Week 11 Recap

Howdy Turkeys! Gobble, gobble, motherfuckers!!! After a week absence dealing with work, a sick child, a very pregnant wife, and the end of my fantasy football season....the recap is back in Full Monty. But you don't need me to read the fucking standings for you, unless you're an illiterate motherfucker like Mike Frank. So let's go inside baseball on your asses. What the hell has really been going on around here? Well, let's see, shall we.....

The Extendables 200 Commish 50
So Mainerd decides to put up his highest total of the year for no reason whatsoever, other than to kick a Commish while he's down. I'll remember this, dude. When Fat Bobby gets back from that leper colony, you're the first one to go. .. Meanwhile, I'm not sure there's ever been a case of this, but if you look at my starting RBs vs my bench RBs, I not only started a wrong guy, but I started all 3 wrong guys! Every single one of them..wrong! So not only am I weirdly carrying 6 RBs, but I'm made every conceivable wrong decision you can make with them - a suboptimal lineup. I'd feel worse if Maine wasn't 2-9.

The Merkins 144 Oopsmyteamsucksass 44
OK, now we're getting to the nut-meat of the league. Robby is indeed embracing the spirit of Dave Wanstache and feeding Ricky the ball to impressive regular season results. He is once again topping the league in total points and back in playoff position. What's scary is that Robby put up 113 points this week and Adrian Peterson was his 2nd worst scoring player. This team is stacked in the back and he should thank Harriet for an ass like that. .. Meanwhile, how the hell is Falafel beating anyone this season with that assortment of chumps and chumpettes?

Creepy Breath 99 Richard Spady 66
I feel sorry for Brad this year, I really do. I've been there, dude. It's just no fun winning all season only to lose in the playoffs. At least when you're scratching and clawing to make your books and get into the show, there's some excitement. But it's been a foregone conclusion that Brad is making the playoffs this year and he's just boringly waiting around to get beat when it counts. And like Rick James says, the waiting is the hardest part. (The second hardest part is losing when you've been winning for 3 months.) (And the third hardest part, as Joan Jett says, is linoleum.) ... Meanwhile, I really like to use the word meanwhile as a transitional device. Also, please raise your hand if you have already put in a waiver claim for Rock Cartwright and your name rhymes with Scmitchard Schmady.

Chump or Bitch 71 Juan Valdez/Super Mario/Jim Garner 68
This one was a big-time bra burner, yo! This one came down to blah, blah, blah. Who the hell cares? Can we just get to the mocking of BrotherCole for his brilliant decision to pick up and start the Detroit Lions defense? Can you say, "Too smart for his own motherfucking good."? I bet you can! The Lions defense netted a grand total of -3 points. That's a minus 3! Bizzaro Reggie Miller would be proud! "Me am shooting a negatory 3 pointer! Me is happy!" ... Meanwhile, in other news, BrotherCole started the Detroit Lions defense under his own free will. He even tried to talk me into doing the same thing in my other league, but I wouldn't be tricked. I mean, who does that? It's even worse than growing a moustache.

The Dutch Oven 90 The Zombie Kennedys 88
The Steve-mobile hit a sizable bump in the road on his way to the Chicken Bone Cup, as he lost Ronnie Brown for the season and the clock struck midnight on Cedric Benson. Is this week's narrow loss a blip on the radar or a harbinger of doom? Is it a fly in the ointment or a turd in the punchbowl? Is it a molehill or a mountain? Is it thin Oprah or fat Oprah? Is it Steve's penis or his girlfriend's penis? Only time shall tell.... Meanwhile, Mike is plump, happy to be back near .500, and ready for his Franksgiving holiday.


Have a Happy Turkey-day everyone! Safe travels, cooking, sleeping, and fornicating!

- The Commish

Week 9 Recap

OK, you wanted some gay poetry around here? You got it!!!!



Cobra Commander 106.51 Cleveland Browns 94.43

There once was a man named Sean
Whose loss was already foregone
So he took his sad pride
And sat down outside
And grew a mustache instead of a lawn.























