Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Week 10 Fake Recap (by Steve)
Ok, so I just remembered Jason asked me to guest host this week's recap.
Apparently he is too busy jerking off an Eskimo in Iceland to do this,
so you're stuck with me. Unfortunately, I didn't pay attention to what
happened this week and am too damn lazy to go back and look at the
scores. Also, I have no idea how to post this to the recap blog so I'll
trust that no one will read this and Jason will figure out a way to get
this on the blog.
So, I almost decided to just skip it, since no one reads this shit anyway. But then I realized that today marks a very special anniversary. No, not the day Travis lost his virginity to a Perkins waitress with three teeth. And, no, not the day I banged his Mom in the backseat of a 1976 Lincoln Continental on the way to a sit-in to protest women's suffrage. Nope...today is the day that one of my favorite Giant coke addicts of all time, Lawrence Taylor, snapped Joe Theismann's leg in half, giving rise to the naming of the Chicken Bone Cup!!! Yes, today my friends, is the day that made all of this possible.
So rather than recap this insanely ridiculous fantasy season in which every player known to man has snapped his Achilles, and in which Robby is running away with this whole friggin thing, I prefer to use this recap as a way to raise a glass to all of you. And to Larry and Joey for collaborating on that wonderful play so many years ago that brought us all together. When you pull that wishbone on Thanksgiving Day and make a wish, please also remember that Tibia/Fibula wishbone that Mr. Taylor broke apart 30 years ago today! And please pray that one of the Strobby brothers will defeat one of the Cole brothers in this year's championship! As that appears to be where this thing is heading, unless Pretzel Boy or Mr. Balding Wondernuts decides to make a late push for the Fourth Seed!
Enjoy your week, Happy Thanksgiving to you all!! And Travis, please remind your Mom to bring the bullwhip and the bottle of Macallen 18 this year to the Christmas Eve Key Party!!
Peace out, fucknuts!
So, I almost decided to just skip it, since no one reads this shit anyway. But then I realized that today marks a very special anniversary. No, not the day Travis lost his virginity to a Perkins waitress with three teeth. And, no, not the day I banged his Mom in the backseat of a 1976 Lincoln Continental on the way to a sit-in to protest women's suffrage. Nope...today is the day that one of my favorite Giant coke addicts of all time, Lawrence Taylor, snapped Joe Theismann's leg in half, giving rise to the naming of the Chicken Bone Cup!!! Yes, today my friends, is the day that made all of this possible.
So rather than recap this insanely ridiculous fantasy season in which every player known to man has snapped his Achilles, and in which Robby is running away with this whole friggin thing, I prefer to use this recap as a way to raise a glass to all of you. And to Larry and Joey for collaborating on that wonderful play so many years ago that brought us all together. When you pull that wishbone on Thanksgiving Day and make a wish, please also remember that Tibia/Fibula wishbone that Mr. Taylor broke apart 30 years ago today! And please pray that one of the Strobby brothers will defeat one of the Cole brothers in this year's championship! As that appears to be where this thing is heading, unless Pretzel Boy or Mr. Balding Wondernuts decides to make a late push for the Fourth Seed!
Enjoy your week, Happy Thanksgiving to you all!! And Travis, please remind your Mom to bring the bullwhip and the bottle of Macallen 18 this year to the Christmas Eve Key Party!!
Peace out, fucknuts!
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Week 8 - Power Rankings
Hi folks,
Let's do something different this week. How about some power rankings? (I'll remind you to pay close attention to these, as I occasionally get it right.)
10. Darth Falafel
He's in a complete free fall, having lost 5 in a row. He's got a paper thin roster behind an underachieving Aaron Rodgers. And in a must win week, he pinned all his hopes on Tedd Ginn and Ted Ginn's family. Enough said.
9. Frantic
Bradley's team is a total shit-show. Total. Shit. Show. Seriously, look at that mangled, deformed thing he calls a roster. He's going to have to bust his ass not to be next year's Auction Bitch.
8. House Thong
In recent weeks, Thong has gone from totally incompetent to merely lousy. At 2-6, you can still write him off, but he has a chance to play spoiler during the last six weeks, as he attempts to earn a spot in the consolation bracket. Those jean shorts are still achievable dude! Live your dream!
7. Fargo Woodchippers
Wow, that was a bad week. Not only did he lose to a team only scoring 75 points, but he also lost Le'Veon Bell for the season. The only reason Mike Frank is ranked this high, is that he's 4-4 and destined to finish 7-7 no matter what he does. He should change his team name to "Mediocre Inertia."
