before Maine fires himself as GM and goes after someone from Rotoworld? It's time to shell out the big money for a difference-maker. Time to make a move.

#9: The Cobra Commishes
Injuries. Bad Drafting. Bad Roster Management. More injuries. Inexplicable Matt Forte ineffectiveness. Bad Karma. This team is the perfect storm of incompetence. I can't say enough bad things about what is going on here. And I'm going to have to say what I would say for any other owner - The Commish is done. D-U-N, done. Warrick Dunn. Stick a fork in this team. Not even a reverse jinx going on here. ... I mean, as of this writing, I am down 100 points to my brother. If Jason Cole was alive, he would have never stood for that kind of thing. ... I'll see you folks in this Recap space, on the message board, and at the draft next year. But I'm clearly not showing up on Sundays.


ASPIRING TO MEDIOCRITY:
#8: The Dane!
MFrank moves to 3-3, and couldn't be happier. Average for him is a triumph of the spirit. He has longed for the day when he could go home, kiss his wife and kids, and announce proudly that he has no longer lost more than he has won. Huzzah!! A happy day for MFrank indeed! Drew Brees is the wind beneath his wings, potentially carrying him to a glorious 7-7 record! Huzzah!! Huzzah!!


A HINT OF IMPISHNESS:
#7: Falafel In His Pants
Will go as far as Westbrook and Tomlinson will take him, which is a scary proposition. Falafel has won a few games, but when you see his name on your Matchup for the week, you're not exactly shaking in your boots. He's the Houston Texans of the league. Sure, he can put of the occasional high point total, but wouldn't you rather go up against him than almost anyone? He's just not scaring anyone, and that's no way to win the Chicken Bone Cup.

#6: Brother Cole
The Hated One is still hanging around outside the fringes of the playoff race, but potentially having just enough mojo to make a run. He's got just enough above-average player depth to thrive during the bye weeks and just enough top-shelf talent to put up some big numbers. Here's the problem: Karma. He's just out of it. In the end, his bad Karma is going to catch up to him when it matters most and crush his 3-peat hopes like a grasshopper under his work-boot.

#5: Kosher Sausage King of Reston
As much as I wanted to write Thong's name in this slot, the KSK is clearly inferior to the Thong-man this season. He's relying on an inconsistent Tom Brady, an inconsistent Michael Turner, and an incontinent Larry Johnson. That is not a kosher recipe for long-term success. You can't count him out though; for if he manages to sneak into the playoffs, he'll just need to win 2 in a row. That, he might be able to do, despite his blandness and baldness. (As an aside...Tom F. Brady! .. I mean, damn!)

#4: Mazzle
He's lumped in this section of teams for 2 obvious reasons - 1) His team isn't actually very good. and 2) Even if he holds on to make the playoffs, he'll lose. It's as simple as that really. .. In other news, he had 55 combined point from Bernard Berrian, Big Ben, and Thomas Jones this week. On his bench. So there.


THE CONTENDERS:
#3: The Mighty Wanstaches
He slips to 3-3, with his Colts on a bye week, but Robby is still not to be trifled with. He has the top shelf talent to be scary every week. You can bet that he'll make all the wrong roster moves down the stretch, but there's really no way he can screw up a team this good. Having Peyton Manning and Adrian Peterson will do that for ya. Also on the plus side, he has proven himself capable of ignoring his wife and/or child in favor of football, and living to tell about it. That is new, and it bodes well. Very well.

#2: Thooooooonnnnnnng!
Someone's Thong is on fire! After starting off 0-2 and being left for dead, the Thong-man has ripped off 4 wins in a row and is poised to make a deep impact on this league. (Deep Impact was also, coincidentally, the name of a student "film" Thong, Falafel, and Maine made in college.) Barring a total collapse of the sun, he is poised to make the playoffs for the first time ever. Put the odds of Thong lifting the Chicken Bone Cup at a healthy 4-1.

#1: Steeeeeeeeeve!
Resistance is futile, and persistence wins championships. While there's always the chance he'll make one transaction too many, Steve has scratched and clawed his way up the power rankings. His team is strong and so is his will. No kids to distract him, no condo law he can't procrastinate, no girlfriend he can't sell into prostitution. Steve is officially the team to beat with the means to stay on top. Weird, eh?