There once was a commish named Dope
He won, but still couldn't cope
With his place in the league
Or his growing fatigue
with feelings of frickin' false hope.


The Wanstaches 88.16 The Expendables 72.90

There once was a dick named Maine
Who couldn't be bothered to feign
A desire to win
So he started Ted Ginn
His season is long down the drain.

There once was a bitch named Robby
Like a hooker with knees that are knobby
He may score lots of points
But he's bound to disappoint
Cause his vag is the size of a lobby.


Creeping Death 92.61 OopsIWittenMyPants 65.59

There once was a dude named Falafel
Whose team was really quite awful
But his decisions were worse
And his tastes were perverse
His girlfriend likes to shit on a waffle.

There once was a Brad in first place
Gay poems he looked to embrace
A haiku or sonnet
Gets a bee in his bonnet
And rhymes all over his face.


Dead Kennedys 108.70 Kwan of the Thong 72.12

There once was a douchebag named Steve
Who left 20 points up his sleeve
Starting Carson not Kurt
Had to have hurt
He's choking so hard, he may heave.

There once was a guy named Thong
Whose season was once looking strong
Losing two out of three
With no semblance of D
Makes Thong's dong go wrong and not long.


Hump or Death 95.22 The Dane 88.07

There once was a man named The Dane
From winning he vowed to refrain
He scored just enough
To pretend to be tough
But in the middle he cared to remain.

There once was a champ named Cole
Limper than 90's Bob Dole
He was masterbatin'
To Daniels and Slaton
Now he'll need self-control.


- The Commish

Week 8 Recap

Hey punks,

Is it just me or does it seem like it's just one of those seasons where everyone's team sucks. I don't think I've talked to a single one of you who is satisfied with their team/season. (College Football is kind of the same way this year. Tedd Ginn too.) We say we're up, then we say we're down....

Cobra Commander 85.59 Dead Kennedys 67.17
After landing at #1 in the power rankings, the Dying Steves have promptly lost two in a row. (Time for a name change, methinks!) This week, he lost to the lowly Commish, getting little-to-no production from any RB or WR not named F Gore. Call it a hunch, but I'm guessing he's bitter. ... Prediction for this upcoming week: Steve plays the wrong QB and pukes himself in disgust.


Creeping Death 90.74 The Expendables 68.57
Mazzle is in sole possession of both first place and a circa 1987 Garbage Pail Kid card of himself. He puts in a good ol' fashioned beat down of Maine, and moves to 6-2 on the season. And thanks to his pickups of Miles Austin and Vernon Davis, he might just have enough juice to stay in first place (until the playoffs, of course). He might be the only happy team owner this week. .. Meanwhile, I can smell Maine's rotting corpse from here.

OopsIWittenMyPants 70.41 Cleveland Browns 58.38
This was pathetic. Falafel was too hungover to set his lineup and Sausage King was too (apparently) stoned to set his properly. No excuses - you both should be embarrassed. At least Falafel is still in contention. I believe you can count the Sausage King out now.... Down to the final 7 on Chicken Bone Idol.

Kwan of the Thong 79.76 The Dane 71.83
Color me shocked! Dane Judy Dench is currently the only team in the league with a .500 record. Oh sweet mediocrity! ... Thong got the weak win in this one, thanks to MJD making the hella most of his 8 carries and Reggie Wayne catching a random TD from Joey Addai. ... In other news, judging by his haircut, Mike Frank is secretly a lesbian.
http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com/


Hump or Death 85.63 The Wanstaches 72.11
96.8 - any clue what that number is? It's Robby's weekly points against average. Lucky the Fins beat the Jets, or else he might have carved his wrists up for Halloween. .. Meanwhile, Little Brother Cole gets another win, but this one is costly. He loses Owen Daniels for the season, and maybe Steve Slaton too. I knew that Texans thing couldn't last...

Toodles,
- The Commish