Contractually Obligated Week 6 Recap

Guten Tag!

As my contract (and Brad) states, I apparently need to write a recap this week after my win.  So even though I'm frickin Germany right now and still jetlagged, here you fuckers go....

- Yeah, my Braves shit the bed, but the playoffs are a crapshoot and we were riddled with injuries.  Who the hell had Phillies/Padres in their NLCS pool anyhow?

- Speaking of pools, I'm in this weird pool where I had to pick 7 teams not to make the NFL playoffs.  I figured the Giants were a sure thing and were easily the first team I put down.  So even though they're somehow 5-1, I'm looking forward to them tanking the rest of the way and me still being right.  That's all.  

- So I actually found the Dolphins/Vikings game being broadcast in German in my hotel room in Frankfurt.  I tell ya, just when I thought this month couldn't get any worse, I had to watch the Fins get their 3rd string QB injured and lose in German.   That might be the very definition of sadness.

- These were the German announcers, and they were much less excitable than American announcers.....

- And this stereotype was just looking up highlights on twitter during timeouts.....

- Watching a foreign broadcast football game was an experience man.  It was 90% German,  5% player names, and 5% football terms/expressions in English that apparently don't translate well (e.g. "Quarterback", "Head Coach", "Play Caller", "Pass Rush", "Offensive Line," etc.) 

- In fantasy news, I am also not doing any research, but I agree with the Insufferable Falafel's opinion that there are fewer stud players than ever.  It's a sea of crap out there and this week's scores show it - half the league couldn't even crack 102 points.  And this is before the big bye weeks.  Let's do a quick recap, shall we?

119.90 Polemarch 4-2-0 | 3rd --- 80.03 Sausage Factory 2-4-0 | 9th

Thanks mostly to three Bills players, your trusty Commish beat up on a fading Sausage, whose team only scored 2 total TDs in putting up an 80 spot.  I finally even managed to get some production out of my TE slot, when I threw my hands up and said, "Fuck it, how about I just start another Bills player?"  It seems to be working, but I hate myself for rooting for the Bills this much, and I feel a comeuppance in my future (beyond just the byes this week).

116.20 Scotch & Thong 3-3-0 | 5th  --- 109.54 Old Dirty Bacon 2-4-0 | 7th 

Guess who's back?

Back again

Spady's back

Tell a friend

Guess who's back? Guess who's back?

Guess who's back? Guess who's back?

Guess who's back? Guess who's back?

Guess who's back?

With his third win in four weeks, Thong has climbed from Auction Bitch 10th to Jean Shorts 5th in the standings.  This time he edged out Senior Bacon, who has lost 4 in a row and is heading the opposite direction.  Thong also had a big week from a Bills player (Diggs) and good efforts from his other position players not names Melvin. And he won even though he would've been better off starting Travis's mom's jockey on Defense instead of Jacksonville. .. Meanwhile, Maine gets Nuk Hopkins back this week and not a moment too soon.  He still has false hope.

137.47 Extra Billy 4-2-0 | 4th --- 80.39 The Four Horsemen 1-5-0 | 10th

Quietly, Robby has scored the 3rd most points in the league, is in playoff position, and still has all $100 FAAB to his name.  The Burrow to Chase connection is strong, son.  Don't sleep on Humberto.  ... You know you you can sleep on?  Mazzle?  Yucky!  His running back law firm of Jonathan, Josh, and James were all hurt or on bye, leaving him higher and drier than yadda yadda yadda someone's mom yadda yadda.  He had to pick up the corpse of Tevin Coleman just to have a starting lineup.  And not that it would have helped much, but he also chased fools gold in Taysom Hill and sat a healthy Kyle Pitts.  

106.74 Jamie Tartt's Better Than You 5-1-0 | 1st --- 86.00 Moskowitz Syndicate 4-2-0 | 2nd 

Enough already said 'bout this one.  The Insufferable Falafel wins again.  Frank Pretzels loses but is still sitting pretty so far.

101.73 Senior Deacon Blues  2-4-0 | 8th --- 99.06 Candygram for Mongo 3-3-0 | 6th 

Stevie continues his march out of the basement with his second win in a row, this one a very narrow victory over MCole.  This was the difference - Michael had both his TEs on bye, looked at all the TEs on the waiver wire, analyzed it for 3 days, poured over the game logs and statistics, and then picked the wrong fucking one.  Almost any other guy he was looking at besides Hurst would have won it for him.  Hurst is Wurst.  