6. Sausage King &
Sean lost this week despite getting 7 TDs and 45 points out of Brees. If that isn't an indictment of the rest of his roster, I'm not sure what is. After 3 straight losses, it looks like his title defense is going the way of his hair.
5. Bacon on Chainwax
OK, now we move into the Varsity part of the rankings, where the teams have a chance in hell of winning it all. And after 2 wins in a row, "Chance-in-hell" is Maine's middle name. His roster is looking kinda feisty right now, with Kelce as a high-end TE, Charcandrick running like the real deal, Oakland's passing game looking legit, and two viable quarterbacks to incorrectly choose from on a weekly basis. Don't sleep on Maine.
4. European Swallows
Sure, he only scored 75 points this week. But he's still 5-3 and has a lot of players on the upswing, including one Antonio Brown who is about to go off. He's got some depth on that bad boy too. No telling what he might do down the stretch.
3. Officer Octagon
Not sure what I really have with this squad. Sure I have the most points scored in the league so far, but it's all seems like it's teetering on the edge of disaster every week. I just have a bad feeling about this....
2. Soy un Steve
Looking like the team to beat a couple weeks ago, Steve has lost Arian Foster and Steve Smith to season-ending injuries. He's still got a formidable roster, just not as much depth to spare. Also, he's liable to make all the wrong pitching decisions and lose most of his games in the 9th inning. (Disclaimer: some of these statements may apply only to the New York Mets.)
1. Winnebago Man
And here is your number one team in the power rankings. The Brady to Gronk combo is devastating. Adrian Peterson is looking like his old self. Jarvis Landry is a PPR monster. Doug Martin is looking rejuvenated. And there are no more coaches of his teams left to fire. So there you go....Robby (Robby!) is officially the team to beat.
- The Commish
Let's do something different this week. How about some power rankings? (I'll remind you to pay close attention to these, as I occasionally get it right.)
10. Darth Falafel
He's in a complete free fall, having lost 5 in a row. He's got a paper thin roster behind an underachieving Aaron Rodgers. And in a must win week, he pinned all his hopes on Tedd Ginn and Ted Ginn's family. Enough said.
9. Frantic
Bradley's team is a total shit-show. Total. Shit. Show. Seriously, look at that mangled, deformed thing he calls a roster. He's going to have to bust his ass not to be next year's Auction Bitch.
8. House Thong
In recent weeks, Thong has gone from totally incompetent to merely lousy. At 2-6, you can still write him off, but he has a chance to play spoiler during the last six weeks, as he attempts to earn a spot in the consolation bracket. Those jean shorts are still achievable dude! Live your dream!
7. Fargo Woodchippers
Wow, that was a bad week. Not only did he lose to a team only scoring 75 points, but he also lost Le'Veon Bell for the season. The only reason Mike Frank is ranked this high, is that he's 4-4 and destined to finish 7-7 no matter what he does. He should change his team name to "Mediocre Inertia."
6. Sausage King &
Sean lost this week despite getting 7 TDs and 45 points out of Brees. If that isn't an indictment of the rest of his roster, I'm not sure what is. After 3 straight losses, it looks like his title defense is going the way of his hair.
5. Bacon on Chainwax
OK, now we move into the Varsity part of the rankings, where the teams have a chance in hell of winning it all. And after 2 wins in a row, "Chance-in-hell" is Maine's middle name. His roster is looking kinda feisty right now, with Kelce as a high-end TE, Charcandrick running like the real deal, Oakland's passing game looking legit, and two viable quarterbacks to incorrectly choose from on a weekly basis. Don't sleep on Maine.
4. European Swallows
Sure, he only scored 75 points this week. But he's still 5-3 and has a lot of players on the upswing, including one Antonio Brown who is about to go off. He's got some depth on that bad boy too. No telling what he might do down the stretch.
3. Officer Octagon
Not sure what I really have with this squad. Sure I have the most points scored in the league so far, but it's all seems like it's teetering on the edge of disaster every week. I just have a bad feeling about this....
2. Soy un Steve
Looking like the team to beat a couple weeks ago, Steve has lost Arian Foster and Steve Smith to season-ending injuries. He's still got a formidable roster, just not as much depth to spare. Also, he's liable to make all the wrong pitching decisions and lose most of his games in the 9th inning. (Disclaimer: some of these statements may apply only to the New York Mets.)
1. Winnebago Man
And here is your number one team in the power rankings. The Brady to Gronk combo is devastating. Adrian Peterson is looking like his old self. Jarvis Landry is a PPR monster. Doug Martin is looking rejuvenated. And there are no more coaches of his teams left to fire. So there you go....Robby (Robby!) is officially the team to beat.
- The Commish
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