Howdy folks,
Wow, we here at Commish Headquarters have been slacking even more than usual with our recapping. But given the sportsapalooza over the past 4 weeks, that was to be expected. Between normal fall football, the Miami Heat, and the Atlanta Braves, we should be afforded some frickin' slack over here. We, as an sports-loving organization, are emotionally spent.
Speaking of spent, how about all of everybody's fantasy players. Is there anyone that isn't hurt, covid-ridden, underperforming, or on bye in October? What a shit show! Let's take a look at the situation on the ground, power-rankings-style (AKA Big Willie Style):
#10 #Pencefly/Steve/Steev/Stevie G
Stevie makes it into the Win column this week, thanks to big games from Kittle and Kirk. If he only drafted Kamara instead of McCafferey, he would have a) been a contender and b) had a troublesome nickname for his team! But alas, this team still has a long climb to go out of the league basement.
#9 Falafel Fantasy Team/Travis/Lawson/Harrup/Dog Doo
Sure Travis is technically 3-3, but that Week 6 stinker was one of the crappiest showings in the history of the league. That was New York Jets level-bad. He even managed to leave his best receiver on his bench, in the form of..checks notes...Travis Fulgham. That's his best receiver? Shit, this is even worse than I thought. With little talent and the 2nd least amount of total points scored, Travis belongs in the 9-hole. (Side note: the 9-hole is what his mom calls...something something nasty...)
#7/8 *tie Extra Billy/Humberto/Robert/Robby/Robbie/Rob/Cousin Bob
This spot is a dead heat for mediocrity. Let's take a look at some Extra Billy first, a team name so nice, Robby used it twice. Well, the good news is he's not in Auction Bitch position for a change (bent over with a laptop). But the bad news is, after a 2-1 start, he's dropped 3 in a row. He no-showed in Week 6 and instead of the Titans Defense, he would have been better off starting a dirty cum-filled sock . Also, not that we are in any way equating the two, he also would have been better off starting the Jets Defense. .. Bottom line: this team is thin at RB with Barkley out and Rodgers fell back to earth with a thump this week, buuuut there is some talent here and there's a chance Robby can still make a run.
#7/8 *tie The Kitchen Bros/MFrank/Pretzel Boy/Mike/Mickey Brown Eyes/Cousin Mickey
The esteemed Michael Seth Frank has had the most points scored on him in the league. That's no fun. But man, he's just beating himself. Case-in-point: in Week 6 he started subjectively the wrong QB (Allen over Watson), objectively the wrong W3 (Shenault over Moore), and the blindingly fucking obvious wrong RB (Edmonds over Drake for some weird reason). All of that cost him 50+ points and a victory. This team has some talent, but Michael Seth Frank really needs to get his head out of his ass.
#6 Wolf Nipple Chips/MCole/Michael Evan Cole/Obscure Monty Python Reference/Brother Cole
Man, this team complains a lot.
#5 Snausages/Sean/Shawn/Shaun/Sean Forman/Abe Froman/Sausage King of Chicago
How on earth is this team 4-2? I guess having Patrick Mahomes, Nuk Hopkins, and Julio Jones covers for a lot of ills. Sean has no TE, no reliable RBs, no WR Depth, and Claypool and the PIT D are due for regressions. Side Note: He has both running backs David Montgomery and Devin Singletary on his team, and to this day we honestly couldn't tell you which one is which. Have to look it up every damn time. They might even be the same person, for all we know.
#4 Master of Puppets/Brad/Bradley/Mazzle/Mazzle-Muzzle/The Marvelous Mr. Mazzle
Frankly, we're not sure what to make of Brad's team. Aaron Jones and Joe Mixon are studs, and AJ Brown is finally healthy. But Matty Ryan has been schizophrenic as all get out. Same goes for OBJ, who has one monster game, one decent game, and a bunch of lousy ones. Likewise for Mark Andrews, who has had 3 great games and 3 duds. So who the hell knows what this team is going to do on a weekly basis? Bradley might not make the playoffs, but you won't want to face him if he does.
#3 Thongdemic/Richard/Rich/Thong-tha-thong-thong-thong
In the 3-spot due to his 3-3 record, but Thong might just have the best damn team in the league. He's 2nd most in points scored and has talent and depth out the wazoo. And LeVeon Bell is coming as a relevant contributor with KC to boot. And don't forget about Russell Wilson, the best QB this side of Mahomes and Jackson. This is a team to be reckoned with. #LetThongCook
# 2 Dominus Dingus/Commish/MeMyselfAndI
You wouldn't think it at 5-1, in first place, and with the most points scored in the league. but this team is being held together by string, gum, and duct tape. And it's heading for a fall. That's not even a reverse jinx. Dak Prescott got broken hard. Zach Ertz was lousy and now broken too. Dionte Johnson can't stay healthy and is now eclipsed by Claypool. Mike Davis's good time is ending soon once CMcC comes back. And Cam Akers just put up 0.00 points on two fewer carries than Robby's scrotum (and 1 fewer than Brother Cole's). This isn't going to end well.
#1 BACON-19/Jermaine/Maine/The Baconator
With 3 straight wins and on a roll, Maine's team is an easy call for the top spot. They can beat you in so many ways. Murry and Newton at QB. Johnson, Swift, Fornette, Gordon at RB. Cooper, Evans, Metcalf, Fuller at WR. Waller and Gronk at TE. It's a damn murderer's row. FEAR THE BACON!!!
So, that's a wrap. Good luck to everyone the rest of the season on your quest to win the Dak Prescott Memorial Trophy!
Peace, Love, and Chicken Grease,
- The Commish
