Hello der.
Time is of the essence, so let us jump in,
No time to dawdle, no time to sin.
Let's recap this bitch old school, one-matchup-by-one,
I'll even throw in some links just for fun.
Sergeant Shaft 97 Florida Taco Del Mar 91
I was due. D-O, due. (Though can't believe another one of you suckers put up 90+ on me.) For those not paying attention, Chris Johnson scored on a 35 yd TD with 1:40 to go in the game, 4th and 5, with his team up 20 points. It doesn't get any more garbage-y than that folks. About time that karma stopped rewarding Steve instead of me. ... To sum up, this result has restored Sanity to the league, while Steve has kept Fear alive. Time to march on Washington.
MFrank 96 Mazzle Tazzle 91
This result makes me uneasy. And a little queasy. How is Mike Frank scoring 96 points? And how is he 4-2? And how did he manage to pick up Ryan Torain when he's supposed to be the one not paying much attention around here? Are his kids finally old enough where he has time to waste on this crap? Is he now a force to be reckoned with? Will there be a Michael Frank uprising? Stay tuned...
Avatard 60 Lemon Party 59
Now we come to the junior varsity section of the recap. Just pathetic. How is this guy 5-1? And while we're at it, how is Thong 3-3? These two should be fighting it out for the toilet bowl or jean shorts or sequined jacket, not playoff position.
Sausage King 108 Falafel 93
If I wasn't getting the same treatment and he wasn't a total jackass, I'd probably feel bad for Travis, who deserves better than the standing's basement. But you all should show him some love. He's the only one getting raped harder than me in the Points Against column. .... Meanwhile, the Sausage King of Chicago may secretly have the 2nd best team in the league. .. Other Sausage King news - this weekend he's heading to South Florida to watch his beloved Steelers lose to the Dolphins. And more news - not only is Robby his date to the game, but they're also playing each other next week. So someone is going to be talking some serious shit at Sun Life stadium come Sunday. That is all.
Bacon Ass Ho 93 Foo Stache 66
This was the Smoke and Mirrors Bowl. Robby was doing it with them up until now, and Maine was doing it with them this week. .. Speaking of doing it with smoke and mirrors, how cool would that be? I want a fog machine for Hanukkah! Other stuff too...
Peace out,
- The Commish
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Week 5 Recap: "Mainely Drivel"
(by Maine)
Good morning. I've requested to write up this week's recap for Jason for a few reasons.
1.) Almost like an alcoholic, I need to take ownership of my failures as a fantasy football player. Sure, I could read The Commish's take on my woeful team management strategy every week, but if I never stand up in front of the room and say things like, "My name is Jermaine, and not only did I enthusiastically draft Greg Camarillo last year, but I still have deep hope for the whole Ryan Mathews experience in 2010," how will I ever learn?
2.) Our team names are ridiculous - across the board - and I needed a proper venue to address it. We've gotten away with this low imagination crap for far too long. We trash talk each other for misspellings on the message board, but not for naming our teams like retards? It's on the list.
3.) I get to make tasteless comments about former Bengals receivers. Look for them a little bit later.
4.) If I take a little bit of time at work between meetings, corporate circle jerks and reading CNN.com to write this, I can somehow convince myself that, since I'm being paid, I'm a professional writer. Everybody has their aspirations. Mine is to be an underpaid staff scribe with a corner cubicle. Let me have this. Just let me have it.
5.) Almost every team in the league is bad, which you'd think was mathematically impossible, but nope. And bad teams make for easy recaps. If we were all full of hope, I'd have to say things like, "Man, these are going to be riveting playoffs if these teams face each other." But since we're mostly horrible, it's all softballs.
6.) The message board has a character limit. I don't do well with character limits. If you've ever received an email from me, you've had to wipe the sweat off your computer after it loaded. If I tried to do this on the message board, I'd have been kicked out somewhere during point #4.
Anyway, enough appetizer. Let there be steak and shrimp.
Disposable Heroes vs. Sergeant Shaft
In general, things that are named after Metallica songs tend to be decent. "Ride the Lightning" is supposedly a great quest in World of Warcraft. "Enter Sandman" is my favorite gay porn movie. "Unforgiven" won several Academy Awards, and I'm sure that if they made the sequel, while people would be generally dissatisfied with Clint Eastwood's new short haircut, it'd at least get a few nominations. Disposable Heroes, however, are 2 - 3, with little hope for improvement. Maybe St. Anger would have been a better name, given the team's poor prospects for commercial and playoff success.
This weekend, however, he was better than Sergeant Shaft, which was named after my second favorite gay porn movie. Who would have thought that the team with next year's consensus first and second fantasy picks starting at RB, alongside the surprise RB of the year, Mr. Peyton Hillis, would be 1 - 4? He's got three #1 WR's and arguably the best TE of all time to round out the offense, so what's the issue here? Phil "Yes, In Fact, I Am A Cunt" Rivers threw for 431 yards and these guys still lose almost every week?
