Week 7 Recap

Recap, Re-schmap. This season has gone from suck, to suck-slightly-less, to blow. Everything that was good and holy fell to pieces over the weekend. Let's try to pick them up a bit, shall we....

The Dane 81.96 Cobra Commander 76.30 Hmmm..anyone think I should have started the Saints Defense instead of the Bears? Just another example of my total ineptitude this season. Just not my year. Though I still has a shot going into Monday night, but the Redskins suck just as much as me. I felt dirty just pulling for them, and needed a Desnyderfication shower when I got home. On the inexplicable winning side, Dane Cook managed to not only win, but win his 3rd game in a row, forcing his way into something resembling contention. 7-7 here he comes!

The Expendables 93.57 Washington Redskins 80.48 Maine is in the win column! Sean renames his team the Redskins, as he loses to a previously winless/witless team! I couldn't be less excited about any of this!

OopsIWittenMyPants 80.12 Dead Kennedys 78.31 Oh the Monday night drama! Now this one actually was a bit exciting, with Steve's Karma finally enjoying a bye week. He throws up a middling 78 score and Falafel is just above average enough to eke past him, thanks to Aaron Rogers and newly acquired Darren Sproles. ... This was also the battle of Defenses with Falafel and DK putting up a 20 and 19 spot, respectively with Indy and the London Pats. .. But at least Steve didn't lose because his starter Eli Manning threw 3 picks in a painful Giants loss. That would have really sucked.

Hump or Death 110.33 Kwan of the Thong 77.22 Don't look now, but Little Brother Cole (LBC) is in 3rd place and for real, with the 2nd highest point total in the league. And he's doing it on the strength of...wait, really? He's doing it on the strength of the Texans crazy offense. The Texans? Really?!? The Texans!!?!! I am so sick of everything this asshole touching turning to gold. That's it. If Tamayo ever comes back, we're kicking LBC out of the league. Seriously, I'm sick of him. Fuck him and his family. He can go fuck himself somewhere else.

Creeping Death 131.71 The Wanstaches 101.57 Speaking of bitter...Hi Robby!!! If it makes you feel any better, you're not the one fucking up your season. The fantasy football gods are just against you this year. Not good times. ... Meanwhile, every time I write something about Bradley being a pretender, he goes and throws up a silly score. Maybe I should start charging him for my taunts....


Til next week, true believers...

- The Commish

Power Rankings

Yes, simpletons, your (mostly) trusty Commish is back. In my 2 week absence, UVA is 2-0 and in the wins column as the only undefeated team in ACC play; the Fins are 1-0 and back in the AFC East race; the Steelers are 2-3 and back tied for first in the AFC Norris; the Gators are luckily 2-0 and back atop the BCS standings; and the Redskins/Lions/Raiders trifecta could not suck more if they tried. As far as this league goes, with the exception of my sorry team and Maine's attempt to lose his Chicken Bone league membership status, everyone is still in the thick of things. Let's break this down, team-by-team with some power rankings:

CLEO LEMON DIVISION:
#10: The Expendables (pronounced Ex-pen-da-blays)
On paper, they don't look too bad. Sure, they're more receiver heavy than DirectTV. And sure, they drafted Greg Camarillo for no reason whatsoever. And sure, they have less depth than a kiddie pool (but weirdly, just as much urine). But they at least had the good sense not to start Mark Sanchez this week. Wow, I think -7.22 points has to be some kind of record. That's about the only thing that's gone right for this team so far though. How long before Maine fires himself as GM and goes after someone from Rotoworld? It's time to shell out the big money for a difference-maker. Time to make a move.

#9: The Cobra Commishes
Injuries. Bad Drafting. Bad Roster Management. More injuries. Inexplicable Matt Forte ineffectiveness. Bad Karma. This team is the perfect storm of incompetence. I can't say enough bad things about what is going on here. And I'm going to have to say what I would say for any other owner - The Commish is done. D-U-N, done. Warrick Dunn. Stick a fork in this team. Not even a reverse jinx going on here. ... I mean, as of this writing, I am down 100 points to my brother. If Jason Cole was alive, he would have never stood for that kind of thing. ... I'll see you folks in this Recap space, on the message board, and at the draft next year. But I'm clearly not showing up on Sundays.


ASPIRING TO MEDIOCRITY:
#8: The Dane!
MFrank moves to 3-3, and couldn't be happier. Average for him is a triumph of the spirit. He has longed for the day when he could go home, kiss his wife and kids, and announce proudly that he has no longer lost more than he has won. Huzzah!! A happy day for MFrank indeed! Drew Brees is the wind beneath his wings, potentially carrying him to a glorious 7-7 record! Huzzah!! Huzzah!!


A HINT OF IMPISHNESS:
#7: Falafel In His Pants
Will go as far as Westbrook and Tomlinson will take him, which is a scary proposition. Falafel has won a few games, but when you see his name on your Matchup for the week, you're not exactly shaking in your boots. He's the Houston Texans of the league. Sure, he can put of the occasional high point total, but wouldn't you rather go up against him than almost anyone? He's just not scaring anyone, and that's no way to win the Chicken Bone Cup.

#6: Brother Cole
The Hated One is still hanging around outside the fringes of the playoff race, but potentially having just enough mojo to make a run. He's got just enough above-average player depth to thrive during the bye weeks and just enough top-shelf talent to put up some big numbers. Here's the problem: Karma. He's just out of it. In the end, his bad Karma is going to catch up to him when it matters most and crush his 3-peat hopes like a grasshopper under his work-boot.

