Howdy folks!
OK, this is very late and I’ve been a slacker. No excuses! Next season, less foolish tinkering with my
roster and more recaps. But what’s done
is done. And what’s not done is not
done. And what’s left to do is left to
do. And what’s left to do is let you all
know what the hell is happening around here.
Rambling thoughts, in no particular order of importance:
- The ACC is a mess as usual, but it’s been a fun ride for UVA Football while it lasted (and it lasted until Chandler Morris got his brains exploded in the 2nd quarter against Wake Forrest).
- Hey Mike Cole - how’s that Bill Belichick at UNC thing working out? I haven’t heard.
- The Dolphins and Commanders have been deported to Spain. Hopefully neither of them will come back. Adios motherfuckers!
- Speaking of motherfuckers, Falafel.
- A not-so-gentle reminder for everyone to set their damn lineups on Sunday morning! Too many injured players getting locked into triple bagel (0.00) results. For the ‘tegridy of the league, just get it done. Also, for the love of god, fold your clothes right away before they get wrinkled. Don’t let them just hang out in the laundry hamper. We’re not animals here.
- Discussion topic: What does everyone think of the inaugural Superflex season so far? Run it back for next season? If so, should we keep the same size rosters or add a bench slot?
- Speaking of slots, Falafel’s mom.
- Lastly, a reminder – no matter how bad your fantasy season is going or how bad your favorite team is doing this season, just remember you could have it worse. You could be a Toronto Blue Jays fan.
OK, time for the Power Rankings, which are largely unchanged from last time:
10. Steve-O
Oy vey. The less said
about Steve’s season the better. This
team is hot ass. It is so garbage that
is aspires to be a dumpster fire. But I
will note that in addition to having a truly terrible team with the fewest
points scored in the league, Steve also has had the 2nd most points
scored against him. He’s lost
four in a row and is searching for rock bottom in a bottle of whiskey.
9. Thong
"If you got me on fantasy, man, get rid of me!" -
actual quote from A.J. Brown this week.
If that doesn’t sum up Thong’s season, I don’t know what does. He’s
been schlepping a parade of injured, underperforming, or plain bad Wide
Receivers around for the better part of a season. This week he’s starting somebody named “Tez”
at WR3. Tez! At 3-7
with the 2nd fewest point scored in the league, Thong is now just hoping
to stay in contention for the jean shorts.
8. Maine
So…Maine’s opponents this season have been averaging a
whopping 144.3 points! It’s become a schtick
at this point, but c’mon! He pays his taxes! He’s good dude! He sets his lineups! Why do the fantasy gods hate him? Could
it be because he keeps running out guys like Xavier Worthy and Aaron
Rodgers? Because it took 10 games for TreVeyon
Henderson to be worth a damn? Because until
this week, he was rostering someone named Bayshul, which is also the name of a
Miami Beach synagogue? Nope, it must all
be bad luck.
7 (previously 5). Commish
Why has your trusty commish lost 3 in a row to drop out of
the playoff race? In short, he’s been
managing his team like a putz, he’s had a rash of injuries during bye weeks,
and he annoyingly keeps writing about himself in the 3rd person. He
would also like you all to know that all New York City teams and players within
(Garrett Wilson and the Jets, Tyrone Tracy and the Giants, the Ghost of Yogi
Berra, etc.) can cordially go fuck themselves.
6. Mazzle
So, Bradley had the chutzpah to text me several reverse jinx messages before his Jalen Hurts and my Saquon Barkley squared off on Monday night with our score virtually tied. A sampling:
- “I’m going into it with low expectations. Saquon will be the latest to crush my hopes and dreams”
- “See, I’m cooked. Hurts only knows how to hand off tonight. Best I can hope for is a tush push miracle.”
- “My team sucks and I don’t deserve to win or be loved by anyone ever again. Also I'm ugly and I smell.”
OK, I made that last one up, but my point stands.
And what was my point exactly? Oh yeah, that shit is transparent, but it works. He naturally beat me by 2 points.
5 (previously 7). Sausage
So, Sean is on a quest to make Pickles at Hannukah a
thing. For real. He is very excited about this quixotic goal. And
what do pickles and fantasy owner Sean have in common (besides the lack of hair)? They are pretty darn salty! Sean’s team should be much better than 4-6! He has the same exact number of total points
as Robby, who is frickin’ 8-2! Looking
closer, you’ll find Stafford and a stacked WR room but dog shit RBs. Even
in this superflex half-PPR day and age, you can’t have dog shit RBs all
season. That will catch up to ya. ..
Anyhow, good luck to Sean with the pickle thing. At least that will give him something to care
about in December, because it sure as hell won’t be the fantasy football playoffs.
4. Good is Dumb
MCole’s team has been unimpressive, but he’s 7-3 and in 4th
place, nonetheless. While we are all sick
and tired of his constant kvetching, he’s got a right to complain this
year. He’s dealt with more injuries than
anyone else in the league. For
reference, see his league leading 34 transactions! But if
he can hang in there and claim a playoff spot, and a couple of his guys come
back and play, he could be dangerous. OR,
and let’s all hope this is the case, he could get edged out by Mazzle for the
last playoff spot and head to Cabo with Bill Belichick for the holidays.
3. Additional William
Does anyone play better defense than Robby? Year in and year out, nobody can score against
him. It must be some kind of glitch in
the matrix. He’s got the lowest points
against in the league by far. He’s like
the anti-Maine. But he’s 8-2 and in first place with a team that
ain’t half bad. Between Josh Allen,
Jared Goff, Stefon Diggs, Devonte Adams, #1 Dolphins WR Jalen Waddle, a couple
of stud RBs in Jeanty and Bijan, he’s got the guys to win it all. And because he’s almost guaranteed to make
the playoffs at this point, he can make all the right strategic moves to set
himself up for success with good week 16 and 17 matchups. Or he can do what he normally does - ride his
drafted players, do nothing, and hope for the best.
2. Sackbuts
Happy birthday to Mike Frank, who is 69 years young today! Mazel Tov!
Pretzels for everyone! For his birthday, he received the gift of 3
wins in a row. His team has surged to 8-2, and he’s scored 164ish
points in each of the last two weeks. He’s
got problems at TE and QB2, but otherwise he’s got a pretty stacked team. Is it the best? Nope!
Not his birthday after today. But
he’s got a shot at the cup. Am I rooting
for him? You better believe it! Is it because he’s such a swell guy? Or because he’s local and it will be easier
to get him the trophy? I’ll never tell!
1. Falafel
Schmuck.
The Commish
