Semi-Final Recap: "Semi-Hard"

So the nightmare scenario has come true - an all Cole final. But let's recap this thing for posterity sake.

Sergeant Shaft 92.26 Deez Bacon Balls 58.62
In the under-card, the Bacon Balls proved they was just happy to be here. Except for Jamaal Charles and eventually DeSean Jackson, nobody on their team really showed up to play. However, it was a successful, scrappy season for the Baconators, and they should be proud of all that they accomplished while ignoring their wife and daughters. ... On the flip-side, Team Shaft scored his usual about-90 points and coasted to an easy victory behind the arm of Phil Rivers, the legs of Chris Johnson, and the 22 giant balls of the San Diego Defense. The good Sergeant's team is primed and ready for the championship game.


Lemon Curry? 130.78 Fuck the Eagles 93.96
In a higher scoring affair than Paris Hilton's prom, the evil Brother Cole (why don't you just grow a goatee already?!) bested the surly Steven (who for some reason has something against Don Henley). I haven't checked with the Elias Sports Bureau yet, but I believe that this was our league's highest scoring playoff game ever. Steve has nothing to be ashamed of, with the exception of everything not fantasy football-related. 130 is a frickin monster score, and BrotherCole put it up thanks to Mike Vick, Vincent Jackson, and Sebastian Janikowski - three of the nicest people you'll ever meet. His team is surging at the right time, heading into Chicken Bone Bowl this weekend.


Nothing left now but the game....

- The Commish

Week 14 Recap: "Put up, or shut up"

Well, we're all set for the yahoo playoffs, with the usual Cole contingent, plus a couple of random yahoos. (To note: 9 out of the 10 teams - and a full 9 out of the 9 non-homosexual teams - ended up with final records between 6-8 and 8-6. That's parity, bitches.) But how did we end up here?....

Sergeant Shaft 90.79 Disposable Heroes 70.48
Everyone except Brad got his wish, and I won handily to capture the #2 seed. Putting up right around 90 points for the 3rd straight week, and 4th straight win, my team is surging heading into the playoffs. But will my indecisive management doom me in the playoffs? (like in my other league where Sunday morning I wisely dropped Shayne Graham and picked up Graham Gano?) ... On the other side of the two headed coin, Bradley's hopes of repeating as champ were dashed, as two losses in a row doomed him. Doooooooooooooomed him. His season fades to black....

Stabbed In The Hand 62.15 Avathong 85.21
No shorts for you!!!

Lemon Curry? 101.94 Ryan Grant's Ankle 73.22
Sean needed to score about 56 more points than he did to make the playoffs. But he didn't, so he didn't. His team seemed better than 6-8, but the standings don't lie. Maybe if he had Ryan Grant to start, things might have turned out differently. What ever happened to that guy anyhow? Hand injury, I think...

Despicable Falafel 96.31 The Foo Man Jew 120.77
Fitting that in the last week of the season, Falafel is still getting a bazillion points scored on him. I bet he'd be really pissed off if he was still alive right now. ... And don't get me started on Robby. With some more consistency, his team could've been a contender. But where is he? How can we find him? My guess - with the sketchy facial hair, he ended up on Megan's list.

Fighting Muschamps 74.20 Deez Bacon Balls 81.39
And this one ended up being a win-win for both "guys." Maine wins to get in the playoffs, and Steve loses to make the playoffs too and avoid the 1st Round Shaft. Everyone's happy! (At least for one week.)

Merry Playoffs/Festivus Everyone!!!
- The Commish

P.S. I'm working to cajole a playoff preview out of someone, so look for it in this space later this week.

Week 13 Recap: "Playoffs? PLAYOFFS?!?"

Kickoffs, handoffs, dropoffs,
leadoffs, liftoffs, blastoffs,
tradeoffs, selloffs, castoffs,
sendoffs, standoffs...playoffs.

OK, time to talk brass tax.... here are the playoff scenarios going into the last week of the regular season. (As always, the office of the commissioner makes no guarantees of the logic, math, or general accuracy of the following information. Also most of the office is pretty drunk right now.)

Counting down the hits, with everything as usual being about me....

1. Lemon Curry
In, with the undeserved #1 seed. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.

2. Sergeant Shaft
In, barring a cataclysmic change in total points. Will get the #2 seed with a win this week, the #4 seed with a loss. Fear the Shaft. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.

3. Enrico Palazzo
Win and In. Lose and he'll need a Disposable Heroes loss AND Ryan Grant's Ankle to either lose or end up with less points AND an adult diaper. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.

