Howdy folks!
If you've come for a recap, you've come to the wrong place! Just go back to Yahoo and look at the damn website for that. It's all right there. Seriously. Just click around. Also, you might want to change your password while you're over there.
Time for another edition of Rambling and Borderline Incoherent Thoughts from the Commissioner (TM).
- Mike Cole is in first place and undefeated, despite his obvious handicaps. Boo? Are we still outraged by this sort of thing? Speaking of outrage, Michael also participated in several riots in Charlotte over the past two weeks, with the protest leaders calling him, "one righteous dude."
- I'm 1-2, with the second most points in the league and the second most points against in the league. But it could be worse.
- Richard "Worse" Spady is following up his 2015 Auction Bitch campaign with another stinker. The man with the Thong can't buy a win. He's 0-3, with the least points in the league and the most points against. It's almost like he has two kids under 5 at home and can't fully concentrate on fantasy football. However...
- Sausage Party Sean won the title two years ago under similar toddler circumstances, so that's not really an excuse. Speaking of excuses Sean, WHERE THE HELL IS MY TROPHY? IT'S BEEN 17 YEARS SINCE YOU WON THE TITLE AND YET YOU STILL WON'T GIVE IT UP!!! WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?!?!?! AM I GOING TO HAVE TO PRY IT OUT OF YOUR COLD DEAD HANDS? I WANT MY TROPHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Bradley had a rather unfortunate weekend, as he traveled to Knoxville to watch, in-person, the Gators blow a 21-0 lead to Tennessee. His fantasy team also blew a big lead to Sean, who didn't deserve it.
- Strobby is still in the league, in 5th/6th place. They pretty much have the same team. Can we finally just combine these two assholes?
- Something, something, something...Mike Frank...something, something...
- Falafel is at 0-3 and giving Rich a run for his money. Must have been those gummy bears.
- The new show Designated Survivor makes me realize that it's probably for the best that we've never had all 10 of us at a draft at the same time. That way, if the terrorists bomb draft weekend, the continuity of the Chicken Bone can be assured. I'm looking at you Maine!
That's all I got!
- The Commish
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Week 1 Recap
Hi everyone!
Some random thoughts before we dive into the first recap of what's shaping up to be a loooonnng season...
- Lots of pretty high scores. Feels like the first first week in forever that everything went pretty much as planned. Most of the fantasy studs did studly things, no big NFL upsets, there was an ACL tear which always happens to somebody in week 1, the Dolphins blew a winnable game, Rich is in last place, etc.. Been there, done that, got the "I'm With Stupid" T-Shirt.
- There are a lot of team names having to do with food, especially pork.
- Recaps will be as unreliable as usual this year, perhaps even more so. I got a UK trip in Mid-October, and a giant Work Thing due in mid-November. We'll see how it goes...
- Robby has already dropped Ted Ginn Jr., but retains rights to his family.
- I'm a pretty calm, patient guy by nature, but if I don't get my trophy soon, Sean, I AM GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Onto the recap you've been waiting for with baited breath (And for Steve, with "bated" breath)....
129.13 Baron von Bratwurst 0-1-0 | 6th
145.28 You Like Bacon! 1-0-0 | 2nd
Maine got nothing from his tight end or kicker or defense, and he put up 145 with one J.Charles tied behind his back. His team is looking mighty flush in the early going. Could this finally be the year Maine breaks through? .. Speaking of breaks, I'm pouring one out for Keenan Allen. We had one and a half glorious quarters together, but we really developed a bond during that hour in early September. I'm gonna miss that guy....
117.85 Rogue Falafel 0-1-0 | 7th
119.80 Venezuela Taco Stand 1-0-0 | 3rd
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...this was a fun one! Matthew Stafford goes nuts to beat the Colts, and Falafel can't even enjoy it. The Rams Defense was horrible last night, and it adds up to a two point loss to his arch-nemesis Steve. (Side note: I'm not sure if Steve and Travis are actually arch-nemeses, but I feel they absolutely should be. This is a story line I'm going to promote this year. Me and the rest of the writers' room are confident about this direction.) Thanks to Stafford and a very consistent, balanced effort with the rest of his lineup, Steve pulled out the win and then pulled out of Travis's mom in order to better bask in the glory of a Week 1 win. Venezuela Taco Stand indeed!!!
