The vibes are fantastic around here, so it's time to hand out some year-end awards. Let's tie a black bow around this dumpster fire of a season.
HARDWARE
Congrats to Sean for taking 3rd place with a dominant performance over the Fighting Moskowitzes. Sean should be proud of what he accomplished this season! And he can go out and celebrate with last year's 3rd place winner! You know....um....that guy we all remember....
And congrats to Mazzle for winning the consolation bracket and taking home the jean shorts, in a major upset over Thong. He can wear those shorts proud to all of the Florida Gator football games.
And last but not least, a hearty CONGRATS to Mike Cole* for winning his first championship* in over a decade!!! He may not be most dominant champion* or the best looking champion* or the champion* that smells the best, but dammit he outlasted everyone else. And there's something to be said for that in this awful season. Fantasy Football isn't about the having best draft, or scoring the most points, or being the best team at the end of the season. It is a full season-long, head-to-head grind, that will chew you up and spit you out in new and surprising and heartbreaking ways. Every regular season week counts the same, and the playoffs are a crap shoot. It is a game of particular skill and maddening luck, in non-equal doses depending on the season, the week, or even the game. It is UNFORGIVING and GLORIOUS and it's the best game ever invented. And we will all keep coming back for more.
AWARDS
Best Team Name: Old Dirty Bacon, hands down
Worst Team Name: Polemarch. What was I thinking? It's a chieftain or military commander in ancient Greece, but nobody knows that. Just awful.
Best team name that should have been retired two years ago: Extra Billy
Best Draft Picks: Mike Frank
Worst Draft Picks: Maine Thong
Calmest Draft Picks: Steve
No Draft Picks: Seth
Baldest: Sean
All-time Records: Fittingly none
Best/Worst/Only Trade: I think I won this one by a nose:
Najee Harris Pit - RBGus Edwards Bal - RBTraded to PolemarchGabe Davis Buf - WRCooper Kupp LAR - WR IRTraded to Candygram for Mongo
The Mike Frank Memorial 7-7 Award: Once again, Mike Frank, who regressed to the mean in the playoffs and finished 9-8.
Mr Irrelevant: The Commish, in so many ways
Poster of the Year: In a hotly contested race, I'm gonna give this one to Falafel. Travis was all over the place on the message board this year- bragging, throwing bombs, being bitter, and weighing in constantly with his very Falafel-like opinions. Congrats Travis! Your mother will no-doubt neigh loudly with approval.
And lastly, we come to a new award - Bitterest Owner : 10-way tie. An ode....
This season sucked,
so let's count the ways
that we're all very bitter,
these dark winter days.
So bitter was Steve,
for he finished last.
It started quite poorly
and went downhill fast.
With posts of pure rage,
a fit did he pitch.
But nevertheless,
he's still Auction Bitch.
So bitter was Jason,
his team was quite boring,
then Kupp went down,
and so did his scoring.
After twelve weeks,
he still had false hope.
After fifteen,
he felt like a dope.
So bitter was Maine,
way down in his joints,
he finished in eighth,
but scored the most points!
He lost by a little,
he lost by a lot,
high scoring and low,
it all was for naught.
So bitter was Travis,
flying high in first place.
Six losses later,
he tumbled from grace.
No repeat for him,
no pie in the sky,
missing out the playoffs,
falling just one win shy.
So bitter was Rich,
never much in the game,
he set his sights lower,
jean shorts he did aim.
But alas he fell short,
with a finish of six,
So pants he must wear,
while turning his tricks.
So bitter was Brad,
in so many ways!
Ranting and raving,
for days upon days.
For a six-and-nine team,
he became quite the scold.
While first in his bracket,
he wasn't consoled.
So bitter was Frank,
in first for a while,
flamed out in the playoffs,
by a big country mile.
As is his wont,
he's stayed mostly calm,
but one day he'll lose it,
and explode like a bomb.
So bitter was Sean,
one move from glory.
He lost in the semis,
in another man's story.
Though what could have been,
he overachieved
He scored the least points,
and shouldn't be peeved.
So bitter was Robby,
his luck was the worst.
On that fateful last night,
two hearts didst burst.
Anything could have happened,
he'll just never know.
His hope of comeback,
wrought a tale of woe.
So bitter was Michael*,
though he won the whole thing.
But the way it went down,
has still got to sting.
He scratched and he clawed,
the best at the game.
An asterisk laid,
at the end of his name.
Till next time, bitches.
- The Commish
