Howdy folks!
We're back again here at Recap HQ with another season of half-assed reporting and C+ jokes.
Soo we are officially off and running on Football season, and I am reminded why I get sucked into this stuff every year. For all the mediocre games, player disappointments, freak injuries, racist owners, false hope, and crushing defeats, this game still produces just enough "holy shit" moments to make all the negative stuff worth it. Like Steve reaching down a girl's pants in Bangkok, ya just never quite know what you're going to get.
My favorite two stats from the Dolphins 42-38 comeback over the Ravens:
- Teams leading by 21 or more in the fourth quarter had won 711 consecutive games.
- No quarterback has thrown for four touchdowns in the fourth quarter in 15 years. The last guy to do it was Sage Rosenfels.
I think that says it all.
Some observations from around the league with two weeks under our ever expanding belts:
- Damn Maine and MFrank!...leave some points for the rest of us. These guys are taking a page from the Bills playbook and - like Travis's mom at Churchill Downs chasing a honey hay bale - just smoking everyone right out the gate. And yes, I'm saying that Travis's mom is a horse.
- Mike Frank, in particular, absolutely destroyed Robby's will to live in Week 2 after putting up a near-record 189 frickin' points. To be clear for those in the back, Mike Frank WON (97) by more points than Robby scored (92). Sheesh.
- My team is 1-1 and Buck Average. I suspect there might be some sort of body swap movie thing going on with me and Mike Frank. I'm also more top heavy than a Canadian Stripper. More to come on this...
- BUT I'm not the only Cole with an Average team. Michael Cole, that long-haired Richard Lewis-looking motherfucker, is also 1-1 after eking out a win over Thong in week 2. He's loving Mahomes, but unfortunately has 2 members of the Steelers offensive "offense" in his starting lineup. So it's a mixed bag.
- Speaking of Thong....woof! The season is barely underway and he's already Auction Bitch for next year. C'mon Thong - give someone else a chance to type poorly into a google spreadsheet!!
- The year may change, but the result stays the same. In Week 2's rematch of last season's championship game, Falafel beat his Sausage yet again. Yada yada masturbation joke yada yada.. Falafel's Lions also beat the Thong's Commanders this week, which means absolutely nothing.
- Speaking of meaningless, Steve's Giants are somehow 2-0! I have no idea what to make of that. At least Steve is 0-2 in our league and the Gators can barely beat South Florida, so the world still somehow makes sense.
- In other Rappaport news, here was his last week:
- Sept 16 - Get Drunk, cut Tony Pollard for a Kicker
- Sept 17-19 - Vow to be more responsible
- Sept 20 - Get Drunk, bid $75 for Tony Pollard
- Mazzle got his ass kicked by Maine to fall to 1-1 on the year. I'm calling it now...Mazzle will finish 5-10 and in ninth place. Mark it down.
That's all I got for now. More shenanigans as events warrant.
Cheers shitasses,
-The Commish