It's all about bad fantasy defense. Which is completely related to the super gay team name, Sergeant Shaft. Opposing teams see that name on the schedule and add a little pep to the step. Maybe next week, try something like Colonel Snatch or Admiral Tittyballs. Try to man it up a little in here - okay, Frenchie?
Despicable Falafel vs. The Foo Man Jew
Sometimes, things come down to the simple answers. If Arrested Development is such a funny show, then why didn't anyone watch it? Because it was too hard and TV is supposed to be easy. Taa daa. If Christine O'Donnell is in her 40's and doesn't believe in premarital sex or masturbation, how has she not exploded by now? Because she has premarital sex and masturbates. Taa daa.
And if Travis' team is made up of a lot of great players, why is he 1 - 4? Because he's trying to win at football with a bunch of dudes named Felix, Maurice, Lee and Dallas. If you were playing pickup football with some guys you met in the park, how many rounds would you get through before you drafted the first Maurice? If you found out a guy named Felix wanted to fight you at 3:00, wouldn't you show up at 2:45, chomping at the bit to kick his ass in front of his friends? (Naming the team after a Middle Eastern Steve Carell movie wasn't exactly helping either, but let's stay on topic.) All this team needs to do is trade for Pierre Garcon and his roster could sound like the entire cast of "Sergeant Shaft Strikes Back."
Meanwhile, Robbie and his sweet mustache of duditude are sitting at 4 - 1 with a roster than has exactly zero first round draft picks on it. This roster is so rag tag, I keep expecting Gene Hackman to put on a fedora and coach it. Is he going to pick up Sinbad and Scott Bakula off waivers this week? Can you use a horse as your place kicker? Is that in the rule book? How is he winning?
This week, he won partially because Shaggy showed up with a bag full of Scobee Snacks and got Josh to kick the air out of the ball to the tune of 22 points. I applaud the resourcefulness. Get Robbie a Harley and a cigar because that brand of bullshit mojo is going to take him to the finish line. I can't compete with a guy who gets 22 points out of a kicker.
Deez Bacon Balls vs. Florida Taco Del Mar
You might as well not even be reading this section. Welcome to the cold, sterile middle of the pack where nobody gives a fuck about anything. We're looking at two teams that have ceilings, and those ceilings are nowhere near the roof. There's a party in the attic that we're not invited to, and, at that party, topless women that we'll never meet are serving victory champagne that we'll never taste. That said, we still faced each other this week, so I have to acknowledge it in the recapitulation.
Florida Taco Del Mar is an average fantasy team, named after an okay state and shitty-to-average restaurant. If this team was named Arkansas Jack in the Box, it would be winless. Call it California White Castle and they're undefeated. Call it Arizona Taco Bell, and they wouldn't be allowed to pick up Anthony Gonzalez from waivers. As it stands, they're 3 - 2 and will be as successful as Aaron Rodgers allows them to be. God knows Dwayne Bowe ain't winning shit for them.
They were good enough to win this week partially because Malcolm Floyd accidentally got dressed in Vincent Jackson's locker and, for a few hours, forgot he's only supposed to be a slightly more alive version of Chris Henry.
Meanwhile, Deez Bacon Balls sounds like a team name you'd come up with if you said, "Oh, hey - there's the link for the fantasy league. I'll go ahead and sign up.... Hmm... team name? I've got to name this thing right now? Urgh... I can't think of anything. Maybe I'll mentally regress to the 14 year old version of myself and pick the only name I can think of in 10 seconds that doesn't involve Salma Hayeks's breasts. Hi. I'm Jermaine."
And the roster? It's pretty kick ass for a PPR league. Oh... wait... this isn't a PPR league? And Jamaal Charles apparently got caught sleeping with his offensive coordinator's wife before the number of carries he'd get was decided on? And TJ Houshmandzadeh couldn't catch a disease from a hooker on Chad Ochocinco's VH1 reality show? I'm just gonna start scouting for next year. This was fun.
Stabbed in the Hand vs. Avathong
This is as good a place as any to discuss the rest of the middle of the pack. Neither one of these teams is invited to the aforementioned attic titty party. They're in the living room playing a fun game of fully-dressed Jenga with the rest of us. Anybody else want an egg cream? Yay.
Stabbed in the Hand is the exception to the bad team name rule. I really enjoy this one. Not only does it explain why Kevin Walter played so horribly this week, but it also explains all of Drew Brees' screwups against the Cardinals. Fortunately, Mario Manningham's donut was superceded by Chicago's defense, which gave him the win versus Avathong.
I enjoy Rich Spady as a person. The team name, Avathong, couldn't bother me more. Mainly because my daughter's name is Ava and Rich's liberal commentary on her underwear, frankly, makes me want to stab him in the hand. You're crossing the line, man. Not cool. She's five.
Meanwhile, you may have heard the expression, "Matt Schaub took a dump on the field today?" Well, this weekend, Matt Schaub honestly and truly took a healthy, steaming, corn-filled dump on the field. (Arian Foster must have slipped on it, which explained his shitty day.) In fact, if UVA Mattie had stayed in the locker room and spent the game taking a dump on the toilet instead, Rich's score would have actually been higher. I award you negative 0.15 points and may god have mercy on your soul.