- The Commish

Week 4 Recap

Well that's more the hell like it! A festive weekend was had by most, with big wins for the Canes, the Hoos, and the Dolphins. And if my math is correct, exactly 50% of Chicken Bone owners won their fantasy matchups. Which is slightly better than last week. So, good times! Here's how it all went down. Recap away...


Cobra Commander 83.81 The Wanstaches 83.53
We should really just let Robby's Facebook posts speak for themselves:

- Robby Friedman needs AP, MINN defense and Greg Jennings to produce tonight, and big-time. Yesterday at 8:47pm

- Robby Friedman didn't expect to win this week, but was hoping it would have at least been close. This stinks. Yesterday at 9:56pm

- Robby Friedman is about to drop his third round pick if he doesn't get some yards on this drive. Yesterday at 11:04pm

- Robby Friedman says it's 11:15 pm, I am toast for tomorrow, and it is crunch time. I need something, and I need it now! Yesterday at 11:16pm

- Robby Friedman this sucks! Yesterday at 11:44pm

- Robby Friedman I am going to lose because of a meaningless TD. Here we go again. Yesterday at 11:37pm

- Robby Friedman hates FF. Yesterday at 11:50pm

In what's destined to go down as the closest, most gut-wrenching game all season, Robby loses by a 0.28 pubic hair of a margin. His managerial prowess fails him once again, as he leaves about a bajillion RB points on the bench. Best total points in the league and he has the same 2-2 record as the rest of us yahoos. Here's some motivation from your idol that might help calm the open wounds of last night's defeat:

Hump or Death 73.14 The Expendables 48.09
Another craptastic win for BrotherCole, who is undertaking the least exciting double title defense since the '08 Gators basketball team. But a win is a win, and he's at 2-2 with the rest of us yahoos. That's more than we can say for Maine, who is taking irrelevance to a whole new level. (Also, he would have been better off starting a hooker with a Dirty Sanchez than Mark Sanchez on Sunday.) Is it extended jet-lag? Is it being surrounded by too much estrogen in the house for too long? Or is it just general lack of knowledge about sports? Either way, Maine is indeed proving himself to be completely and utterly expendable.


Kwan of the Thong 88.68 OopsIWittenMyPants 66.21
Thong-tha-thong-thong-thong! A big win for the Thong-man over his frenemy Falafel. He gets a huge game from Antonio Gates (of Falafel's hometown of San Diego) to cruise to a 22 point win. He is 2-2 with the rest of us yahoos, and has taken his rightful place at #5 in the league. Meanwhile, Falafel's luck turned for the worse over the weekend with losses from his Chargers and Lions, as well as getting reminded how mediocre his team is.


Creeping Death 108.79 The Dane 80.40
Bradley F Malemezian! Mazzle puts up a huge score and reminds everyone that he is undefeated and in first place for a reason, dammit! He is already well on his way to his birthright of losing in the playoffs. On the crap side of the coin, MFrank is betrayed by his Kicker, Defense, Braylon "0 points, get into a fight that night" Edwards, and Big Fat LenDale White. Other than that, things went fine. And other than that one little incident, Mrs. Lincoln enjoyed the play.


Dead Kennedys 89.77 Kosher Sausage King 69.75
Stevie wins big and sets up a #1 vs #2 showdown with Bradley this coming weekend. (And yes, Steve is a big #2 in the league right now. A HUGE #2, in fact.) Meanwhile, The Sausage King of San Francisco slips to 2-2 with the rest of us yahoos. He got zippy from his highly touted Tennesee Defense, which was surprising considering Albert Haynesworth is anchoring that line. How could they be worse, given that he's still on the team? Go figure....


Enjoy your weeks and gear up for this coming Separation Sunday! (And I don't just mean Ann Harrup's legs!)

Cheers bitches,
- The Commish

Week 3 Recap

Well, it ain't rock bottom anymore (hello down there Maine), but it feels pretty damn close when Falafel is calling your office phone 17 times in a vain attempt to reach you primarily for taunting purposes. Not a banner weekend for most people in the league actually. Like week 1, everyone but no-life computer game geek Falafel has something to bitch about. Let's grouse.... (I am busy, tired,grumpy, and dealing with my annual Mongolian Death cough, so this week's recap will be short and barely coherent.)

I Falafeled In My Pants 100.78 Cobra Commander 78.47
My Bitch #1: Injuries for your faithful commish so far: Anthony Gonzalez, Brian Urlacher, Knowshon Moreno, Laurent Robinson, Mike Bell, Marion Barber, Dominik Hixon, Matt Forte's mojo.
My Bitch #2: That I have to resort to Bitch #1.

