Well, it ain't rock bottom anymore (hello down there Maine), but it feels pretty damn close when Falafel is calling your office phone 17 times in a vain attempt to reach you primarily for taunting purposes. Not a banner weekend for most people in the league actually. Like week 1, everyone but no-life computer game geek Falafel has something to bitch about. Let's grouse.... (I am busy, tired,grumpy, and dealing with my annual Mongolian Death cough, so this week's recap will be short and barely coherent.)
I Falafeled In My Pants 100.78 Cobra Commander 78.47
My Bitch #1: Injuries for your faithful commish so far: Anthony Gonzalez, Brian Urlacher, Knowshon Moreno, Laurent Robinson, Mike Bell, Marion Barber, Dominik Hixon, Matt Forte's mojo.
My Bitch #2: That I have to resort to Bitch #1.
Kwan of the Thong 101.48 The Expendables 47.71
Thong begins his slow climb into the consolation bracket, while consoling himself about the Redskins' futility. Maine is the 2nd team (after Thong) to be declared DOA for the season.
Creeping Death 63.38 Hump or Death 54.03
This deadly matchup couldn't have been lamer. Brother Cole's fantasy team couldn't be worse, and his Tar Hears football team couldn't be more over-hyped going into their weekend smackdown at the hands of the Rambling Wreck of Bradley Tech. Meanwhile, Mazzle is 3-0, undefeated, and well aware that his team not-so-secretly sucks, with the 2nd worst total points in the league. Also his boyfriend was severly concussed on Saturday.
Kosher Sausage King 92.27 The Dane 63.36
Even "nice guy" Sean had reason to bitch. While he was busy starving his hair off, his Steelers were busy blowing a big lead to Cinci. But at least he beat Mike Frank and stuff. Watching Drew Brees throw up a little 1.97, MFrank threw up a little in his mouth.
The Wanstaches 106.70 Dead Kennedys 73.39
The game of the week was Strobby Bowl VII. Steve made his usual bonehead moves and got his ass kicked, while watching his boy-toy get concussed the day before. Meanwhile, Robby solidified his hold on the title of Regular Season Best Team, with another dominant showing over a hundred points. However, he had to endure the early end of his beloved Dolphins season and watch his beloved Chad #1 go down hard.
Scary Side Note - Is Robby's team so good it's Robby proof? Case in point: A good manager would have noted that Brian Westbrook was inactive on Sunday and made the no-brainer call of plugging in LeSean McCoy instead of a very gimpy Caddy Williams. Needless to say, Robby didn't do this. He left 12 points on the table and still put up 106. Scary. Even he might not be able to screw this one up? Nahhh....
Cough,
- The Commish
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Week 2 Recap
Hey kids,
If you're like me - and who wouldn't want to be like me? - you're feeling pretty hungover this morning for reasons too painful to mention. So let's not mention them. Moving on...
Before the draft, I told anyone that would listen that things felt different this year. With the exception of Purple Hey-Zeus, every player out there had risks and question marks. There was just no telling what to expect with anyone this season. And after 2 weeks of league play, that new reality has borne out with (choking on my water as I type this)... gasp...Strobby leading everyone in total points. With Mike F Frank at #3. What in the name of Gary Shandling is going on here? Read the recap to find out...
Cobra Commander 97.85 The Expendables 89.47
Well, that's more like it. Beginning the steep climb up from rock bottom, my team hurt a couple body parts, but ultimately came out victorious with a big game from Tiki's sister Marion on Sunday Night Football (aside: Chris Collinsworth looks like a cross between Lurch and a weasel, but damned if he isn't a great color guy and a step up over the very-Madden-like John Madden). So your faithful Commish improves to 1-1, while Maine drops to 0-2 despite not actually sucking too badly so far. But he has Mark Sanchez and Chansi Stuckey on his bench, so help is on the way (in the form of two guys who sound like the male and female leads in a Skinemax movie).
