Howdy folks!
We are off to another ridiculous start to the eneffell season and another unpredictable season of Chicken Bone. The Dolphins are leading the AFC east in despite a defense with more open holes than Travis's mom. If you had told me in June that on September 19, Jay Cutler would be the Dolphins starting quarterback, they would have their first game postponed by a hurricane, they would have to put out a literal APB for their starting linebacker, and they would win their second game thanks to a 54 yd Cody Parkey field goal and a missed field goal at the buzzer by a random Korean dude, I would have thought....yup, that sounds about right for this franchise...
And then there's our league. Let's go team-by-team, see how the first couple weeks around here have gone, and check out the headlines...But really...how much could happen in just two weeks?
Game of Thongs! From Worst to First!
Is this finally the year of the Thong? Thanks to rookie sensations Dalvin Cook and Kareem Hunt (cousin to Mike Hunt), this looks like an early contender. Because oh yeah, he has Antonio Brown too. If Andrew Luck ever gets healthy and Hilton starts producing, watch the hell out. At the very least, a lot of bad things would have to happen at this point for Rich to be the Auction Bitch again. And there's really an upper limit on how many bad things can happen to one team...
Spoonman! Come together with your hands! (um...what?)
Mazzle's team looks stacked. Took on the member at large this time and soundly finished him off without even breaking a sweat. Except for tight end, not seeing a lot holes here. Really going for it!
In related news, the plot of Big Butt Sluts 4 in my cable guide says, "Sally Anne looks stacked. Took on the member at large this time and soundly finished him off without even breaking a sweat. Except for tight end, not seeing a lot holes here. Really going for it!"
Alternative Facts! This team is awesome!
Now we come to Robby, who is the first of mutliple candidates for the, "Is this team actually any good?" award. It doesn't feel like yes. And it doesn't feel like no. But he's 2-0 and that's all that really matters.
Member-At-Large! Quick - to the hospital!
This is fucking ridiculous. Fucking. Ridiculous. I've been playing fantasy football for most of my adult life and I've never seen anything like this. That's not hyperbole. Let's discuss - with directors commentary - what has befallen my team since the draft, in just TWO weeks...
- Willie Snead gets suspended for 3 games ("OK, that came out of nowhere, but I can deal for a few weeks...he was only 7 bucks...")
- Allen Robinson tears his ACL in the first quarter of his first game and is out for the season. ("Wow, that sucks. There goes another 7 bucks down the drain. I can make it until Snead comes back...")
- David Johnson dislocates his wrist in the 3rd quarter of Week 1, needs surgery and gets put on the I.R. ("FUCK!!! 66 dollars and I'm screwed. But I'm 1-0. Maybe if I scratch and claw and make a trade or two, I can salvage the season..."
- Greg Olson - who hadn't missed a game since 2007 - breaks his fucking foot in the first quarter of his second game. ("You gotta be shitting me...I'm done...")
- Corey Coleman breaks his hand in his second game ("Am I getting punked?")
Predictions for next week..
- Drew Brees has his throwing arm torn off in a freak Louisiana alligator attack.
- Todd Gurley is diagnosed with an advanced case of syphillis and is forced to retire.
- The entire Rams and Panthers defenses are abducted by aliens.
- Brandin Cooks continues to suck.
It's been a fun season guys. See you in 2018.
The Last Falafel! Not showing up until December 2017!
Zeke better get it going soon, or this year isn't going to go well for our fearless Falafel. Also, for reference, Travis is the only one who's ever used the messaging feature on the Yahoo app. You'd think he'd stop, since nobody has ever responded to him, but there he was again on Sunday, like clockwork, saying some mindless shit into the void about Michael Crabtree or something.
HellBacon! Now nitrate-free!
Now this team does seem pretty darn good. My early, bold prediction - Maine makes the playoffs as a 3 or 4 seed, then loses in the semis. You heard it here first. .. Also, he really needs one of the Carolina running backs to get hurt. Either one - he doesn't care.
I've got 2Chickens2Paralyze! I'm gonna ring their necks and break their thighs!
In a surprise to no one, Steve's team is going to live or die by the fortunes of Brady and Gronk. So he's got shot. No team depth whatsoever, but a shot. He's also taunted me by picking up David Johnson for his non-existent playoff game. But I give it 3 weeks max before he cuts him.
Running to Mercury! Crashing into Saturn!
There's an old saying that goes, "When you're counting on Doug Martin returning to save your season, you're counting on Doug Martin returning to save your season." How the mighty have fallen....
Sausage Party King! Birthday Party Champion!
OK, he's 0-2. Who'd have thought that Sean's draft strategy of bidding on players at random from a kids birthday party wouldn't pay off? But on the multiple plus side, as of this weekend, he's now in posession of The Chicken Bone Cup. Oh yeah, and he's a dad again to a healthy baby boy - congrats dude! See you in 2018!
The Paterfamilias are coming! The Paterfamilias are coming!
Gonna be a long crawl out of the basement to 7-7. If my math is correct, Mike Frank needs to win 2 whole games in a row just to get back to .500. His gambles on Luck, Henry, Mixon and Powerball haven't paid off so far. But there's always next week...
That's it! And that's plenty!
Peace out,
- The Commish