Kwan of the Thong 101.48 The Expendables 47.71
Thong begins his slow climb into the consolation bracket, while consoling himself about the Redskins' futility. Maine is the 2nd team (after Thong) to be declared DOA for the season.

Creeping Death 63.38 Hump or Death 54.03
This deadly matchup couldn't have been lamer. Brother Cole's fantasy team couldn't be worse, and his Tar Hears football team couldn't be more over-hyped going into their weekend smackdown at the hands of the Rambling Wreck of Bradley Tech. Meanwhile, Mazzle is 3-0, undefeated, and well aware that his team not-so-secretly sucks, with the 2nd worst total points in the league. Also his boyfriend was severly concussed on Saturday.

Kosher Sausage King 92.27 The Dane 63.36
Even "nice guy" Sean had reason to bitch. While he was busy starving his hair off, his Steelers were busy blowing a big lead to Cinci. But at least he beat Mike Frank and stuff. Watching Drew Brees throw up a little 1.97, MFrank threw up a little in his mouth.

The Wanstaches 106.70 Dead Kennedys 73.39
The game of the week was Strobby Bowl VII. Steve made his usual bonehead moves and got his ass kicked, while watching his boy-toy get concussed the day before. Meanwhile, Robby solidified his hold on the title of Regular Season Best Team, with another dominant showing over a hundred points. However, he had to endure the early end of his beloved Dolphins season and watch his beloved Chad #1 go down hard.

Scary Side Note - Is Robby's team so good it's Robby proof? Case in point: A good manager would have noted that Brian Westbrook was inactive on Sunday and made the no-brainer call of plugging in LeSean McCoy instead of a very gimpy Caddy Williams. Needless to say, Robby didn't do this. He left 12 points on the table and still put up 106. Scary. Even he might not be able to screw this one up? Nahhh....

Cough,
- The Commish

Week 2 Recap

Hey kids,

If you're like me - and who wouldn't want to be like me? - you're feeling pretty hungover this morning for reasons too painful to mention. So let's not mention them. Moving on...

Before the draft, I told anyone that would listen that things felt different this year. With the exception of Purple Hey-Zeus, every player out there had risks and question marks. There was just no telling what to expect with anyone this season. And after 2 weeks of league play, that new reality has borne out with (choking on my water as I type this)... gasp...Strobby leading everyone in total points. With Mike F Frank at #3. What in the name of Gary Shandling is going on here? Read the recap to find out...

Cobra Commander 97.85 The Expendables 89.47
Well, that's more like it. Beginning the steep climb up from rock bottom, my team hurt a couple body parts, but ultimately came out victorious with a big game from Tiki's sister Marion on Sunday Night Football (aside: Chris Collinsworth looks like a cross between Lurch and a weasel, but damned if he isn't a great color guy and a step up over the very-Madden-like John Madden). So your faithful Commish improves to 1-1, while Maine drops to 0-2 despite not actually sucking too badly so far. But he has Mark Sanchez and Chansi Stuckey on his bench, so help is on the way (in the form of two guys who sound like the male and female leads in a Skinemax movie).
***Fact #1: The two 1st round draft picks (Forte and Moss) in this matchup combined to score 5.73 points.
***Fact #2: Maine shockingly cut Greg Camarillo immediately this season, if not sooner.

The Wanstaches 92.65 Falafel TBD 76.42
Robby can't be feeling good this morning either, but he can console himself with another victory, this time over the increasingly irrelevant Falafel. He had 6 guys in double digits and won handily, despite getting zippy from his good friend Greg Jennings (who - true story- he only drafted because he heard him interviewed on Boca sports-talk-radio and "he seemed like a really great guy!"). Meanwhile, Falafel bears the bad karma of not having "Falafel" in his team name.
***Fact #1: Santana, Santonio, and the aforementioned Greg combined to score 5.86 points.
***Fact #2: Robby leads the league in total points (201.26) and Elementary school restraining orders.