4. Disposable Heroes
Win and In. Lose and he'll need a Deez Bacon Balls loss AND a Ryan Grant's Ankle loss (barring a cataclysmic change in total points) AND Falafel to either lose or end up with less points AND a partridge in a pear tree. Luck..runs..out.

5. Deez Bacon Balls
Win and In. Lose and he'll need Disposable Heroes to lose and make up a 58 point difference in points AND a Ryan Grant's Ankle loss AND Falafel to either lose or make up a 72 point difference in points AND to recite the alphabet backwards while standing on his head patting his tummy and eating bacon. So..um...he probably shouldn't lose. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.

6. Ryan Grant's Ankle
Lose and he's out. Win and, barring the aforementioned cataclysmic change in total points, he'll just need a Disposable Heroes loss AND a Deez Bacon Balls loss. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week. (Also a belated Recap congrats to Sean and Mrs Sean, who are expecting their first child - a boy - in April! And extra kudos for proper planning - unlike Bradley and Brother Cole - so that he will still be able to make it to draft weekend. Thong should be taking notes.)

7. Despicable Falafel (aka The Walking Dead Falafel)
Lose and he's out. Win and he'll need to win on total points with a Disposable Heroes loss AND a Deez Bacon Balls loss AND a Ryan Grant's Ankle loss. But he's somehow still alive in this thing. Which is pretty crazy if you think about it. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.

8. Stabbed In The Hand
Lose and he's out. Win and he's out too, barring a yada yada yada total points. He would need a Hanukkah Miracle to make it. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.

9. The Foo Man Jew
Down and Out. Should have written some gay poetry - might have helped the karma.

10. Avathong
Out. He'll need a win AND a Foo Man Jew loss AND a Stabbed In The Hand loss making up 58 total points AND 2 more wins...then he'll get the jean shorts.


Good luck everyone!!! And thanks for cheering for me this week!!
- The Commish

Week 10-12 Recap: "Nice Beaver"

Hi there folks,

Long time, no 'cap. Hope everyone had a good 'n plenty Turkey Weekend. Around these parts, parity abounds, with no team having a worse record than 5-7 and only one lucky ass jerk having a record better than 7-5. So with the regular season winding down, we're overdue to take stock of everyone's situation. So let's recap the latest turn of events, stock-watch style....




Trending Up:




Sergeant Shaft
“You're excited? You should feel my nipples!” The time for being coy or quiet about this team is past. Your trusty Commish has the best damn team in the league. Period. And now that he's scratched and clawed his way up the standings after an unfathomable 1-4 start to the season, he's got the team to beat. (And just wait until Chris Johnson isn't playing with Rusty "Trombone" Smith.) Nobody wants a piece of this in the playoffs or otherwise. Fear the Shaft.

Stevie-G
"Hey, it's Enrico Palazzo!!!" Steve has won 3 of his last 4, and despite having 43 Quarterbacks on his team, has a very talented squad. (He collects more average quarterbacks than Urban Meyer). He's got a big showdown looming this weekend against Mazzle Tazzle that could very well determine which of them make the playoffs.

Falafelitis
"Jane: Goodyear? Frank: No, the worst. " In the too little, too late category, here comes Travis "Nordberg" Harrup! Despite giving up on his team a month ago, paying next to no attention to anything, and chalking up only 8 transactions all year, the unsinkable Falafel has won 3 in a row to play the ultimate league spoiler. Is he still mathematically alive for the playoffs? I dunno, that would require math. Probably not though. Still, kudos or something.

Mazzle Tazzle
"Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through." Two wins in a row and Bradley's #1 power poll ranked team is poised for another run at the Chicken Bone cup. Is is team actually any good though? I just stared at his roster for 15 minutes straight, and still have no bloody idea. He's spotting dimes, he's eating onions, I don't know what's going on!





Even, Shirley:






Liz Lemon
"Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes." The diminutive Brother Cole is riding his early season success all the way to the playoffs, despite his .500 record over his last 8 games. (Hey look ma, real analysis!) His fortunes lie with the success of Michael Vick, whose names coincidentally rhymes with Michael Dick.

Baldy McBalderson
"I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!" He's been up and down all season, in the playoffs one week, out of the playoffs the next. Sitting at 6-6, Sean is a mess of insecurity, indecision, and indigestion.







Trending Down:




Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon's Balls
"Dutch Gunderson: Who are you and how did you get in here?

