Howdy folks!
Wow, what a start to the football season! I think we even have a few players left to suit up and play Week 3! I'm looking forward to the playoffs, where I'll be starting Blake Bortles at QB, Devonta Freeman and Frank Gore at RB, and a recently unretired Dennis Northcutt as my WR1. And those will be the best players left standing in the league.
The Dolphins are 0-2, the stands are empty, there are no cheerleaders, and every key fantasy guy is hurt (even Alvin Kamara, who tore his ACL getting out of bed this morning at Travis's mom's house).
At this point in 2020, I'm just trying to make it through this first recap without getting carpal tunnel syndrome. But let's go team-by-team and see how everyone is looking through the first couple weeks...
Dominus Dingus/Commish/Bob Smerloff - Won easily the first two weeks. Cam Akers got hurt, and Chris Godwin is one more concussion away from retirement, but everything else is looking pretty peachy so far. Baltimore Kicker and Defense are doing good things and Dionte Johnson is looking like a potential value stud. Zach Ertz needs to get back to doing Zach Ertz things though.
The Kitchen Brothers/MFrank/Pretzel Boy - Good Mike is also 2-0, after eking out a win over Evil Mike this past weekend. This was mostly thanks to...checks notes..417 years passing and 4 TDs from Josh Allen?! WTF? So a Josh and a Chubby was all he really needed apparently. ... Team Pretzel avoided the Week 2 injurypocalypse and will get even more dangerous once Golladay comes back. This is a squad to to watch...
Wolf Nipple Chips/MCole/Evil Mike - He's 1-1, and lost both Sutton and Parris Campbell in the weekend's injurymageddon. He's got WR depth issues, but has found a potential Bell Cow RB in James Robinson. Oh, and MFing Calvin Ridley through two games! As Keanu Reeves would say, Woah Nellie!!!
BACON-19/Maine/Beard Face - Livin by the Raiders, Dyin by the Raiders! In Week 1, his team got abused by Josh Jacobs. But in Week 2, thanks to a clutch performance by Darren Waller, he had a huge come from behind victory over Thong. Raidahs! I give it 3 weeks before Maine is packing up, moving to Vegas, and starting a new life as a Casino Fixer. ... In the meantime, his fantasy team looks pretty sweet.
Master of Puppets/Mazzle/Chuck - Happy Birthday Dude! After a lackluster showing in Week 1, for your birthday, we got you a Week 2 matchup with Robby. Hope you enjoyed! ...Speaking of enjoyment, Matt Ryan has been pretty darn fun for Mazzle so far. (Side note: if you're not having fun with your QB this season so far, you're doing it wrong. So many big numbers!) Mazzle lost Tevin Coleman in the injurypalooza, but has benefitted from Marlon Mack going down for the season. He has studs in Jonathan Taylor, Aaron Jones and Joe Mixon And he's stacked at WR. So in conclusion, this team looks really excellent too! Where are all the BAD teams in our league?! (foreshadowing...)
Snausages/Sausage King/King of the Balds - Sean got in the win column with a big fat Week 2 win over Steve, thanks to 3 huge Tyler Higbee touchdowns. (Side note: "Tyler Higbee" sounds like the name of an indie band from 2002.) In general, however, this team - which stars Jarvis Landry, Devin Singletary, and Juilo Jones's hamstring - is being described by pundits as "highly mediocre."
Extra Billy/Humberto/Team DVante - Robby's team might be Dunzo after Week 2. Ever wonder what it looks like to just light $70 dollars on fire? Well wonder no more! Saquon Barkley is out for the season, and to add injury to injury, Sterling Shepherd messed up his toe, while Davante Adams hamstring filed for divorce. Not a good week Bob. Not a good week.
Falafel Fantasy Team/Trav/Chick Pea Boy - Well, at least Falafel got his pain over with in Week 1, with Michael Thomas going down for a few weeks with an ankle. He got a win that first week, but came up empty in Week 2 (literally, in the case of Anthony Miller, who scored as many points last week as Udonis Haslem and Dwyane Wade combined). Right now he's looking at Alvin Kamara and a whole lot of hot garbage. This is not a team to watch, unless you like watching train crashes.
Thongdemic/Thongtastic/Thongosauraus - A heartbreaking 0.34 point loss to Maine in Week 2, but this team actually has some talent. (Unfortunately, some of that talent like Edelman was inexplicably on the bench in Week 2). Rich lost Mostert to injury-a-go-go in Week 2 after losing Bell in Week 1. But Russ has been cooking, Tyreek Hill has been killing, and DJ Chark is going to torch the Dolphins this Thursday night. We might get some Thong noise yet before this season is done...
Tua Legit to Quit/Steve-O/Future Auction Bitch - And last, but certainly least, we come to Steve's team. But is he out or just down? CMcC went down for 4-6 weeks in the injuryendoftheworldasweknowitandifeelfine, but he still has Zeke and uh...Allen Lazard? OK, it might be a long season....
Enjoy the excellent week of sports everyone! Hope you all are staying safe and sane.
Cheers,
- The Commish