Lemon Curry vs. Ryan Grant's Ankle
I'll start by saying screw these pricks for making me have to watch the shitty Monday night game to see who won. Watching two renegade QBs in sloppy weather to see which one would stop screwing up first? Yeah, sign me up.
The only highlight of that game was seeing a closeup of Brad Childress' face while the ESPN crawl talked about Brett Favre's penis. If for only a moment, I got to play a game called, "What's The Creepiest Thing On TV Right Now?" and the final score was a tie.
(Side question: If you got an email from Brad Childress with no subject and an attachment, and an email from a friend with the subject line "hey, check out Favre's cock," which one would you open last? Think about that for an hour.)
Anyway, Ryan Grant's Ankle, much like a drunk co-ed, has spent entirely too long waiting for Ben Roethlisberger to come. And much like the same co-ed, they probably won't be happy with themselves after he does. Middle of the pack, Sean. And it's your turn to pull a Jenga block.
Meanwhile, Lemon Curry is undefeated, if you don't consider the game of life in the standings. In that case, he'd be 5 - 12. But he's ridden the hot combo of Vick and Jahvid to consistent victory, and, this week, even got a boost from a kicker. Can't argue with that kind of success.
Anyway, good luck to everyone except Robbie, who I play next week.
Good morning. I've requested to write up this week's recap for Jason for a few reasons.
1.) Almost like an alcoholic, I need to take ownership of my failures as a fantasy football player. Sure, I could read The Commish's take on my woeful team management strategy every week, but if I never stand up in front of the room and say things like, "My name is Jermaine, and not only did I enthusiastically draft Greg Camarillo last year, but I still have deep hope for the whole Ryan Mathews experience in 2010," how will I ever learn?
2.) Our team names are ridiculous - across the board - and I needed a proper venue to address it. We've gotten away with this low imagination crap for far too long. We trash talk each other for misspellings on the message board, but not for naming our teams like retards? It's on the list.
3.) I get to make tasteless comments about former Bengals receivers. Look for them a little bit later.
4.) If I take a little bit of time at work between meetings, corporate circle jerks and reading CNN.com to write this, I can somehow convince myself that, since I'm being paid, I'm a professional writer. Everybody has their aspirations. Mine is to be an underpaid staff scribe with a corner cubicle. Let me have this. Just let me have it.
5.) Almost every team in the league is bad, which you'd think was mathematically impossible, but nope. And bad teams make for easy recaps. If we were all full of hope, I'd have to say things like, "Man, these are going to be riveting playoffs if these teams face each other." But since we're mostly horrible, it's all softballs.
6.) The message board has a character limit. I don't do well with character limits. If you've ever received an email from me, you've had to wipe the sweat off your computer after it loaded. If I tried to do this on the message board, I'd have been kicked out somewhere during point #4.
Anyway, enough appetizer. Let there be steak and shrimp.
Disposable Heroes vs. Sergeant Shaft
In general, things that are named after Metallica songs tend to be decent. "Ride the Lightning" is supposedly a great quest in World of Warcraft. "Enter Sandman" is my favorite gay porn movie. "Unforgiven" won several Academy Awards, and I'm sure that if they made the sequel, while people would be generally dissatisfied with Clint Eastwood's new short haircut, it'd at least get a few nominations. Disposable Heroes, however, are 2 - 3, with little hope for improvement. Maybe St. Anger would have been a better name, given the team's poor prospects for commercial and playoff success.
This weekend, however, he was better than Sergeant Shaft, which was named after my second favorite gay porn movie. Who would have thought that the team with next year's consensus first and second fantasy picks starting at RB, alongside the surprise RB of the year, Mr. Peyton Hillis, would be 1 - 4? He's got three #1 WR's and arguably the best TE of all time to round out the offense, so what's the issue here? Phil "Yes, In Fact, I Am A Cunt" Rivers threw for 431 yards and these guys still lose almost every week?
It's all about bad fantasy defense. Which is completely related to the super gay team name, Sergeant Shaft. Opposing teams see that name on the schedule and add a little pep to the step. Maybe next week, try something like Colonel Snatch or Admiral Tittyballs. Try to man it up a little in here - okay, Frenchie?
Despicable Falafel vs. The Foo Man Jew
Sometimes, things come down to the simple answers. If Arrested Development is such a funny show, then why didn't anyone watch it? Because it was too hard and TV is supposed to be easy. Taa daa. If Christine O'Donnell is in her 40's and doesn't believe in premarital sex or masturbation, how has she not exploded by now? Because she has premarital sex and masturbates. Taa daa.
And if Travis' team is made up of a lot of great players, why is he 1 - 4? Because he's trying to win at football with a bunch of dudes named Felix, Maurice, Lee and Dallas. If you were playing pickup football with some guys you met in the park, how many rounds would you get through before you drafted the first Maurice? If you found out a guy named Felix wanted to fight you at 3:00, wouldn't you show up at 2:45, chomping at the bit to kick his ass in front of his friends? (Naming the team after a Middle Eastern Steve Carell movie wasn't exactly helping either, but let's stay on topic.) All this team needs to do is trade for Pierre Garcon and his roster could sound like the entire cast of "Sergeant Shaft Strikes Back."