Frank: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith."
Loser of 2 in a row after an insane run of good fortune, Maine could finish with the number 1 seed in the playoffs or end up smack in the middle of the consolation bracket. There's just no telling with him. Good thing he'll be too tired, drunk, or both to care.

Avathong/MFrank
"Rich: There's something wrong with your fantasy team, and we need to fix it right away.
Mike: My fantasy team?! What is it?
Rich: It's a fake football team full of crappy players, but that's not important right now."
These guys get lumped completely together, as neither of their teams are any good and they've lost a combined 8 games in a row between them. They are both exactly where they belong.

Foo Man Jew
"Frank: Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?
Jane: He’s Caucasian.
Ed: Caucasian?
Jane: Yeah, you know, a white guy. A mustache. About six-foot-three.
Frank: Awfully big mustache."

And Don't Call Me Shirley,
- The Commish

Week 9 Recap: "Power Rankings"

This has been one of the wackiest Chicken Bone seasons on record so far - full of close wins, fuzzy math, and upside down standings. (The top 4 point scorers are all 4-5!) So let's break out a power poll:

D-U-N Division
10. Falafel Sadness
With by FAR, the most points scored against him, Travis is the hardest luck loser we've ever seen in this league. Opponents are averaging over 100 points against him. It's insane. Except for RB, this is a pretty respectable team. But at 2-7, you can stick a fork in him.

Fading Fast Division
9. To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar
Loser of 4 straight, Robby knew his 1.3 seasons of success were too good to last. So now what time is it? Time for some gay poetry dammit! Bust some rhymes fool!

In The (Mike) Hunt Division
8. Jersey Muff Cabbage
Stevie-G has just enough of a point total and just enough talent on his team to have plenty of gooey false hope. This week's Strobby Bowl XVII is key for him, as he has half his team on bye going into a virtual elimination match.

7. Ryan Grant's Scrotum
Sean's squad has lost 2 in a row, but is pretty deep talent-wise and can't be counted out just yet. He'll sink or swim on the arm of Big Ben, who failed him in a 2-pt loss last night.

6. The Commish
Shhhh.....

Pretenders To The Crown Division
5. Thong
Ahhh...at least one thing is normal this season. We can always count on Sir Richard Spady of the Thong to be solidly and inexorably in 5th place. He might as well have the word "5th" tattooed on his ass.

4. Random Coen Brother Reference
Mike Frank should really grow a mustache. Or a goatee. Or soul patch. Something, man. His team just isn't very good. Time to shake it up somehow. Mohawk maybe?

Contenders To The Crown Division
3. Sprite
Lil' Cole has lost 3 of 4, and despite his franchise's tradition of winning, he'll have to scratch and claw just to stay near the top of the standings. His team is a collection of misfits and Michael Turner. If Vick stays healthy, he could be dangerous in the playoffs, as usual.

2. Baconator
The Draft Hostess with the Mostest is making a big push to make his first Chicken Bone playoffs, despite having a pretty sketchy and variable lineup from week to week. But you can't discount those 4 wins in a row or that 6-3 record. He's on top of the standings and there's no way he could possibly miss the playoffs now. No chance. He's golden.

1. Mazzle Tazzle
Lift Bradley up in a chair, as he gets the meaningless number 1 spot in the even more meaningless power rankings, pretty much by default. (He has the most total points of all the teams with an actual winning record.) He's got some boys that can play a little too. After last year's breakthrough season, does Bradley have what it takes to repeat? Stay tuned, true believers...

- The Commish

Week 8 Recap: "Bye Bye Bye"

A lot of low scores out there in Fantasy Land this week. The Bye week played havoc with almost everyone's starting lineups, as only 2 people even managed to score over 80 points. Let's break it down, Big Willie Style:

Sergeant at Arms: 80 Stabbed in the Crotch: 74
What happens when the best 2-5 team in history meets the worst 5-2 team in history? The worst 5-2 team gets 39 frickin points from his kicker and defense to take a big lead. And for the third straight week, the 2-5 team sweats things out through the fourth quarter on Monday night and is tired as balls on Tuesday morning. But the 2-5 (now 3-5) team prevails, despite 20 points from "The Law Firm" on the bench. And the 5-2 team (now 5-3) begins his inevitable autumnal fall from fantasy relevance.

Lemon Fury: 70 Steve's Crap Team: 65
Here's your 2nd worst 5-2 (now 6-2) team! My god, how is this guy in 1st place? John Kitna, really? Kicker and Defense is the secret weapon of the bad team, however, and he got 31 points from his. Steve, meanwhile, has given up on his season for about the 7th time, at least until next Sunday at 1:00, when he'll be glued to his TV/PC like the rest of us addicts. "False hope until mathematically eliminated" - that should be the motto of the league.

