Hey gang,
It’s been another festive season of fantasy football and for
two once and future champions, it all comes down to this. Mazzle vs Falafel in Chicken Bowl XVIII. Let’s break this down, tale-of-the-tape-style….
Quarterback. While
Tannehill has been a revelation for Mazzle and the Titans the last two months, and
they may have to throw to beat the Saints, there’s no way I’m picking him over
Russell Wilson with the season on the line. I’ve seen too much of Tannehill in my life to
trust that shit. There’s a chance the
Seahawks go up big over the Cardinals and Russ won’t have to throw much, but
with an over/under of 50 as well, there will be points to be had. Advantage
Falafel.
Running Back. You’d
think this would be a slam dunk for Falafel, but not so fast my friends. Zeke and CMcC both have tough matchups on the
road, and there’s no telling which San Diego running back is going to pop. Meanwhile, Mazzle gets Barkley at the
Deadskins in a game both teams want to lose.
He also gets Derek Henry who Tennessee will feed to try to keep the Saints
offense off the field. And he has a
red-hot Kenyon Drake in the flex spot against a Seattle team that you can run
on. I wouldn’t of thunk it, but Advantage
Mazzle.
Wide Receiver.
At first, I thought “This is some rough stuff. Can I just give advantage to Defensive Backs?” But really, there’s a big Falafel
Advantage here. Locket has been a
stud, Boyd isn’t great (and isn’t Green) but is playing against Dolphins
pitiful secondary, and Anthony Miller will probably be a target hog with
Gabriel concussed and the Bears having to throw against the Chiefs. He could even choose to roll out something
called Chark against the Flacons’ weak-ass secondary. Meanwhile, Mazzle gets to choose between basic
bitch John Brown at New England in December, “I might have gotten hurt while
Jason was typing this sentence” Jamison Crowder against the Steelers great
defense, a Fool’s Golden Tate, somebody named Greg Ward, somebody named Zach
Pascal, somebody named Andre Thompson, somebody named Dionte Johnson. That’s not very good at all. Especially since I made one of those
receivers up and you didn’t even notice.
Tight End. Now
we’re talking! The best two Tight Ends
this year – Kittle for Falafel, and Kelce for Mazzle. These guys are both unstoppable studs, so
there’s no wrong answer here. Advantage:
Even
Kicker. Who
gives a fuck?
Defense. Nothing to write home about. Falafel has the Bills and it’s hard to like
any defense at New England. Even when the
Pats don’t score much, Brady doesn’t get sacked or turn the ball over. So Advantage Mazzle having the Seattle
Defense at home, which occasionally still means something. #12thMan?
Miscellaneous:
Mazzle is relying on both Henry and Tannehill for Tennessee, which will
cap his scoring potential. He also has Drake
going against his Seattle Defense, which also could hurt. Lastly, as a Gator, he secretly wishes he
could be playing for the jean shorts instead of the chicken bone cup, so I'm not sure his heart is in it. Advantage Falafel.
Karma: On
general principle, Advantage Mazzle.
Prediction:
Pain!
Real Prediction:
It may be closer than the pundits are saying, but the winner of Chicken
Bowl XVIII will be Falafel by about 15 points. 149.19-134.37
And now it’s time for a few year-end awards:
Best Draft:
Falafel
Worst Draft Ever: Commish
Best Team Name: Extra Billy
Worst Team Name: Rabbit of Caebannog
Worst Semi-Finals Performance: Sean. Not only did he lose in this league, but in
his other league he couldn’t even beat a 9-year old in the playoffs!!! (Really.)
Though in Sean’s defense, Ben will be turning 10 this weekend…
Baldest: In an
upset, Maine.
Best Trade: Barkley
for Thomas. Helped keep me from being
auction bitch and helped Mazzle make the final.
Worst Trade: Todd
Gurley, Sammy Watkins, and Phillip Dorsett for Alvin Kamara. I forgot this even happened and I’m too far
gone in this post to even analyze who won it.
I’m guessing not Robby.
Extra Auction Bitch: Robby
Best Draft Pick: Maine, Lamar Jackson ($4)
Worst Draft Pick: tie. Mazzle, David Johnson ($48),
Commish, Saquon Barkley ($60)
Mr. Irrelevant:
tie. Thong, MFrank
Worst Last Season:
Steve
Poster of the Year:
Our once and future overlord, Falafel.
Happy Holidays to all and to all a good night!!!
Peace, love, and chicken grease,
- The Commish