Meanwhile, Robbie and his sweet mustache of duditude are sitting at 4 - 1 with a roster than has exactly zero first round draft picks on it. This roster is so rag tag, I keep expecting Gene Hackman to put on a fedora and coach it. Is he going to pick up Sinbad and Scott Bakula off waivers this week? Can you use a horse as your place kicker? Is that in the rule book? How is he winning?
This week, he won partially because Shaggy showed up with a bag full of Scobee Snacks and got Josh to kick the air out of the ball to the tune of 22 points. I applaud the resourcefulness. Get Robbie a Harley and a cigar because that brand of bullshit mojo is going to take him to the finish line. I can't compete with a guy who gets 22 points out of a kicker.
Deez Bacon Balls vs. Florida Taco Del Mar
You might as well not even be reading this section. Welcome to the cold, sterile middle of the pack where nobody gives a fuck about anything. We're looking at two teams that have ceilings, and those ceilings are nowhere near the roof. There's a party in the attic that we're not invited to, and, at that party, topless women that we'll never meet are serving victory champagne that we'll never taste. That said, we still faced each other this week, so I have to acknowledge it in the recapitulation.
Florida Taco Del Mar is an average fantasy team, named after an okay state and shitty-to-average restaurant. If this team was named Arkansas Jack in the Box, it would be winless. Call it California White Castle and they're undefeated. Call it Arizona Taco Bell, and they wouldn't be allowed to pick up Anthony Gonzalez from waivers. As it stands, they're 3 - 2 and will be as successful as Aaron Rodgers allows them to be. God knows Dwayne Bowe ain't winning shit for them.
They were good enough to win this week partially because Malcolm Floyd accidentally got dressed in Vincent Jackson's locker and, for a few hours, forgot he's only supposed to be a slightly more alive version of Chris Henry.
Meanwhile, Deez Bacon Balls sounds like a team name you'd come up with if you said, "Oh, hey - there's the link for the fantasy league. I'll go ahead and sign up.... Hmm... team name? I've got to name this thing right now? Urgh... I can't think of anything. Maybe I'll mentally regress to the 14 year old version of myself and pick the only name I can think of in 10 seconds that doesn't involve Salma Hayeks's breasts. Hi. I'm Jermaine."
And the roster? It's pretty kick ass for a PPR league. Oh... wait... this isn't a PPR league? And Jamaal Charles apparently got caught sleeping with his offensive coordinator's wife before the number of carries he'd get was decided on? And TJ Houshmandzadeh couldn't catch a disease from a hooker on Chad Ochocinco's VH1 reality show? I'm just gonna start scouting for next year. This was fun.
Stabbed in the Hand vs. Avathong
This is as good a place as any to discuss the rest of the middle of the pack. Neither one of these teams is invited to the aforementioned attic titty party. They're in the living room playing a fun game of fully-dressed Jenga with the rest of us. Anybody else want an egg cream? Yay.
Stabbed in the Hand is the exception to the bad team name rule. I really enjoy this one. Not only does it explain why Kevin Walter played so horribly this week, but it also explains all of Drew Brees' screwups against the Cardinals. Fortunately, Mario Manningham's donut was superceded by Chicago's defense, which gave him the win versus Avathong.
I enjoy Rich Spady as a person. The team name, Avathong, couldn't bother me more. Mainly because my daughter's name is Ava and Rich's liberal commentary on her underwear, frankly, makes me want to stab him in the hand. You're crossing the line, man. Not cool. She's five.
Meanwhile, you may have heard the expression, "Matt Schaub took a dump on the field today?" Well, this weekend, Matt Schaub honestly and truly took a healthy, steaming, corn-filled dump on the field. (Arian Foster must have slipped on it, which explained his shitty day.) In fact, if UVA Mattie had stayed in the locker room and spent the game taking a dump on the toilet instead, Rich's score would have actually been higher. I award you negative 0.15 points and may god have mercy on your soul.
Lemon Curry vs. Ryan Grant's Ankle
I'll start by saying screw these pricks for making me have to watch the shitty Monday night game to see who won. Watching two renegade QBs in sloppy weather to see which one would stop screwing up first? Yeah, sign me up.
The only highlight of that game was seeing a closeup of Brad Childress' face while the ESPN crawl talked about Brett Favre's penis. If for only a moment, I got to play a game called, "What's The Creepiest Thing On TV Right Now?" and the final score was a tie.
(Side question: If you got an email from Brad Childress with no subject and an attachment, and an email from a friend with the subject line "hey, check out Favre's cock," which one would you open last? Think about that for an hour.)
Anyway, Ryan Grant's Ankle, much like a drunk co-ed, has spent entirely too long waiting for Ben Roethlisberger to come. And much like the same co-ed, they probably won't be happy with themselves after he does. Middle of the pack, Sean. And it's your turn to pull a Jenga block.
