"I'm just here so I won’t get fined" - Marshawn
Lynch
Well folks, here’s a Powaer Ranking after the first 4 weeks of the season. This will be the most uninformed, quarter-hearted accounting of our league ever, until the next time I write one of these things. Between the dual dumpster-fires of my fantasy team and the so-called professional team calling themselves the Miami Dolphins, I’ve consumed less NFL at this point in the season than any time in the past 40 years. I honestly don’t know what the fuck has been happening on Sundays. (For context, since Minneapolis, I’ve highly enjoyed: the Atlanta Braves in the playoffs, my PS5, Lanterns, pickleball, Rosh Hashanah, a Secret Movie, Garth Brooks in concert, Weezer in concert, Maria Bamford stand-up show, a Penn State football game at Beaver Stadium, the Maryland Renaissance Festival, growing a beard, and sitting Jury Duty on a criminal trial for indecent exposure. What I haven’t enjoyed: the National Football League.)
But here’s what I’m going to do for you fine folks… I’m going to go take a look at the standings now and then make my best guesses on this power ranking shit based on a) current record b) current points scored c) historical manager performance and d) vibes. There, however, will be no talk of your actual players or analysis of your teams. That would require multiple extra mouse clicks, and I’m already losing interest in this exercise as I type this sentence.
Please hold…..
[cue Elevator Musak of Def Leppard’s Photograph]
I’m back. Wow! That
was depressing! Who knew this league
would be less exciting than Jury Duty? (where there was way more penis and masturbation talk than I figured I’d be hearing in Fairfax County Court)
OK, here we go…
10. Commish
In order to be this shitty, you really need a combination of
bad luck and bad skill. And I got both
in spades. I drafted Drake Maye and
Justin Herbert as my QBs, convinced that both of them would have huge years. I drafted
D'Andre Swift, who gets worse every week.
I drafted AJ Brown as my QB1, and he got badly hurt on the very first
night of the season. DeVonta Smith, Breece
Hall, and Jalen Coker are all also hurt now.
AND THANKS TO OUR FUCKING NEW EXTRA BENCH SPOT, THERE IS NO WAY TO
IMPROVE MY FUCKING TEAM ON THE FUCKING WAIVER WIRE!!! The
best I could do last week was pick up and start Marcus Marriota, who flew all
the way to London and got hurt in the first quarter. FML.
9. Mazzle
Congrats to Brad on hitting all 50 states before his 50th
B-day! Who da ho? Idaho!
Unfortunately, his fantasy team sucks this year.
If Brad agrees right now to share Auction Bitch duties with
me equally at the next draft, I will heartily agree to that deal. Call me, maybe?
8. Pretzels
Mike Seth Frank is 2-2 only because it’s what he does, not
that he actually deserves that record.
His team is bad. It should be 1-3
or 0-4 or -1-5. It is bad.
7. Maine
Top 5 in points
top 5 in points against
bacon fried lard
sinks to the bottom.
6. Steve
Should he arguably be somewhat higher in this ranking? Yep. But
his track record in the regular season is … let’s say…. not great… He’s only got $14 left in his FAAB. Also, he started off the season with some bad
karma by showing up late to our Auction Draft, where he was at a fancy dinner
and bidding in ANOTHER AUCTION. That
bastard was blatantly cheating on us and rubbing our fat cocaine noses in
it.
5. Thong
Jean shorts position, baby.
Jorts! JORTS!!
I know what we should get him for Christmas -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAUSGj713gA
4. Spaceballs – The Fantasy Team (great name!)
Mike Evan Cole*. Does
this disgraced former champ have a run in him this year? He started off slowly but has now clawed his
way back to .500. I really don’t have
anything else to say here, other than – like the dinosaurs - Brother Cole finds
a way.
3. Sausage
Sean picked a very porny team name this year, and I respect that. He also – despite not loving his team
post-draft – has managed to do decently so far.
Will it hold up? I dunno! But he always seems to make the playoffs, so
the 3 slot seems about right here.
2. Falafel
If you come at the king, you best not miss. Still the champ until anyone says otherwise.
(Travis definitely has a half-chub after reading that.)
1. Extra Billy
First place, undefeated, and unstoppable. I don’t see any way that Robby can possibly
lose this season.
TLDR: My team
sucks. Maine, MFrank, and Thong are clichés
at this point. Robby is the team to beat. Falafel is right on his heels. And
other people are probably still in this league.
How many fucking weeks do we still have left?
- The Commish