167.38 Dead Salmon 1-0-0 | 1st
108.38 Sausage Party King 0-1-0 | 9th
This one was an old fashioned ass whooping. Karma for not delivering the Chicken Bone Cup on time? Perhaps! ... Mike Cole vaults into first place and attempts to re-assert his former dominance over the league. Will it last? Stay tuned! Or don't! I don't give a shit!
115.45 Aces! 1-0-0 | 5th
88.18 Straight Outta Thong 0-1-0 | 10th
Have we ever had a back-to-back Auction Bitch before? Has Mike Frank ever made the playoffs three years in a row? Have we ever cared about the outcome of a matchup between these two? Spoiler Alert: The answer to all of these questions are NO.
116.95 Cyanide 1-0-0 | 4th
111.38 Winnebago Man 0-1-0 | 8th
In another squeaker, Mazzle edges out Robby for the final win of the week. Todd Gurley is now officially on the trade block. Robby is now fielding offers down on the street corner. He's also willing to listen to Gurley trade ideas.
Peace Out!
- The Commish
Some random thoughts before we dive into the first recap of what's shaping up to be a loooonnng season...
- Lots of pretty high scores. Feels like the first first week in forever that everything went pretty much as planned. Most of the fantasy studs did studly things, no big NFL upsets, there was an ACL tear which always happens to somebody in week 1, the Dolphins blew a winnable game, Rich is in last place, etc.. Been there, done that, got the "I'm With Stupid" T-Shirt.
- There are a lot of team names having to do with food, especially pork.
- Recaps will be as unreliable as usual this year, perhaps even more so. I got a UK trip in Mid-October, and a giant Work Thing due in mid-November. We'll see how it goes...
- Robby has already dropped Ted Ginn Jr., but retains rights to his family.
- I'm a pretty calm, patient guy by nature, but if I don't get my trophy soon, Sean, I AM GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Onto the recap you've been waiting for with baited breath (And for Steve, with "bated" breath)....
129.13 Baron von Bratwurst 0-1-0 | 6th
145.28 You Like Bacon! 1-0-0 | 2nd
Maine got nothing from his tight end or kicker or defense, and he put up 145 with one J.Charles tied behind his back. His team is looking mighty flush in the early going. Could this finally be the year Maine breaks through? .. Speaking of breaks, I'm pouring one out for Keenan Allen. We had one and a half glorious quarters together, but we really developed a bond during that hour in early September. I'm gonna miss that guy....
117.85 Rogue Falafel 0-1-0 | 7th
119.80 Venezuela Taco Stand 1-0-0 | 3rd
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...this was a fun one! Matthew Stafford goes nuts to beat the Colts, and Falafel can't even enjoy it. The Rams Defense was horrible last night, and it adds up to a two point loss to his arch-nemesis Steve. (Side note: I'm not sure if Steve and Travis are actually arch-nemeses, but I feel they absolutely should be. This is a story line I'm going to promote this year. Me and the rest of the writers' room are confident about this direction.) Thanks to Stafford and a very consistent, balanced effort with the rest of his lineup, Steve pulled out the win and then pulled out of Travis's mom in order to better bask in the glory of a Week 1 win. Venezuela Taco Stand indeed!!!
167.38 Dead Salmon 1-0-0 | 1st
108.38 Sausage Party King 0-1-0 | 9th
This one was an old fashioned ass whooping. Karma for not delivering the Chicken Bone Cup on time? Perhaps! ... Mike Cole vaults into first place and attempts to re-assert his former dominance over the league. Will it last? Stay tuned! Or don't! I don't give a shit!
115.45 Aces! 1-0-0 | 5th
88.18 Straight Outta Thong 0-1-0 | 10th
Have we ever had a back-to-back Auction Bitch before? Has Mike Frank ever made the playoffs three years in a row? Have we ever cared about the outcome of a matchup between these two? Spoiler Alert: The answer to all of these questions are NO.
116.95 Cyanide 1-0-0 | 4th
111.38 Winnebago Man 0-1-0 | 8th
In another squeaker, Mazzle edges out Robby for the final win of the week. Todd Gurley is now officially on the trade block. Robby is now fielding offers down on the street corner. He's also willing to listen to Gurley trade ideas.
Peace Out!
- The Commish
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