That's all I got and that's plenty.

Auf Wiedersehen,

-The Commish  

Week 5 Recap and Early Power Ranking

Hello shitasses!

What a weird NFL season....  I don't know where to start.  It seems like almost everybody is awful.  The 'Ders are awful and 1-4.  The Lions are awful and 1-4.  The Steelers are awful and 1-4.  The Giants are also awful, but somehow 4-1.   The Bills and Ravens are both great, but somehow the Dolphins beat them both.  The DOLPHINS.....UGHHHHHHHHH.  I CAN'T EVEN PEOPLE.  WHY CAN'T WE HAVE NICE THINGS?!?!

Also, streaming Thursday Night Football on Amazon is a bunch of bullshit.

Fantasy-wise, it seems like it's the worst year for Running Backs I've ever seen.  Nobody is putting up consistent numbers  It's a barren wasteland of committees, injuries, underperformances, and bad offenses.  These guys are bigger bums than the...wait for it....New York Mets!!! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  (Too soon, Steve?)

OK, enough of all that...let's see what's happening around here....onto the Recap...

Mongo (MCole) 121.64 - Billy (Robby) 121.60

WOW!  In what is bound to go down as the game of the year, MCole beat Robby by a mere .04 points.  This one came down to the very end of Monday Night Football and went back and forth more than a stallion with Travis's mom.  

And in a verrrrry strange confluence of events, MCole is juuuust ahead of Robby for a playoff spot in the standings by almost the same margin (.03) with almost the same digits (591.64-591.61).  It's shit like that makes me wonder if we're living in a computer simulation.

Anyhow, I'm sure my brother is smiling this morning...

Polemarch (Commish) 163 - Horsemen (Mazzle) 136

So with Dalton Schultz "healthy," l cut Taysom Hill, Mazzle picks him up and he proceeds to outscore me 34.83 - 00.00 at the "Tight End" position.  Thanks Schultzy!  Also going out early with injuries for me were Penny (broken leg) and Olave (concussed into oblivion).  But two BOMBS from Josh Allen to Gabe Davis did a lot in a hurry for me, and it was off to the races with my other guys for one week at least.  .. Meanwhile, Mazzle would have been better starting a sketchy guy in a hot dog costume on Defense instead of the Dolphins.

Deacon (Steve) 105 - Bacon (Maine) 93

After a hot start Maine loses his third in a row after getting jack-all from anyone not named Christian McCaffrey.  (Side note...."Jack-all" is a funny expression...what does it even mean?  Travis, can you shed some light?)  Lockett, KHunt, and M Carter all had good games...maybe Maine can think about trading for those dudes....

Meanwhile, the Giants come back over the Packers and his fantasy team comes back over Maine, yet this Steve guy is just never happy!  Steve gets off the schneid and rides Justin Jefferson and Mark Andrews to his first win of the season.  And as plus, he can see the future, so he's got that going for him....

Tartt (Falafel) 139 - Scotch (Thong) 131

In what would have been the Game of the Week, Travis edged his old buddy Rich, just like old times.  He also beat him in fantasy football.  If you're wondering where the fantasy running backs went, apparently Travis has them all.  Henry!  Cook!  Stevenson!  Damn!  But at the end of the day, it was the kicker position that made the difference.  Rich started the Atlanta kicker Koo on the road against Tampa Bay.  And Travis started Justin Effing Tucker.  

Moskowitz (MFrank) 128 - Sausage (Sean) 89

Mike Frank is on a roll.  Like his beloved Giants, he's 4-1 and like said Giants, it's Saquon Barkley leading the way for him.  Thanks Barkley, Chubb, and an overall balanced team effort, he easily trounced Sean this week.  There is nothing interesting at all to say about Sean's team, so instead, here is an actual picture of Sean and Robert Plant:

And now for a quickie power ranking without comment.  Draw your own conclusions.

10. Mazzle.  

9. Steve.

8. Sausage. 

7. Robby?

6. Thong.

5. Commish.

4. Maine.

3. MCole.

2.  Falafel.

1. MFrank!!!

Toodles,

- The Commish