***Fact #1: The two 1st round draft picks (Forte and Moss) in this matchup combined to score 5.73 points.
***Fact #2: Maine shockingly cut Greg Camarillo immediately this season, if not sooner.
The Wanstaches 92.65 Falafel TBD 76.42
Robby can't be feeling good this morning either, but he can console himself with another victory, this time over the increasingly irrelevant Falafel. He had 6 guys in double digits and won handily, despite getting zippy from his good friend Greg Jennings (who - true story- he only drafted because he heard him interviewed on Boca sports-talk-radio and "he seemed like a really great guy!"). Meanwhile, Falafel bears the bad karma of not having "Falafel" in his team name.
***Fact #1: Santana, Santonio, and the aforementioned Greg combined to score 5.86 points.
***Fact #2: Robby leads the league in total points (201.26) and Elementary school restraining orders.
Creeping Death 68.34 Thong RIP 59.06
This is early to be declared out of the playoff hunt, even for Thong. But facts is facts. He is done, finished, kaput. Expect for him to crawl out of last place somehow into the consolation bracket - to ultimately claim the jean shorts - but no more than that. Meanwhile, it must be Brad's birthday today to be winning with such a middling team. He defeats Thong in the low scoring Battle of Atlanta and moves to 2-0 on the season. Happy Birfday Bradley!
***Fact #1: Thong had about a billion points on his bench this week. 85.32 optimal points. He so could have won. But...
***Fact #2: Bill Belichick screwed Thong over this week harder than that tranny in college. Wes Welker may play every game the rest of the way and score a million points, or never play again in the NFL. There's really just no telling.
Hump or Death 108.26 Kosher Sausage King 80.11
If you're, again, like me, you hate the new stat tracker this year. It is terrible!!! You can't see all the games at once and it takes away everything that was user friendly about the old one and fucked with it to make it suckier. You can't even see all the stats without going to the whole box score. It's horrible. I've already written my congressperson, and I urge you to do the same. Oh, and the Champ beat the new guy. Whoop-dee-doo.
***Fact #1: Tom Brady had a grand total of 2.45 fantasy points this week.
***Fact #2: Sean would have been better starting his bald spot at defense this week. His hair has better coverage than the Titans.
Dead Kennedys 100.27 The Dane 68.01 I'm calling it now. If Steve wins this league, I'll shit a gopher. That's right. I will swallow a gopher whole and then shit it the hell out if Steve wins. But I digress. Stevie gets another big win over the suddenly inept Mike Franks, thanks to his Cardinal connection and once-again, Frank F. Gore.
***Fact #1: Gore leads all RBs in fantasy points so far.
***Fact #2: Steve leads all owners in jackassery so far.
That's all folks. Better luck next week.
- The Commish
If you're like me - and who wouldn't want to be like me? - you're feeling pretty hungover this morning for reasons too painful to mention. So let's not mention them. Moving on...
Before the draft, I told anyone that would listen that things felt different this year. With the exception of Purple Hey-Zeus, every player out there had risks and question marks. There was just no telling what to expect with anyone this season. And after 2 weeks of league play, that new reality has borne out with (choking on my water as I type this)... gasp...Strobby leading everyone in total points. With Mike F Frank at #3. What in the name of Gary Shandling is going on here? Read the recap to find out...
Cobra Commander 97.85 The Expendables 89.47
Well, that's more like it. Beginning the steep climb up from rock bottom, my team hurt a couple body parts, but ultimately came out victorious with a big game from Tiki's sister Marion on Sunday Night Football (aside: Chris Collinsworth looks like a cross between Lurch and a weasel, but damned if he isn't a great color guy and a step up over the very-Madden-like John Madden). So your faithful Commish improves to 1-1, while Maine drops to 0-2 despite not actually sucking too badly so far. But he has Mark Sanchez and Chansi Stuckey on his bench, so help is on the way (in the form of two guys who sound like the male and female leads in a Skinemax movie).
