Howdy folks,
So, we are 3 weeks into this thing, and I’m finally writing my
first column of the season. (I’m not
even going to talk about the Dolphins lest I jinx whatever alchemy they have
going.) So let’s run through the highly
scientific power rankings, data-driven by advanced metrics as always …
10. Sausage – Completely sucky for the
first two weeks and pretty good this week.
Has Goodwin back now and Ingram back soon, so he won’t be in 10th
place for long. Also, this year he
drafted with 7 different children in his lap at the same time, so he keeps upping
the level of difficulty of that. Next year
he plans to draft from inside a wind tunnel with 1046 crying babies flying around
his head.
9. Robert, Esq. – He’s way too busy with
Marathon training to pay attention to his weak and Patriot-laden team. If Brady-to-Gronk doesn’t hit, he pretty much
loses the week. Also, luck still appears
to be against him, as he lost Week 2 for no reason whatsoever due to a
recovered onside kick. Perhaps a name change back to Karmasabitch is in order?
8. Mr. F - Mike Frank’s team has a bunch
of above-average players, but there’s no telling which of them will be above
average in any given week. So consequently,
he’s left with dart throws on starters and joy when they work out and regrets
when they don’t. My prediction – he finishes at 7-7.
7. Master Commish – A
thoroughly mediocre effort so far. Lousy
QB play, shouldn’t have won week 2, and a hurt Lenny Fornette all add up to a probably
generous ranking at #7. Also, probably
went to the Larry Fitz and Demeryious Thomas wells once too often. (Also, still
can’t fucking spell Demeriyous no matter how many times he’s on the team…know
there’s a “Y” in there somewhere). This
could get ugly. Already thinking about
Labor Day draft weekend in 2019 and strategic improvements.
6. Richard Thong, PhD – AJ Green has been great and Aaron Rodgers has been
decent and Dalvin Cook has been bad and hurt and Julio has been Julio. And wow, otherwise there’s a lot of hot garbage
here. Like steaming hot. How the hell is this team ranked #6? I’m going to write a letter to the Commissioner.
5. Four Feet of Bacon
– Now here’s a ranking that’s probably a little low, but let’s give it another
week before the popsicle party. He’s got
some pieces here, especially at WR. Tyreek
Hill can score 50 on any given week.
Hopkins is his usual stud self.
Keelan Cole has a great name and can play too. If David Johnson could get going, this could
be something….
4. The Winner Formerly Known as Lemon Curry? - Should Mike Cole be ranked higher than
this? Maybe! James Conner is doing his best Leveon Bell
impersonation, and Will Fuller looks healthy and studly. But Kirk Cousins shat the bed yesterday
against the Bills Bills Bills. “You Like
that?!” No, no you do not. This team is fine, but the top 3 are clearly
better. …. That reminds me of a joke… A
guy walks into the psychiatrist, completely pants-less with cellophane over his
crotch. And the psychiatrist says, “Clearly,
I can see you’re nuts.”
2. Mazzlemuzzlecalifragilisticexpialidociousezian
– Brad is in first place in the standings, but not in our hearts. Third.
He’s third in our hearts. At
best. He’s got a lot of interesting pieces
to mix and match, but has:
·
The weekly Roethlisberger or Ryan dilemma
·
No Tight End (talk to Travis!)
·
“Allen Robinson II” AND “Marvin Jones Jr.” who
are the same player and named without any regards to consistency.
·
An overreliance on New Orleans offence.
·
No backhand at ping pong.
2. Love Falafool – Is Fitzmagic for
real? If so, this is a team to be frickin
reckoned with. The better Denver WR,
Zeke Elliott, Theilan, Melvin Gordon…sheesh!
This team is so loaded, Travis is playing two tight ends for the first time
in Chicken Bone history (Ertz and Graham).
Not to mention, 100-yd rusher Kerryon Johnson and Patriot-killer is on
the bench, just waiting to tap in. I don’t want to tangle with this squad anytime
soon. (Looks at next week’s schedule…SHIT!)
1. In Saquon He Trusts
-
FACT: no newlywed in our league has ever won the Chicken
Bone Cup, let alone even made the playoffs.
Seriously, look it up… But if married life doesn’t get in the way,
this could be Steve’s year. He’s loaded everywhere
but RB and has Pat Mahomes and Drew Brees to choose from on a weekly basis at
QB. And Saquon is only going to get better. This is the #1 team in the league right now,
and he says that anyone who says otherwise can suck his hairy balls!
Good luck to all that have players going in the game tonight! I reserve the right to alter any and all of these
rankings tomorrow morning!
- The Commish