Disposable: 114 Despicable:61
Bradley puts up the WOW score of the week, getting huge numbers from the Jacksonville passing offense, the Detroit defense, and the Chas Henry kicking game. (I only made up one of those!) It's safe to chalk this up to a Falafel-sized fluke though, as Travis has officially passed me as the hardest luck loser in the league. With more total points than 1, 2, or 3 in the standings, Falafel - in theory- deserves much better than dead last place. So he's pretty much a zombie at this points - pretty much dead and hungry for brains.

Avat-hong: 78 Foo Jew: 75
Both of these teams are 4-4, but I know which one I'd rather have today. And which one I'd rather have if it was 2007.

Glass of Bacon: 66 Ryan Grant's Bald Head: 44
Is Maine's team actually any good? I'm really asking here. I have no idea. I mean, they won this week, they're 5-3 and in 2nd place, and their total points is aight....but....they started Chad Henne, Darren Sproles, and Eddie Royal. This season is really fookin with my head, man. Up is down, left is right, Steve is Robby, Win is Fail, Fail is Win... I...just...don't...know.....




...
- The Commish

Week 7 Recap: "Hope Floats Away"

(by Maine)

The bitter commissioner asked me to do the recap this week because he's too upset. His exact words were:

"You're an asshole and so is Dez Bryant. I'm not writing any fookin recaps this week."

In case you were too wrapped up in your own matchup this week, let me explain:

Deez Bacon Balls vs. Sergeant Shaft

Picture it. After Sunday, the Commish is down seven points to me. Going into Monday night, he has Hakeem Nicks and I have both Tony Romo and Dez Bryant. Unless Tony Romo unleashes his inner Rex Grossman and Dez Bryant unleashes his inner Robby Friedman, this thing is in the bag.

After 30-something yards, Tony Romo gets his ass broken and is done for the game. Go fucking figure. Now, the Commish needs Hakeem Nicks to basically be a few points better than Dez Bryant and he wins.

Fast forward to the fourth quarter. Hakeem Nicks has already exploded for two touchdowns in a romp and the Commish is literally 0.13 points away from taking home the completely unlikely and undeserved win. If Hakeem makes a catch for, like, 2 yards or Dez does something stupid like fumbling, game done.

(Are you riveted? Of course not. You don't care. You're too busy worrying about your waiver wire priority and whether or not your defense has a good playoff schedule.)

Anyway... garbage time touchdown for Dez and the Commish begins to feel the first inklings of sand in his vagina. Welcome to 2 and 5, Jason. You deserved this.

Stabbed in the Hand vs. Florida Taco Del Mar

Dwayne Bowe randomly played well, as part of the Chief's offensive explosion, but nobody else on Del Mar did, so they took the loss. Really, nobody played well in this matchup. Apathy abounds.

Lemon Curry vs. Disposable Heroes

Lemon Curry loses his second game in a row. Partially because he allowed Kevin Kolb to suit up. Can you imaging how Michael Turner must feel?

"Hey coach, did you see that game? I played my ass off and got you that paydirt. I think I twisted my ankle, but I really wanted to put up 21 for you. So, how much did we win by? ... Wait... you mean.... the Kevin Kolb from the Eagles?... but he'sterrible... so you mean we.... really, we lost?... I demand a trade!"

Meanwhile, Over-Ray-ted Rice and Matt For-Tame brought nothing to the table, but Mike "$16" Wallace scored a long TD to give the Heroes the victory.

Despicable Falafel va. Avathong

Denver's defense gave up 59 points to the Raiders and that just about sums up the weekend for Avathong. Lee Evans, on the other hand, scored three touchdowns because Ed Reed forgot he existed. Coupled with Matt Ryan's big day, that was enough to give Falafel his second win of the year.

By the way, this is my favorite time of the year in fantasy football. Everyone is so injured and bye weeks are so frequent that you can start Jason Snelling, Ben Watson and Johnny Knox and still have a good game.

Foo Man Jew vs. Ryan Grant's Ankle

Juggernaut fight!!

Well, not really. But both teams played well. Fun times across the board.

I'd love to have been in the vicinity after that Roethlisberger goal line fumble and reversal though. Screaming? Crying? Fingerbanging each other in the stadium's bathroom? Anything could have happened with all that emotion on the table and we couldn't even judge. We'd never truly understand.

And there's your fookin recap. Do better next week.