Howdy folks!!!
It’s the last day of September, and what a month it was. It started with us waking up in Denver and ended with a wild weekend of triumph (e.g. UVA, Commish, Dolphins) and agony (e.g. Mets, Falafel, Dolphins). In between, we dove headfirst into the wonderful world of Superflex play (is it too late to change the rules back?). Let’s recap and power rank this bitch…
10. Steve-O
Number 10 in your program and number 1 in your heart…. it’s your unfriendly neighborhood Steeeeeeve! Reclaiming his rightful place in the standings, it’s been a rough start to the season for his team. He tried for a new and improved and patient draft strategy of bidding exactly 27 dollars on every player, and it has failed spectacularly. Mediocrity and injures abound. All of his hopes and dreams are pinned on the emergence of Tits McMillan. Godspeed Steve. Godspeed.
9. Thong
He’s somehow 2-2, but woof….Thong’s “team” is on the struggle bus. He’s got the 2nd fewest points scored in the league so far. Some might say losing his big ticket purchase, Cee Deez Nutz Lamb, to an ankle injury has been the thing to hurt his cause. Or perhaps it’s because AJ Brown has been underperforming and is currently disgruntled. Or maybe because it’s because he’s starting somebody named Elic Ayomanor (which sounds like a venereal disease Mike Frank had in the 90s). But in reality, it’s all because when we drafted, Thong was severely hung over. Not from drink or drug, but from the insane nonsense of the Meow Wolf Convergence Station in Denver. That place still haunts his dreams.
8. Maine
This is maybe the most Maine start to a season that Maine has ever Mained. He has a decent enough team, but he’s 0-4 with the 2nd most points scored against him in the league. The last 3 weeks, he’s scored 138, 137, and 132 points and lost each time. Sure, losing Joe Burrow while still owning Tee Higgins has been a major blow. But man, what fantasy god’s wife did he fuck to deserve this shit year after year? Hope she was worth it.
7. Sausage
Sean gets the Miami Dolphins empathy award for his week 4 win. Maine:Jets::Malik:Tyreek. But he’s so stacked at WR that losing Nabers for the season should barely slow him down. He’s got JSN, BTJ, DKM, and ARSB – those are some damn good receivers! Unfortunately, at RB he is relying on Camaro, Breeze, and Hubba Bubba. It’s all going into the same mid 2-2 sausage.
6. Mazzle
Brad-lee’s team is decent and AI-powered. But it’s hard to completely buy this 3-1 record when he’s scored the 3rd fewest total points, has a severely compromised Jamar Chase, and is razor thin at RB. And who is Mazzle starting at Superflex this week when half his team is on bye? Stay tuned! … In happier news, his AI program is still running out Evan McPhereson at Kicker every week for some reason, so there’s still some things humans can do better than machines!
5. Commish
After a 0-2 start, it was looking dire for your favoritest fantasy football commissioner. But with a wild comeback over Falafel on Monday night that came down to the final play of the Dolphins/Jets game, your bestest buddy has crawled back to .500. As per his draft, your main guy is stacked at RB, kinda thin at QB, pretty ok at WR, and Kittle-hurt at TE. And the less said about his Kicker pickups, the better. Also, after a historically low amount of points scored against him last season, your beefy boy has the most points scored against him this year so far. Regression baby! The more important thing to note here is that your most treasured commissioner is going to keep talking about himself in the first person until he has a winning record or makes the playoffs – whichever comes first. You’ve been warned.
4. Good is Dumb
Spaceballs 2 is happening! Really! I’m not making this up! It just started filming! According to Mel Brooks, the movie is “A Non-Prequel Non-Reboot Sequel Part Two but with Reboot Elements Franchise Expansion Film.” As noted in a news release, "While the title and plot details are being kept under wraps, the title is rumored to be the name of the movie, and plot details are being described as information about what happens in the story." Amazing.
Oh yeah…. what were we doing here? Right…MCole is in first place in the standings. He’s in fourth place here, however. Why? His team is a frickin’ M*A*S*H* unit right now. He just lost Tyreek for the season, and he’s dealing with injuries to Lamar Jackson, Calvin Ridley, Jayden Daniels, and Terry McLaurin. May the Schwartz be with him in this difficult time!
3. Additional William
He’ll always be Extra Billy to his fans. And his fans have plenty to cheer about this season, with a 3-1 record and a pretty talented team to boot. Should he be #3 in the power rankings though? Debate amongst yourselves! But you can’t argue too much against a team with Josh Allen, Bijan Robinson, Ashton Jeanty, and #1 Dolphins receiver Jalen Waddle. (OK, that’s a lie. There are definitely people in this league that can argue too damn much…cough cough…Rich…cough cough…Sean…cough cough…those assholes…cough…)
2. Sackbuts
Another year, another terrible Mike Frank team name. Just awful. But in a shocking development, he’s 2 games over 500 for the season and holds the #2 slot here (#3 in the actual standings). Baker Mayfield is slinging it. The Minny WRs and TE are catching it. And Achane is going to get as many touches of it as the Dolphins can give him until he breaks. Plus, Omarion Hampton and Quinshon Judkins look like absolute steals, even though they have the first names of the latest Covid variants. Get your children vaccinated against Omarion and Quinshon today!
1. Falafel
Number 1 in your program and number 10 in your heart…. it’s your unfriendly neighborhood Falafel! Sure, he’s 2-2. And sure, he just suffered one of the worst defeats this season. And sure, he has repeatedly angered the fantasy gods with his hubris. But real talk – Falafels team slaps. He has scored 85(!) more points than anyone in the league. His lineup is packed & stacked 'specially in the back, brother, wanna thank his mother for a Puka Nacua like that. As long as Jonathan Taylor and Christian McCaffrey don’t get hurt, this team is going to dominate the rest of the season. And that’s all there is to say about that.
Until Next Time Fools,
- The Commish