#5: Kosher Sausage King of Reston
As much as I wanted to write Thong's name in this slot, the KSK is clearly inferior to the Thong-man this season. He's relying on an inconsistent Tom Brady, an inconsistent Michael Turner, and an incontinent Larry Johnson. That is not a kosher recipe for long-term success. You can't count him out though; for if he manages to sneak into the playoffs, he'll just need to win 2 in a row. That, he might be able to do, despite his blandness and baldness. (As an aside...Tom F. Brady! .. I mean, damn!)

#4: Mazzle
He's lumped in this section of teams for 2 obvious reasons - 1) His team isn't actually very good. and 2) Even if he holds on to make the playoffs, he'll lose. It's as simple as that really. .. In other news, he had 55 combined point from Bernard Berrian, Big Ben, and Thomas Jones this week. On his bench. So there.


THE CONTENDERS:
#3: The Mighty Wanstaches
He slips to 3-3, with his Colts on a bye week, but Robby is still not to be trifled with. He has the top shelf talent to be scary every week. You can bet that he'll make all the wrong roster moves down the stretch, but there's really no way he can screw up a team this good. Having Peyton Manning and Adrian Peterson will do that for ya. Also on the plus side, he has proven himself capable of ignoring his wife and/or child in favor of football, and living to tell about it. That is new, and it bodes well. Very well.

#2: Thooooooonnnnnnng!
Someone's Thong is on fire! After starting off 0-2 and being left for dead, the Thong-man has ripped off 4 wins in a row and is poised to make a deep impact on this league. (Deep Impact was also, coincidentally, the name of a student "film" Thong, Falafel, and Maine made in college.) Barring a total collapse of the sun, he is poised to make the playoffs for the first time ever. Put the odds of Thong lifting the Chicken Bone Cup at a healthy 4-1.

#1: Steeeeeeeeeve!
Resistance is futile, and persistence wins championships. While there's always the chance he'll make one transaction too many, Steve has scratched and clawed his way up the power rankings. His team is strong and so is his will. No kids to distract him, no condo law he can't procrastinate, no girlfriend he can't sell into prostitution. Steve is officially the team to beat with the means to stay on top. Weird, eh?

- The Commish

Week 4 Recap

Well that's more the hell like it! A festive weekend was had by most, with big wins for the Canes, the Hoos, and the Dolphins. And if my math is correct, exactly 50% of Chicken Bone owners won their fantasy matchups. Which is slightly better than last week. So, good times! Here's how it all went down. Recap away...


Cobra Commander 83.81 The Wanstaches 83.53
We should really just let Robby's Facebook posts speak for themselves:

- Robby Friedman needs AP, MINN defense and Greg Jennings to produce tonight, and big-time. Yesterday at 8:47pm

- Robby Friedman didn't expect to win this week, but was hoping it would have at least been close. This stinks. Yesterday at 9:56pm

- Robby Friedman is about to drop his third round pick if he doesn't get some yards on this drive. Yesterday at 11:04pm

- Robby Friedman says it's 11:15 pm, I am toast for tomorrow, and it is crunch time. I need something, and I need it now! Yesterday at 11:16pm

- Robby Friedman this sucks! Yesterday at 11:44pm

- Robby Friedman I am going to lose because of a meaningless TD. Here we go again. Yesterday at 11:37pm

- Robby Friedman hates FF. Yesterday at 11:50pm

In what's destined to go down as the closest, most gut-wrenching game all season, Robby loses by a 0.28 pubic hair of a margin. His managerial prowess fails him once again, as he leaves about a bajillion RB points on the bench. Best total points in the league and he has the same 2-2 record as the rest of us yahoos. Here's some motivation from your idol that might help calm the open wounds of last night's defeat:

Hump or Death 73.14 The Expendables 48.09
Another craptastic win for BrotherCole, who is undertaking the least exciting double title defense since the '08 Gators basketball team. But a win is a win, and he's at 2-2 with the rest of us yahoos. That's more than we can say for Maine, who is taking irrelevance to a whole new level. (Also, he would have been better off starting a hooker with a Dirty Sanchez than Mark Sanchez on Sunday.) Is it extended jet-lag? Is it being surrounded by too much estrogen in the house for too long? Or is it just general lack of knowledge about sports? Either way, Maine is indeed proving himself to be completely and utterly expendable.


Kwan of the Thong 88.68 OopsIWittenMyPants 66.21
Thong-tha-thong-thong-thong! A big win for the Thong-man over his frenemy Falafel. He gets a huge game from Antonio Gates (of Falafel's hometown of San Diego) to cruise to a 22 point win. He is 2-2 with the rest of us yahoos, and has taken his rightful place at #5 in the league. Meanwhile, Falafel's luck turned for the worse over the weekend with losses from his Chargers and Lions, as well as getting reminded how mediocre his team is.


Creeping Death 108.79 The Dane 80.40
Bradley F Malemezian! Mazzle puts up a huge score and reminds everyone that he is undefeated and in first place for a reason, dammit! He is already well on his way to his birthright of losing in the playoffs. On the crap side of the coin, MFrank is betrayed by his Kicker, Defense, Braylon "0 points, get into a fight that night" Edwards, and Big Fat LenDale White. Other than that, things went fine. And other than that one little incident, Mrs. Lincoln enjoyed the play.


Dead Kennedys 89.77 Kosher Sausage King 69.75
Stevie wins big and sets up a #1 vs #2 showdown with Bradley this coming weekend. (And yes, Steve is a big #2 in the league right now. A HUGE #2, in fact.) Meanwhile, The Sausage King of San Francisco slips to 2-2 with the rest of us yahoos. He got zippy from his highly touted Tennesee Defense, which was surprising considering Albert Haynesworth is anchoring that line. How could they be worse, given that he's still on the team? Go figure....


Enjoy your weeks and gear up for this coming Separation Sunday! (And I don't just mean Ann Harrup's legs!)

Cheers bitches,
- The Commish