Creeping Death 68.34 Thong RIP 59.06
This is early to be declared out of the playoff hunt, even for Thong. But facts is facts. He is done, finished, kaput. Expect for him to crawl out of last place somehow into the consolation bracket - to ultimately claim the jean shorts - but no more than that. Meanwhile, it must be Brad's birthday today to be winning with such a middling team. He defeats Thong in the low scoring Battle of Atlanta and moves to 2-0 on the season. Happy Birfday Bradley!
***Fact #1: Thong had about a billion points on his bench this week. 85.32 optimal points. He so could have won. But...
***Fact #2: Bill Belichick screwed Thong over this week harder than that tranny in college. Wes Welker may play every game the rest of the way and score a million points, or never play again in the NFL. There's really just no telling.

Hump or Death 108.26 Kosher Sausage King 80.11
If you're, again, like me, you hate the new stat tracker this year. It is terrible!!! You can't see all the games at once and it takes away everything that was user friendly about the old one and fucked with it to make it suckier. You can't even see all the stats without going to the whole box score. It's horrible. I've already written my congressperson, and I urge you to do the same. Oh, and the Champ beat the new guy. Whoop-dee-doo.
***Fact #1: Tom Brady had a grand total of 2.45 fantasy points this week.
***Fact #2: Sean would have been better starting his bald spot at defense this week. His hair has better coverage than the Titans.


Dead Kennedys 100.27 The Dane 68.01 I'm calling it now. If Steve wins this league, I'll shit a gopher. That's right. I will swallow a gopher whole and then shit it the hell out if Steve wins. But I digress. Stevie gets another big win over the suddenly inept Mike Franks, thanks to his Cardinal connection and once-again, Frank F. Gore.
***Fact #1: Gore leads all RBs in fantasy points so far.
***Fact #2: Steve leads all owners in jackassery so far.


That's all folks. Better luck next week.

- The Commish

Week 1 Recap

Howdy folks. Well, I'm spent. That was a lot of shit that just went down - between injuries, comebacks, near upsets, and total-bed crapping, pretty much everyone has something to complain about from the weekend or be worried about going forward. Reality can be a bitch sometimes.

And after only one week in the books, it's already hard to get motivated to write this damn recap. So here are some motivational posters that might help...


Cobra Commander 50.70 Creeping Death 86.19 At least I've hit Rock Bottom early. Pretty much can only get better from here. Mazzle gets a strong performance from McNabb (before the ribwich injury) and good production from his stable of RBs to easily defeat my ass. I haven't beaten Bradley in the regular season since Week 6 of the 2007 regular season. Did I mention he dominates me in the regular season? Just wanted to give him those very specific props.


The Expendables 68.35 OopsIWittenMyPants 91.54 OopsIWittenMyPants (who needs to change his team name back to something with Falafel in it immediately) did the brave thing on draft day and chose Brian Westbrook when everyone else was scared to and was the only one brave enough not to draft a TE. And for at least one week it payed off big time. He wipes the floor with Mainerd and begins his comeback season in style. Meanwhile Maine is still jet-lagged.


Kwan of the Thong 68.94 Kosher Sausage King 74.35 In order to win in this league, you have to choose wisely. And Mr. S King (no relation to the horror writer) made a wise choice in sitting Larry Johnson against the Ravens defense, while Mr. Thongstein chose poorly when he decided to play fantasy football again. Congrats to Sean on surviving his first draft weekend, unconvincingly winning his first matchup, and managing to hang onto the little hair he has left in the process. (First bald joke of the year...ca-ching!)


Hump or Death 71.12 Dead Kennedys 90.02 Steve loses and he's angry, he wins and he's angry. Guess there's just no pleasing some guys (short of auto-erotic asphyxiation, and this ain't that kind of league. (though I seriously doubt that a fantasy football league/auto-erotic asphyxiation exists anywhere STEVE!)) Anyhow, Steve wins one out of his designated 4 games early this year, riding a big performance from Frank Gore (just like the old days back in Miami). On the flip side, your defending champ plans to start his title defense any minute now.


The Dane 115.09 The Wanstaches 108.61 This one was a bad luck heartbreaker for the Wanstaches, who put up the 2nd highest total of the week and still lost, thanks to the stylings of Drew Brees and the Breezetones. Not to mention the redonkulous Philly Defense. MFrank has 4 players score less that 2 points and he still puts up a sick total. I predict a Serena-like tantrum from Robby and a draft sheet stuffed down MFrank's [expletive deleted] throat.


One last piece of wisdom... Good luck to all next week. And when setting your lineup, have some fun and don't be afraid to take some chances.
- The Commish