Howdy Turkeys! Gobble, gobble, motherfuckers!!! After a week absence dealing with work, a sick child, a very pregnant wife, and the end of my fantasy football season....the recap is back in Full Monty. But you don't need me to read the fucking standings for you, unless you're an illiterate motherfucker like Mike Frank. So let's go inside baseball on your asses. What the hell has really been going on around here? Well, let's see, shall we.....
The Extendables 200 Commish 50
So Mainerd decides to put up his highest total of the year for no reason whatsoever, other than to kick a Commish while he's down. I'll remember this, dude. When Fat Bobby gets back from that leper colony, you're the first one to go. .. Meanwhile, I'm not sure there's ever been a case of this, but if you look at my starting RBs vs my bench RBs, I not only started a wrong guy, but I started all 3 wrong guys! Every single one of them..wrong! So not only am I weirdly carrying 6 RBs, but I'm made every conceivable wrong decision you can make with them - a suboptimal lineup. I'd feel worse if Maine wasn't 2-9.
The Merkins 144 Oopsmyteamsucksass 44
OK, now we're getting to the nut-meat of the league. Robby is indeed embracing the spirit of Dave Wanstache and feeding Ricky the ball to impressive regular season results. He is once again topping the league in total points and back in playoff position. What's scary is that Robby put up 113 points this week and Adrian Peterson was his 2nd worst scoring player. This team is stacked in the back and he should thank Harriet for an ass like that. .. Meanwhile, how the hell is Falafel beating anyone this season with that assortment of chumps and chumpettes?
Creepy Breath 99 Richard Spady 66
I feel sorry for Brad this year, I really do. I've been there, dude. It's just no fun winning all season only to lose in the playoffs. At least when you're scratching and clawing to make your books and get into the show, there's some excitement. But it's been a foregone conclusion that Brad is making the playoffs this year and he's just boringly waiting around to get beat when it counts. And like Rick James says, the waiting is the hardest part. (The second hardest part is losing when you've been winning for 3 months.) (And the third hardest part, as Joan Jett says, is linoleum.) ... Meanwhile, I really like to use the word meanwhile as a transitional device. Also, please raise your hand if you have already put in a waiver claim for Rock Cartwright and your name rhymes with Scmitchard Schmady.
Chump or Bitch 71 Juan Valdez/Super Mario/Jim Garner 68
This one was a big-time bra burner, yo! This one came down to blah, blah, blah. Who the hell cares? Can we just get to the mocking of BrotherCole for his brilliant decision to pick up and start the Detroit Lions defense? Can you say, "Too smart for his own motherfucking good."? I bet you can! The Lions defense netted a grand total of -3 points. That's a minus 3! Bizzaro Reggie Miller would be proud! "Me am shooting a negatory 3 pointer! Me is happy!" ... Meanwhile, in other news, BrotherCole started the Detroit Lions defense under his own free will. He even tried to talk me into doing the same thing in my other league, but I wouldn't be tricked. I mean, who does that? It's even worse than growing a moustache.
The Dutch Oven 90 The Zombie Kennedys 88
The Steve-mobile hit a sizable bump in the road on his way to the Chicken Bone Cup, as he lost Ronnie Brown for the season and the clock struck midnight on Cedric Benson. Is this week's narrow loss a blip on the radar or a harbinger of doom? Is it a fly in the ointment or a turd in the punchbowl? Is it a molehill or a mountain? Is it thin Oprah or fat Oprah? Is it Steve's penis or his girlfriend's penis? Only time shall tell.... Meanwhile, Mike is plump, happy to be back near .500, and ready for his Franksgiving holiday.
Have a Happy Turkey-day everyone! Safe travels, cooking, sleeping, and fornicating!
- The Commish