***Fact #1: The two 1st round draft picks (Forte and Moss) in this matchup combined to score 5.73 points.
***Fact #2: Maine shockingly cut Greg Camarillo immediately this season, if not sooner.
The Wanstaches 92.65 Falafel TBD 76.42
Robby can't be feeling good this morning either, but he can console himself with another victory, this time over the increasingly irrelevant Falafel. He had 6 guys in double digits and won handily, despite getting zippy from his good friend Greg Jennings (who - true story- he only drafted because he heard him interviewed on Boca sports-talk-radio and "he seemed like a really great guy!"). Meanwhile, Falafel bears the bad karma of not having "Falafel" in his team name.
***Fact #1: Santana, Santonio, and the aforementioned Greg combined to score 5.86 points.
***Fact #2: Robby leads the league in total points (201.26) and Elementary school restraining orders.
Creeping Death 68.34 Thong RIP 59.06 This is early to be declared out of the playoff hunt, even for Thong. But facts is facts. He is done, finished, kaput. Expect for him to crawl out of last place somehow into the consolation bracket - to ultimately claim the jean shorts - but no more than that. Meanwhile, it must be Brad's birthday today to be winning with such a middling team. He defeats Thong in the low scoring Battle of Atlanta and moves to 2-0 on the season. Happy Birfday Bradley!
***Fact #1: Thong had about a billion points on his bench this week. 85.32 optimal points. He so could have won. But...
***Fact #2: Bill Belichick screwed Thong over this week harder than that tranny in college. Wes Welker may play every game the rest of the way and score a million points, or never play again in the NFL. There's really just no telling.
Hump or Death 108.26 Kosher Sausage King 80.11
If you're, again, like me, you hate the new stat tracker this year. It is terrible!!! You can't see all the games at once and it takes away everything that was user friendly about the old one and fucked with it to make it suckier. You can't even see all the stats without going to the whole box score. It's horrible. I've already written my congressperson, and I urge you to do the same. Oh, and the Champ beat the new guy. Whoop-dee-doo.
***Fact #1: Tom Brady had a grand total of 2.45 fantasy points this week.
***Fact #2: Sean would have been better starting his bald spot at defense this week. His hair has better coverage than the Titans.
Dead Kennedys 100.27 The Dane 68.01 I'm calling it now. If Steve wins this league, I'll shit a gopher. That's right. I will swallow a gopher whole and then shit it the hell out if Steve wins. But I digress. Stevie gets another big win over the suddenly inept Mike Franks, thanks to his Cardinal connection and once-again, Frank F. Gore. ***Fact #1: Gore leads all RBs in fantasy points so far.
***Fact #2: Steve leads all owners in jackassery so far.
That's all folks. Better luck next week.
- The Commish
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Week 1 Recap
Howdy folks. Well, I'm spent. That was a lot of shit that just went down - between injuries, comebacks, near upsets, and total-bed crapping, pretty much everyone has something to complain about from the weekend or be worried about going forward. Reality can be a bitch sometimes.
And after only one week in the books, it's already hard to get motivated to write this damn recap. So here are some motivational posters that might help...
Cobra Commander 50.70 Creeping Death 86.19 At least I've hit Rock Bottom early. Pretty much can only get better from here. Mazzle gets a strong performance from McNabb (before the ribwich injury) and good production from his stable of RBs to easily defeat my ass. I haven't beaten Bradley in the regular season since Week 6 of the 2007 regular season. Did I mention he dominates me in the regular season? Just wanted to give him those very specific props.
The Expendables 68.35 OopsIWittenMyPants 91.54 OopsIWittenMyPants (who needs to change his team name back to something with Falafel in it immediately) did the brave thing on draft day and chose Brian Westbrook when everyone else was scared to and was the only one brave enough not to draft a TE. And for at least one week it payed off big time. He wipes the floor with Mainerd and begins his comeback season in style. Meanwhile Maine is still jet-lagged.
