Howdy folks!
Confession Time:
It’s been a while since I recapped around these parts, as I was on a heater and reallly didn’t want to jinx anything. Also, a smidge of laziness. But mostly I had won 6 in a row, and didn’t even want to breathe on the computer, let alone write a recap of how great I had been doing. Because then something crazy might happen, like me scoring 160 points and losing. God for-fucking-bid!!
Meanwhile, there’s been a whole lot of movement in the
standings, and with a couple weeks to go before the playoffs, there is still
plenty up for grabs.
So, let’s get into it, shall we…
Post-November Recap and Power Rankings:
# 10. Jermaine
(4-9). 10th in the Standings.
Just an awful season from Maine. His team is a Washington Wizards level collection
of misfit toys. He’s scored the fewest
points in the league. He’s had the most
points scored against him in the league.
He’s lost 3 of 4, including a backbreaker of a loss to the 9th
place team (Steve) in Week 13. He’s
officially been eliminated from playoff contention, the jean shorts are a long
shot, his house has termites, and even his dog refuses to lick the peanut
butter off his testicles. It’ll take a
damn miracle for him to avoid being the Auction Bitch at the 2024 Draft. And you know he’s going to be salty about
it. There’s really not much more to say
here. Tim Scott has a better chance than
him.
# 9. Steven (5-8).
9th in the Standings.
Some glimmers of hope for Tommy Cutlets over here. (Great name by the way! Just fantastic.) He’s won 2 in a row, emerging victorious in
the Strobby Bowl then in the Auction Bitch Bowl. Then, the Seminoles got hosed in the CFP, so
that’s gotta make him happy. And to top
it all off, “Steven” had an awesome cameo in the first episode of the new tv
show “The Curse.” Check
it out! He’s totally vibing!
# 8. Robert (8-5).
3rd in the Standings.
Ooof! A month ago, he
was 8-1 and in first place. Now after 4
straight losses, he is hanging on for dear life harder than Travis’s mom’s thighs
on the pole. But why is Robby in
such a free fall? He probably has some
players that have been underperforming and/or injured. He also might have made some poor managerial
decisions with lineups. He also might
have chosen the wrong players to pick up off the waiver wire. These are all distinct possibilities.
But there are other theories. Here are the top 10:
1.
He is so overjoyed with the Dolphins’ success that
he hasn’t been paying attention to fantasy.
2.
He has spent all of his spare time watching and
re-watching the Golden Bachelor.
3.
He’s sandbagging and just trying to give the
rest of us a chance.
4.
He’s on strike.
5.
He's been desperately attempting to get our
league on Hard Knocks.
6.
He has been replaced by a replicant who is only
into English soccer and show tunes.
7.
He’s been busy founding the Raheem Mostert fan club.
8.
He’s been busy paying attention to important
things in life like spending time his wife and daughter instead of frivolous fantasy
football endeavors.
9.
He has been spending time buying peanut butter
and hanging out with Maine’s dog.
10.
He is bad at this.
I suppose we’ll never know….
# 7. Bradley (6-7).
8th in the Standings.
Brad has lost five out of six, and while he’s still in the
playoff hunt, his chances are looking dimmer by the week. He needs to win out and get some help in
order to make it to the dance. But he
hasn’t scored more than 107 points since October. And he has zero-zippy-zilch left in his FAAB,
which – coincidentally – is the number of bowl games the Gators are playing in
this year. Not looking great.
The only bright spot in Mazzles’s world lately is that the internet
has finally figured out how to pronounce his name. https://www.howtopronounce.com/brad-malemezian
# 6. (tie)
Richard (6-7). 7th
in the Standings.
Michael F (7-6). 6th
in the Standings.
These guys again!
They should team up for a new spin off of the tv show “The League”
called “The League: Mediocrity.” Hulu
called and just picked it up for 4 seasons.
For fuck sake!
So, Thong was 6-4, and clearly flew too close to the sun at
2 games over .500 and proceeded to lose 3 in a row. Meanwhile, MFrank hasn’t won or lost more than
2 in a row all season. If these guys’ final
record doesn’t add up to a record of 15-15, I’ll be flabbergasted.
#4. Jason (7-6). 4th
in the Standings.
I have won the last 6 of 7 to crawl out of the depths and
back into contention. Exciting. Still time to blow it though.
I lost in Week 13 to Travis by a score of 165-160 to snap a
6 game losing streak. That was bad
enough. But because Travis has both Tua and Tyreek, I couldn’t even enjoy them
going buck wild against the pitiful Commanders. So not only did I lose with a score that would
have beaten anyone else in the league by 30(!), but I also couldn’t even fully enjoy
the Dolphins game! Throw in some
unexpected false hope from Joe Mixon on Monday night, and it really sucked! For Hanukkah, can somebody please get me the
world’s smallest violin?
#3. Sean
(6-7). 6th in the Standings.
Now we come to the opposite of Robby (and not just because of the hair differential). Though he still hasn’t risen enough to crack the top 4, Sean has won 4 in a row and 5 out of 6. He's making things really interesting! But what is the secret to his success?
1.
He has outsourced all of his fantasy decisions to
“The Moose” and “Pedro Tulo.”
2.
He practices winning (see recent temple trivia
night).
3.
He had his offensive coordinator, Matt Canada,
fired.
4.
He brought in Mike Cole* as a consultant, then
refused to pay him when Mike* tried to break his NDA and take credit.
5.
He ignores his family and checks into a local
Holiday Inn every Tuesday to better focus on his Waiver Wire claims.
6.
One word:
Lifts.
7.
He has kidnapped Matthew Berry and has him tied up
in his basement.
8.
He eats a lot of peanut butter.
9.
He grabbed Lauren Boebert’s titty for good luck.
10.
He is good at this.
#2. Travis (8-5). 2nd in the Standings.
#1. Michael C* (8-5). 1st in the Standings and last in
our hearts.
Still the Champ until anyone else says otherwise.
First place, best record, most total points, best roster.
The team to beat.
Happy Hanukkah Everyone!
- The Commish