Meanwhile, Lemon Curry is undefeated, if you don't consider the game of life in the standings. In that case, he'd be 5 - 12. But he's ridden the hot combo of Vick and Jahvid to consistent victory, and, this week, even got a boost from a kicker. Can't argue with that kind of success.
Anyway, good luck to everyone except Robbie, who I play next week.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Week 3-4 Recap: "The Fantasy Gods Must Be Crazy"
Howdy folks. Like Chris Johnson, I'm apparently only showing up every other week. Which is more than could be said for the Dolphins "special" teams, who are special like Corky from Life Goes On was special. But aside from Monday Night Debacles, what the hell else has been going on?
From First to Wurst: Bradley Malemeziamiaizuzzleian
A demoralizing 35 point week by Bradley's squad puts him in last place. His team name of "Disposable Heroes" is apt, as his players are all garbage. All of his guys might as well go fishing with Rick Sanchez and John Bonamego.
Game of the Year of Week 3: The Foo Man Jew 87.43 Stabbed In The Hand 85.59
Not the closest game of the season, but definitely the most gut-wrenching. Robby continues his good work of late, but it's at the expense of his beloved Dolphins. At least they were beloved last week. This week, not so much. .. In other news, Mike Frank should really have that hand looked at by a professional. (And I don't mean Rich's mom.)
Week 4: Sergeant Shaft Gets the...er... bad end of the deal
I could take losing by .15. I could take losing to Thong. I could take Chris Johnson being my lowest scoring player. I could even take having the highest number of points in the league, the most scored against me, and slip to 1-3 on the season. But what I can't take is...hmm...I forgot what I was saying, as I'm readying this gun to blow my frickin brains out. .. The damn shame of it is I really LIKE my team. It's really good dammit! Sheesh, I dunno...
Lemon Curry Anyone?
BrotherCole spent much of the past few weeks helping the homeless, tutoring underprivileged children, and picking up trash in his neighborhood. Wait, I'm thinking of someone else. BrotherCole spent much of the past few weeks doing Fantasy Football research. My bad. Sorry for the mistake.
This Week In Bald
Maine and Sean are both 2-2 and would make the playoffs if they start today. They are excited about this. They are also very excited about Tom Brady's new haircut that makes him look like a gay homosexual, thus taking attention away from their chrome domes. .. Also of note, neither of their teams are actually any good.
Luck of the Falafel
It's been almost as bad as mine. Look for him to make a run.
Steve, Actually
Tied with the Commish for the transaction lead, Steve needs to step up his game. There are still some third string running backs he hasn't picked up for 5 minutes before thinking better of it and picking up a 4th string wide receiver. Be better dude!!!
In closing, the lesson to take away from the past two weeks is the same one as always - the football gods can be cruel sometimes. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them all, and then you have...a shit sandwich.
- The Commish
PS. The Hoos and Gators sucked too, in case you didn't notice.
From First to Wurst: Bradley MalemeziamiaizuzzleianA demoralizing 35 point week by Bradley's squad puts him in last place. His team name of "Disposable Heroes" is apt, as his players are all garbage. All of his guys might as well go fishing with Rick Sanchez and John Bonamego.
Game of the Year of Week 3: The Foo Man Jew 87.43 Stabbed In The Hand 85.59
Not the closest game of the season, but definitely the most gut-wrenching. Robby continues his good work of late, but it's at the expense of his beloved Dolphins. At least they were beloved last week. This week, not so much. .. In other news, Mike Frank should really have that hand looked at by a professional. (And I don't mean Rich's mom.)
Week 4: Sergeant Shaft Gets the...er... bad end of the deal
I could take losing by .15. I could take losing to Thong. I could take Chris Johnson being my lowest scoring player. I could even take having the highest number of points in the league, the most scored against me, and slip to 1-3 on the season. But what I can't take is...hmm...I forgot what I was saying, as I'm readying this gun to blow my frickin brains out. .. The damn shame of it is I really LIKE my team. It's really good dammit! Sheesh, I dunno...
Lemon Curry Anyone?
BrotherCole spent much of the past few weeks helping the homeless, tutoring underprivileged children, and picking up trash in his neighborhood. Wait, I'm thinking of someone else. BrotherCole spent much of the past few weeks doing Fantasy Football research. My bad. Sorry for the mistake.
This Week In Bald
Maine and Sean are both 2-2 and would make the playoffs if they start today. They are excited about this. They are also very excited about Tom Brady's new haircut that makes him look like a gay homosexual, thus taking attention away from their chrome domes. .. Also of note, neither of their teams are actually any good.
Luck of the Falafel
It's been almost as bad as mine. Look for him to make a run.
Steve, Actually
Tied with the Commish for the transaction lead, Steve needs to step up his game. There are still some third string running backs he hasn't picked up for 5 minutes before thinking better of it and picking up a 4th string wide receiver. Be better dude!!!
In closing, the lesson to take away from the past two weeks is the same one as always - the football gods can be cruel sometimes. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them all, and then you have...a shit sandwich.
