Howdy Howdy Folks,
As I'm in the playoffs, I outsourced the annual Playoff Preview to Maine. Here ya go...
So, this was a fun season.
Remember the part when Raheem Mostert carried the ball twice before being out for the year? Remember when Will Fuller did exactly what Will Fuller does every year, except without any of the good parts? Remember when Aaron Rodgers tried to do the “that depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is” to everyone about his Covid infection? Remember week 15 when Covid hubris benched seemingly half of the league? Remember when Allen Robinson caught Covid more often than the ball in the endzone?
Remember when Mike dropped Michael Pittman Jr. to pick up the spectral remains of Le’Veon Bell? Remember when Robby started the season wearing a t-shirt that celebrated his championship, then ended the season wearing a bathrobe and staring at a noose in an empty hotel room? Remember when I paid $50 Shrute bucks to roster a guy named Juwan Johnson (I think?). Remember when Steve told us all to suck his dick, and we collectively thought “jeez – I mean, if it’ll help the guy feel better…?”
Jason asked me to do a playoff preview, which is nice because this will be the only part of the playoffs I actually participate in. Thanks.
Harvester of Sorrow:
Brad is starting Odell Beckham Jr., which is something not even an NFL team would actually feel good about right now. I think it’s also important to note that his team has scored fewer points than three teams that didn’t even make the playoffs. He’s winning because has the second-best defensive team in the league right now, which is a monitoring metric for 2021 luck. If he doesn’t feel good about his chance, all he has to do is stare out into the crowd and see everyone flapping their wings like the ending scene to Angels in the Outfield and recognize that, sometimes, shitty teams do better than they should. Congrats, bro. You’ve got this.
Sausage Factory:
This motherfucker is beating us WITH Saquon Barkley on his roster. Think about that. Saquon has killed more teams than the flu killed Ugandans this year, and this man is still kicking ass? Impressive. Sean’s in a great spot. Tom Brady is winning the Kobe Bryant Award for “Being Better and More Likeable Now Than When You Were in Your Prime.” Leonard Fournette is having his I’m Keth Hernandez season. And Davante Adams is ascending into football godhood as we watch. Gotta feel good about what’s going on here.
Wong-Master of the Mystic Arts:
Jason has Cooper Kupp and Jonathan Taylor. I don’t have the metrics in front of me, but I think 117% of fantasy teams that drafted both Cooper Kupp and Jonathan Taylor are in the playoffs with a really good chance of winning. It doesn’t matter if the rest of your team is “Human Bootyhole” Brandon Aiyuk, “Great Mormon Hope” Taysom Hill and “Will Fuller That Actually Plays” Chase Claypool. Jason is fine. Plus, Dalvin Cook is here and that guy can go for 40 any time the coaching staff stops stepping on his dick and lets him.
Jamie Tartt’s Better Than You:
Travis’s team is the only one that features a talented player at every position, plus Hunter Renfrow. Any one of his players can score 25 points in a week, or be Hunter Renfrow. It’s amazing to see this kind of healthy, high potential roster construction plus Hunter Renfrow this late in the season. He has scored the most points in the league by a lot, and that’s even if you subtract his high scores in arrogance, hubris, and generalized shit talking.
Conclusion:
Travis is winning and he’s going to be fucking unbearable about it for the next calendar 18 months. See y’all next season.
