If you're like me - and who wouldn't want to be like me? - you're feeling pretty hungover this morning for reasons too painful to mention. So let's not mention them. Moving on...
Before the draft, I told anyone that would listen that things felt different this year. With the exception of Purple Hey-Zeus, every player out there had risks and question marks. There was just no telling what to expect with anyone this season. And after 2 weeks of league play, that new reality has borne out with (choking on my water as I type this)... gasp...Strobby leading everyone in total points. With Mike F Frank at #3. What in the name of Gary Shandling is going on here? Read the recap to find out...
Cobra Commander 97.85 The Expendables 89.47
Well, that's more like it. Beginning the steep climb up from rock bottom, my team hurt a couple body parts, but ultimately came out victorious with a big game from Tiki's sister Marion on Sunday Night Football (aside: Chris Collinsworth looks like a cross between Lurch and a weasel, but damned if he isn't a great color guy and a step up over the very-Madden-like John Madden). So your faithful Commish improves to 1-1, while Maine drops to 0-2 despite not actually sucking too badly so far. But he has Mark Sanchez and Chansi Stuckey on his bench, so help is on the way (in the form of two guys who sound like the male and female leads in a Skinemax movie).
***Fact #1: The two 1st round draft picks (Forte and Moss) in this matchup combined to score 5.73 points.
***Fact #2: Maine shockingly cut Greg Camarillo immediately this season, if not sooner.
The Wanstaches 92.65 Falafel TBD 76.42
Robby can't be feeling good this morning either, but he can console himself with another victory, this time over the increasingly irrelevant Falafel. He had 6 guys in double digits and won handily, despite getting zippy from his good friend Greg Jennings (who - true story- he only drafted because he heard him interviewed on Boca sports-talk-radio and "he seemed like a really great guy!"). Meanwhile, Falafel bears the bad karma of not having "Falafel" in his team name.
***Fact #1: Santana, Santonio, and the aforementioned Greg combined to score 5.86 points.
***Fact #2: Robby leads the league in total points (201.26) and Elementary school restraining orders.
Creeping Death 68.34 Thong RIP 59.06 This is early to be declared out of the playoff hunt, even for Thong. But facts is facts. He is done, finished, kaput. Expect for him to crawl out of last place somehow into the consolation bracket - to ultimately claim the jean shorts - but no more than that. Meanwhile, it must be Brad's birthday today to be winning with such a middling team. He defeats Thong in the low scoring Battle of Atlanta and moves to 2-0 on the season. Happy Birfday Bradley!
***Fact #1: Thong had about a billion points on his bench this week. 85.32 optimal points. He so could have won. But...
***Fact #2: Bill Belichick screwed Thong over this week harder than that tranny in college. Wes Welker may play every game the rest of the way and score a million points, or never play again in the NFL. There's really just no telling.
Hump or Death 108.26 Kosher Sausage King 80.11
If you're, again, like me, you hate the new stat tracker this year. It is terrible!!! You can't see all the games at once and it takes away everything that was user friendly about the old one and fucked with it to make it suckier. You can't even see all the stats without going to the whole box score. It's horrible. I've already written my congressperson, and I urge you to do the same. Oh, and the Champ beat the new guy. Whoop-dee-doo.
***Fact #1: Tom Brady had a grand total of 2.45 fantasy points this week.
***Fact #2: Sean would have been better starting his bald spot at defense this week. His hair has better coverage than the Titans.
Dead Kennedys 100.27 The Dane 68.01 I'm calling it now. If Steve wins this league, I'll shit a gopher. That's right. I will swallow a gopher whole and then shit it the hell out if Steve wins. But I digress. Stevie gets another big win over the suddenly inept Mike Franks, thanks to his Cardinal connection and once-again, Frank F. Gore. ***Fact #1: Gore leads all RBs in fantasy points so far.
***Fact #2: Steve leads all owners in jackassery so far.
That's all folks. Better luck next week.
- The Commish