- The Commish
PS. The Hoos and Gators sucked too, in case you didn't notice.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Week 1-2 Recap: "Forget Phoenix"
Howdy folks.
I'm finally back to bidness around here and doing some good ol fashioned recapping. So what the hell has been going on around here since Phoenix? Let's take a stroll through some headlines:
Week 1 Game of the Year: Mazzle 88.99 Sausage King 89.77
One week in, and we already had a matchup decided by less than a point. Bradley carried over his playoff magic from last year and willed Ryan Gran's ankle to buckle like a midget Thai hooker. His team looks poised to go 8-6. .. Meanwhile, the only "Brandon Jackson" Sean was able to pick up was a big dude wearing fishnets in Southwest DC. Still, his team bounced back in week 2, and looks suspiciously like an 8-6 squad.
Not a Single Season Fluke?
If you're like me, you're thinking to yourself - "Wow, I'm pretty frickin awesome." But another thing you might be thinking is, "Hmmm...is there a chance that Robby's dominant season last year wasn't just a crazy fluke?" Apparently there might be! The esteemed Humberto Feldman Esquire is a robust 2-0 and sits a top the 4 (very Jewy!) league leaders. He's led by Peyton Manning and the Manning-ettes, with big contributions from Darren McFadden of all people. Despite all this, I think he's headed for trouble and a final record of 8-6. Don't go chasing waterfalls, Robby.
I'm hot/then I'm cold
144/65. Week 1/Week 2. Same exact players both weeks. This is why I love/hate fantasy football. And Katy Perry. .. I'm good though. 8-6 should be no problem for my team.
Thong and Frank: Jacksonville 1-1
In the new upcoming movie from Warner Brothers, Richard "Thong" Spady and Michael "Frank" Frank are mismatched, renegade, buddy cops let loose on the mean streets of Jacksonville, FL. They fight crime, have comic misadventures, bed ugly women, and are
utterly average at Fantasy Football. (They'll both still finish 8-6 though.)
Suckitude
Thy name is Steve (completely over-prepared for the draft) and Falafel (completely under-prepared for the draft). I still predict that they'll both come back from 0-2 to finish 8-6.
Lemon Fury
The once and former champ is 2-0 on the season, with a team that scares nobody. He'll finish the season 7-7.
Cheers betches,
- The Commish
P.S. A programming note - the recaps will be even less reliable than usual this year, with life and work generally kicking my ass on weekdays. But I shall do my best to keep the masses entertained somehow. Just remember - you get what you pay for.
I'm finally back to bidness around here and doing some good ol fashioned recapping. So what the hell has been going on around here since Phoenix? Let's take a stroll through some headlines:
Week 1 Game of the Year: Mazzle 88.99 Sausage King 89.77
One week in, and we already had a matchup decided by less than a point. Bradley carried over his playoff magic from last year and willed Ryan Gran's ankle to buckle like a midget Thai hooker. His team looks poised to go 8-6. .. Meanwhile, the only "Brandon Jackson" Sean was able to pick up was a big dude wearing fishnets in Southwest DC. Still, his team bounced back in week 2, and looks suspiciously like an 8-6 squad.
Not a Single Season Fluke?
If you're like me, you're thinking to yourself - "Wow, I'm pretty frickin awesome." But another thing you might be thinking is, "Hmmm...is there a chance that Robby's dominant season last year wasn't just a crazy fluke?" Apparently there might be! The esteemed Humberto Feldman Esquire is a robust 2-0 and sits a top the 4 (very Jewy!) league leaders. He's led by Peyton Manning and the Manning-ettes, with big contributions from Darren McFadden of all people. Despite all this, I think he's headed for trouble and a final record of 8-6. Don't go chasing waterfalls, Robby.
I'm hot/then I'm cold
144/65. Week 1/Week 2. Same exact players both weeks. This is why I love/hate fantasy football. And Katy Perry. .. I'm good though. 8-6 should be no problem for my team.
Thong and Frank: Jacksonville 1-1
In the new upcoming movie from Warner Brothers, Richard "Thong" Spady and Michael "Frank" Frank are mismatched, renegade, buddy cops let loose on the mean streets of Jacksonville, FL. They fight crime, have comic misadventures, bed ugly women, and are
utterly average at Fantasy Football. (They'll both still finish 8-6 though.)
Suckitude
Thy name is Steve (completely over-prepared for the draft) and Falafel (completely under-prepared for the draft). I still predict that they'll both come back from 0-2 to finish 8-6.
Lemon Fury
The once and former champ is 2-0 on the season, with a team that scares nobody. He'll finish the season 7-7.
Cheers betches,
- The Commish
P.S. A programming note - the recaps will be even less reliable than usual this year, with life and work generally kicking my ass on weekdays. But I shall do my best to keep the masses entertained somehow. Just remember - you get what you pay for.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Playoff Recap
Hot Damn! That was some action yesterday...
