Chicken Bowl Preview and Year End Awards

Hey gang,

It’s been another festive season of fantasy football and for two once and future champions, it all comes down to this.  Mazzle vs Falafel in Chicken Bowl XVIII.  Let’s break this down, tale-of-the-tape-style….

Quarterback.  While Tannehill has been a revelation for Mazzle and the Titans the last two months, and they may have to throw to beat the Saints, there’s no way I’m picking him over Russell Wilson with the season on the line.  I’ve seen too much of Tannehill in my life to trust that shit.  There’s a chance the Seahawks go up big over the Cardinals and Russ won’t have to throw much, but with an over/under of 50 as well, there will be points to be had.   Advantage Falafel.

Running Back.  You’d think this would be a slam dunk for Falafel, but not so fast my friends.  Zeke and CMcC both have tough matchups on the road, and there’s no telling which San Diego running back is going to pop.  Meanwhile, Mazzle gets Barkley at the Deadskins in a game both teams want to lose.  He also gets Derek Henry who Tennessee will feed to try to keep the Saints offense off the field.  And he has a red-hot Kenyon Drake in the flex spot against a Seattle team that you can run on.  I wouldn’t of thunk it, but Advantage Mazzle.

Wide Receiver.  At first, I thought “This is some rough stuff.  Can I just give advantage to Defensive Backs?”  But really, there’s a big Falafel Advantage here.  Locket has been a stud, Boyd isn’t great (and isn’t Green) but is playing against Dolphins pitiful secondary, and Anthony Miller will probably be a target hog with Gabriel concussed and the Bears having to throw against the Chiefs.  He could even choose to roll out something called Chark against the Flacons’ weak-ass secondary.  Meanwhile, Mazzle gets to choose between basic bitch John Brown at New England in December, “I might have gotten hurt while Jason was typing this sentence” Jamison Crowder against the Steelers great defense, a Fool’s Golden Tate, somebody named Greg Ward, somebody named Zach Pascal, somebody named Andre Thompson, somebody named Dionte Johnson.  That’s not very good at all.  Especially since I made one of those receivers up and you didn’t even notice. 

Tight End.  Now we’re talking!  The best two Tight Ends this year – Kittle for Falafel, and Kelce for Mazzle.  These guys are both unstoppable studs, so there’s no wrong answer here.  Advantage: Even

Kicker.  Who gives a fuck? 

Defense.  Nothing to write home about.  Falafel has the Bills and it’s hard to like any defense at New England.  Even when the Pats don’t score much, Brady doesn’t get sacked or turn the ball over.  So Advantage Mazzle having the Seattle Defense at home, which occasionally still means something. #12thMan?

Miscellaneous:  Mazzle is relying on both Henry and Tannehill for Tennessee, which will cap his scoring potential.  He also has Drake going against his Seattle Defense, which also could hurt.  Lastly, as a Gator, he secretly wishes he could be playing for the jean shorts instead of the chicken bone cup, so I'm not sure his heart is in it.  Advantage Falafel.

Karma:  On general principle, Advantage Mazzle.

Prediction:  Pain!

Real Prediction:  It may be closer than the pundits are saying, but the winner of Chicken Bowl XVIII will be Falafel by about 15 points.  149.19-134.37

And now it’s time for a few year-end awards:

Best Draft:  Falafel

Worst Draft Ever: Commish

Best Team Name:  Extra Billy

Worst Team Name: Rabbit of Caebannog

Worst Semi-Finals Performance: Sean.  Not only did he lose in this league, but in his other league he couldn’t even beat a 9-year old in the playoffs!!!  (Really.)  Though in Sean’s defense, Ben will be turning 10 this weekend…

Baldest:  In an upset, Maine.

Best Trade:  Barkley for Thomas.  Helped keep me from being auction bitch and helped Mazzle make the final. 

Worst Trade:  Todd Gurley, Sammy Watkins, and Phillip Dorsett for Alvin Kamara.  I forgot this even happened and I’m too far gone in this post to even analyze who won it.  I’m guessing not Robby.

Extra Auction Bitch: Robby

Best Draft Pick: Maine, Lamar Jackson ($4)

Worst Draft Pick: tie. Mazzle, David Johnson ($48), Commish, Saquon Barkley ($60)

Mr. Irrelevant:  tie. Thong, MFrank

Worst Last Season:  Steve

Poster of the Year:  Our once and future overlord, Falafel.