Kwan of the Thong 68.94 Kosher Sausage King 74.35 In order to win in this league, you have to choose wisely. And Mr. S King (no relation to the horror writer) made a wise choice in sitting Larry Johnson against the Ravens defense, while Mr. Thongstein chose poorly when he decided to play fantasy football again. Congrats to Sean on surviving his first draft weekend, unconvincingly winning his first matchup, and managing to hang onto the little hair he has left in the process. (First bald joke of the year...ca-ching!)
Hump or Death 71.12 Dead Kennedys 90.02 Steve loses and he's angry, he wins and he's angry. Guess there's just no pleasing some guys (short of auto-erotic asphyxiation, and this ain't that kind of league. (though I seriously doubt that a fantasy football league/auto-erotic asphyxiation exists anywhere STEVE!)) Anyhow, Steve wins one out of his designated 4 games early this year, riding a big performance from Frank Gore (just like the old days back in Miami). On the flip side, your defending champ plans to start his title defense any minute now.
The Dane 115.09 The Wanstaches 108.61 This one was a bad luck heartbreaker for the Wanstaches, who put up the 2nd highest total of the week and still lost, thanks to the stylings of Drew Brees and the Breezetones. Not to mention the redonkulous Philly Defense. MFrank has 4 players score less that 2 points and he still puts up a sick total. I predict a Serena-like tantrum from Robby and a draft sheet stuffed down MFrank's [expletive deleted] throat.
One last piece of wisdom... Good luck to all next week. And when setting your lineup, have some fun and don't be afraid to take some chances.
- The Commish
And after only one week in the books, it's already hard to get motivated to write this damn recap. So here are some motivational posters that might help...
Cobra Commander 50.70 Creeping Death 86.19 At least I've hit Rock Bottom early. Pretty much can only get better from here. Mazzle gets a strong performance from McNabb (before the ribwich injury) and good production from his stable of RBs to easily defeat my ass. I haven't beaten Bradley in the regular season since Week 6 of the 2007 regular season. Did I mention he dominates me in the regular season? Just wanted to give him those very specific props. 
The Expendables 68.35 OopsIWittenMyPants 91.54 OopsIWittenMyPants (who needs to change his team name back to something with Falafel in it immediately) did the brave thing on draft day and chose Brian Westbrook when everyone else was scared to and was the only one brave enough not to draft a TE. And for at least one week it payed off big time. He wipes the floor with Mainerd and begins his comeback season in style. Meanwhile Maine is still jet-lagged. 
Kwan of the Thong 68.94 Kosher Sausage King 74.35 In order to win in this league, you have to choose wisely. And Mr. S King (no relation to the horror writer) made a wise choice in sitting Larry Johnson against the Ravens defense, while Mr. Thongstein chose poorly when he decided to play fantasy football again. Congrats to Sean on surviving his first draft weekend, unconvincingly winning his first matchup, and managing to hang onto the little hair he has left in the process. (First bald joke of the year...ca-ching!)
Hump or Death 71.12 Dead Kennedys 90.02 Steve loses and he's angry, he wins and he's angry. Guess there's just no pleasing some guys (short of auto-erotic asphyxiation, and this ain't that kind of league. (though I seriously doubt that a fantasy football league/auto-erotic asphyxiation exists anywhere STEVE!)) Anyhow, Steve wins one out of his designated 4 games early this year, riding a big performance from Frank Gore (just like the old days back in Miami). On the flip side, your defending champ plans to start his title defense any minute now. 
The Dane 115.09 The Wanstaches 108.61 This one was a bad luck heartbreaker for the Wanstaches, who put up the 2nd highest total of the week and still lost, thanks to the stylings of Drew Brees and the Breezetones. Not to mention the redonkulous Philly Defense. MFrank has 4 players score less that 2 points and he still puts up a sick total. I predict a Serena-like tantrum from Robby and a draft sheet stuffed down MFrank's [expletive deleted] throat. One last piece of wisdom... Good luck to all next week. And when setting your lineup, have some fun and don't be afraid to take some chances.
- The Commish
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