***The Indefatigable Wanstaches 100 Ex-Champ 50
In the undercard, the BrotherHoles were finally vanquished after all this time. And it took a juggernaut to do it. (Though pretty much anyone could have beaten BroCole with that pathetic score he put up.) The Wanstaches are flying on all cylinders and cruise into the finals with an easy win. 2 big Robby questions remain for next week's final - 1) Will Peyton play and how much? and 2) With a team so deep, will Robby make the right lineup moves next week? And will it even matter? Stay tuned, as we haven't seen this kind of supposed dominance around here for a long time. Congrats to Robby for making it this far - who would-a-thunk it?
***Mazzle 78 MFrank 77
Holy Shitburgers!!! This one was nuts!!! In the craziest playoff game in league history, Bradley somehow edges the feisty Mike Frank by a single point. I mean, Brad did everything he could possibly do to lose in the playoffs, and he was on total life support heading into last night. Consider this - yesterday in the NFL, Jerome Harrison ran for 286 yards (3rd most in NFL history) and Big Ben threw for 502 yards (10 most in NFL history). And BOTH of them - and their 65 combined points - were on Brad's bench. Plus he started Michael "Gimp" Turner, who ran one time, then promptly left for good. This was classic Brad in the playoffs. He was done after the 4:00 games. ... But last night, Mike Frank saw DeAngelo Williams go down hurt in the 1st quarter and Sidney Rice fumble late. Then Steve Smith went Ape Shit for Brad, and the rest is history. It was a Christmas Miracle! Congrats to Mike Frank for making it this far and getting his competitive pretzels all nice and riled up for a change. And Congrats to Bradley for exorcising his Playoff Demons (at least for one week).
Good luck to Brad and Robby in the Final!!! (And start buttering up your wives now, as one of you will be putting the Chicken Bone Cup on your mantel for a year, and I can tell you from experience that they'll hate it and think it's ugly, but it won't matter because it's going up on display dammit, because you earned it!!!)
- The Commish
***The Indefatigable Wanstaches 100 Ex-Champ 50
In the undercard, the BrotherHoles were finally vanquished after all this time. And it took a juggernaut to do it. (Though pretty much anyone could have beaten BroCole with that pathetic score he put up.) The Wanstaches are flying on all cylinders and cruise into the finals with an easy win. 2 big Robby questions remain for next week's final - 1) Will Peyton play and how much? and 2) With a team so deep, will Robby make the right lineup moves next week? And will it even matter? Stay tuned, as we haven't seen this kind of supposed dominance around here for a long time. Congrats to Robby for making it this far - who would-a-thunk it?
***Mazzle 78 MFrank 77
Holy Shitburgers!!! This one was nuts!!! In the craziest playoff game in league history, Bradley somehow edges the feisty Mike Frank by a single point. I mean, Brad did everything he could possibly do to lose in the playoffs, and he was on total life support heading into last night. Consider this - yesterday in the NFL, Jerome Harrison ran for 286 yards (3rd most in NFL history) and Big Ben threw for 502 yards (10 most in NFL history). And BOTH of them - and their 65 combined points - were on Brad's bench. Plus he started Michael "Gimp" Turner, who ran one time, then promptly left for good. This was classic Brad in the playoffs. He was done after the 4:00 games. ... But last night, Mike Frank saw DeAngelo Williams go down hurt in the 1st quarter and Sidney Rice fumble late. Then Steve Smith went Ape Shit for Brad, and the rest is history. It was a Christmas Miracle! Congrats to Mike Frank for making it this far and getting his competitive pretzels all nice and riled up for a change. And Congrats to Bradley for exorcising his Playoff Demons (at least for one week).
Good luck to Brad and Robby in the Final!!! (And start buttering up your wives now, as one of you will be putting the Chicken Bone Cup on your mantel for a year, and I can tell you from experience that they'll hate it and think it's ugly, but it won't matter because it's going up on display dammit, because you earned it!!!)
- The Commish
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Week 13 Recap
(Thanks to BroCole for putting this together, as life is kicking my ass this week. And any mistakes are his, as no fact checking took place. Good luck to everyone still alive!)
As far as fantasy football goes, no one cares what happened last week. The only thing that matters is who's in the playoffs.
Here's your recap . . .
Dolphins keep hope alive for another week. Gators get their asses kicked. Texas gets lucky.
As far as fantasy football goes, no one cares what happened last week. The only thing that matters is who's in the playoffs.
Scenarios:
Brad is in. If he wins he will be the 1 seed. If he loses with a Robby/Mike win and a Robby/Mike loss then he will be the 2 seed. If he losses with both Robby and Mike winning then he will be the 3 seed.
Robby: Based on his high point total, he's in win or lose. He can be the 1, 2, or 3 seed with the 4th seed very unlikely. Regardless, Robby is in.
Mike: Again, based on his high point total, he's in win or lose. Like Robby, he can be anywhere from the 1 seed to the 4th seed.
Steve: Win and he's in. A Loss and he would need both Mike F and Travis to lose.