Happy Holidays to all and to all a good night!!!

               

Peace, love, and chicken grease,

- The Commish

Playoff Semi-Finals Recap

Howdy folks,

So this happened…

Bacon v. Falafel

Good lord, that was a lot of playoff points scored by Travis.  More points than UVA’s basketball team has scored in all games combined this season.  More points than a motherfuckin porcupine!  In short, the most points scored in a playoff game in the long history of the league.   Travis not only had his studs play like studs, but he also made almost all the right manager moves – benching Gordon, picking up Anthony Miller and starting him, playing the Buffalo Defense, etc.  (He could have played Samuel over Boyd for another 9 points, but that’s nitpicking.) 

Maine pretty much maxed out his roster.  It was a good run.  Sure it hurt to lose Cook at halftime and Diggs/Jacobs didn’t do much.  But there was no keeping up with Travis on this day. 

It’s onto the Finals for Falafel, where he doesn’t stand a chance.  Really.  He blew his wad in the semis, and the last thing you want is to get all excited and only have a semi to show for it.  I predict a disaster for him - a week of agonizing over starting lineup decisions, only to make all the wrong choices.

Mazzle v. Sausage

In the undercard matchup, it was Brad who gutted out a tough win over Sean.  Saquon Barkley finally paid dividends for him, exactly as planned (that trade for Thomas turned out to be a rare win-win).  Throw in a big game out of Kelce, a make- it-count single long TD catch from Golden Tate, and 3-TD game from Ryan Effing Tannehill of all people…and it all adds up to 132 points and a huge playoff win.   (Sure he left Kenyon Drake and his 39 points on the bench, but bygones...)  

Meanwhile, when Sean spent Sunday morning deciding between starting Cohen or Michel, he already pretty much already was dead in the water.  His loss guarantees that the Chicken Bone Cup will leave Fairfax, Virginia for the first time in 6(!) years.  Travel well Cup, we shall miss thee!!!

So it’s onto the finals for Bradley “Chuck” Mazzlemuzzle.  He might be doing it with smoke and mirrors, but he’s our only hope. 

Jean Shorts Update
I crushed Thong and I'll play someone named Mike for the shorts.  That's all the recap that these games deserve.

Coming later this week…a finals preview, year-end awards, your mom. 

Cheers,

The Commish

Week 13 Recap and Playoff Scenarios

Howdy folks,

It’s busier around here than Falafel’s mom during fleet week, so not much time for recapping these days.  But with the playoffs imminent, let’s check things out around here and see what’s what…

Mathematically In

Falafel and Mazzle have both clinched playoff berths but are trending in opposite directions.  Falafel – once thought by everyone but me to be unstoppable – has lost 3 in a row; meanwhile Mazzle has won 3 in a row.  For the record, Mazzle would also get 3 in a row before Falafel in a hypothetical game of Tic-Tac-Toe.  Every time.  With no ties. 

Practically In

Maine lost this past week after Thong Woked up to the tune of 162 points.  However, Maine still glides into the playoffs with too many total points to realistically get caught, regardless of what happens in Week 14.   Also, he will be cutting Mecole Hardman this week because seriously.

The Ringo Spot

Thong has to win, Sausage has to lose, and Thong has to outscore Sausage by 31.29 for Thong to make the playoffs.  If one of those three things don’t happen then Sausage is the 4th team in.  And given that Sausage plays MCole and Thong plays Falafel in Week 14, I think we know where to place our bets…

The Also-Rans

Mike Frank is eliminated at 6-7 and will fulfill his destiny by winning this week to finish 7-7.  Regression to the mean is a bitch, but having the cup was fun while it lasted. 

Meanwhile, your trusty Commish has somehow won 3 in a row, but it’s too little too motherfucking late.  MCole is still technically in this league, but you wouldn’t really know it.  The Brothers Cole are both 5-8 and should be ashamed of themselves.  At least they’re not going to be Auction Bitch.

Auction Bitches

Well, this is fitting.  Steve.  Robby.  Week 14 for all the marbles.  A pair of 4-9 teams.  Strobby Bowl XXVII, AKA “Auction Bitch Bowl.”  The winner goes onto 9^th place glory, while the loser finishes last and well...you know…

Hope everyone had an excellent Thanksgiving and is lubing up their chimneys for a Merry Christmas season.  Good luck to all in the last week of the regular season…

Cheers,

-          The Commish