MikeF: A Win + a Steve loss + a Travis loss or a Travis win without Travis outscoring him by 35.32
Travis: A Win + a Steve loss + a MikeF loss or a MikeF win but outscoring him by 35.32
Everyone else is on the outside looking in.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Week 12 Recap
Howdy Folks - Welcome to the homestretch! Things are coming down to the wire around here (and that's not even including the very pregnant Mrs. Commish). The next two weeks will be key for everyone but the following people who are D-U-N done: Me; Maine; Baldy McMoustache; Bobby Bowden; Al Groh; The Entire Miami Dolphins Football Team; Turkeys. As for the contenders, let's recap...
Commish 88 Falafel 69
I almost listed Falafel among the D-U-N, after this lifeless performance. Even at 6-6 and 1 game back, he's hard to take seriously. He easily has the worst running backs in the league and he left his GM skills back in 2006. I really can't see a way he makes the playoffs, given the circumstances. ... Oh, and I realize I don't have a joke here. Travis's team will have to suffice.
Thong 99 Maine 75
Losing Matt Ryan about 5 seconds into the game certainly didn't help Maine, but then again, neither did anything else he did this year. So let's turn to the man in the golden Thong. Richard Spady is hanging around in his usual 5th place, trying to make the playoffs for the first time. He has an uphill battle the next 2 weeks, but stranger things have happened to him. Like that time in downtown Atlanta when he picked up that male hooker only to get him back to his place to disappointingly find out he was a chick.
Hump Or 98 Creeping 79
And Mazzle, despite the loss, becomes the first team to officially earn a playoff berth. Now he can start stressing about his week 15 lineup. Meanwhile, BrotherCole wins to virtually ensure that he'll get into the show. And I never thought I'd write the following sentence: Both of these guys will be jockeying to avoid playing Robby's team in the first round of the playoffs. And yes, it must be 2012, because the apocalypse is officially upon us.
Good Dane 85 Shaved Sausage 74
Glad things are back to normal around here. Mike Frank moves to an even 6-6, thanks to Drew Brees going ape shit yet again on Monday Night. In other non-related news, Tom Brady got exactly 0.87 points for Sean. So, Mike Frank is still hanging around the playoff race, but I don't think that a 7-7 record will be enough to get in. .. Meanwhile, now that Sean has shaved his Movember Moustache, I can go back to making fun of him for being bald.
Strobby 85 Strobby 67
Robby beats Sarah Palin handily this week in Strobby Bowl XXIX, winning his 4th in a row and solidifying his unofficial title of team to beat in the playoffs. He's just gotta hope that Colts don't decide to rest Peyton too soon. Meanwhile, Sarah has to hope she has enough left in the tank to hold onto that last playoff spot. She is hurting big time at RB, but will at least get Ced Benson back this week. Also, she heard from Brenda Warner that Kurt will be back playing this week too. And Big Ben will be back throwing to Hines Ward. So things are looking up for her.
Enjoy December folks! There's plenty of football left to be played!
- The Commish
Commish 88 Falafel 69
I almost listed Falafel among the D-U-N, after this lifeless performance. Even at 6-6 and 1 game back, he's hard to take seriously. He easily has the worst running backs in the league and he left his GM skills back in 2006. I really can't see a way he makes the playoffs, given the circumstances. ... Oh, and I realize I don't have a joke here. Travis's team will have to suffice.
Thong 99 Maine 75
Losing Matt Ryan about 5 seconds into the game certainly didn't help Maine, but then again, neither did anything else he did this year. So let's turn to the man in the golden Thong. Richard Spady is hanging around in his usual 5th place, trying to make the playoffs for the first time. He has an uphill battle the next 2 weeks, but stranger things have happened to him. Like that time in downtown Atlanta when he picked up that male hooker only to get him back to his place to disappointingly find out he was a chick.
Hump Or 98 Creeping 79
And Mazzle, despite the loss, becomes the first team to officially earn a playoff berth. Now he can start stressing about his week 15 lineup. Meanwhile, BrotherCole wins to virtually ensure that he'll get into the show. And I never thought I'd write the following sentence: Both of these guys will be jockeying to avoid playing Robby's team in the first round of the playoffs. And yes, it must be 2012, because the apocalypse is officially upon us.
Good Dane 85 Shaved Sausage 74
Glad things are back to normal around here. Mike Frank moves to an even 6-6, thanks to Drew Brees going ape shit yet again on Monday Night. In other non-related news, Tom Brady got exactly 0.87 points for Sean. So, Mike Frank is still hanging around the playoff race, but I don't think that a 7-7 record will be enough to get in. .. Meanwhile, now that Sean has shaved his Movember Moustache, I can go back to making fun of him for being bald.
Strobby 85 Strobby 67
Robby beats Sarah Palin handily this week in Strobby Bowl XXIX, winning his 4th in a row and solidifying his unofficial title of team to beat in the playoffs. He's just gotta hope that Colts don't decide to rest Peyton too soon. Meanwhile, Sarah has to hope she has enough left in the tank to hold onto that last playoff spot. She is hurting big time at RB, but will at least get Ced Benson back this week. Also, she heard from Brenda Warner that Kurt will be back playing this week too. And Big Ben will be back throwing to Hines Ward. So things are looking up for her.
Enjoy December folks! There's plenty of football left to be played!
- The Commish
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