Hey everybody. Hope you all are having a great holiday season, stuffing yourselves silly, enjoying the last vestiges of football, and generally enjoying some festive downtime. Thanks for another ridiculous season of fantasy football. Time to dole out a few year-end awards around here.
Best Team Name: The Foo Man Jew
Worst Team Name: Avathong
Best Draft Pick: Sergeant Shaft, Arian Foster (4th round)
Worst Draft Pick: Deez Bacon Balls, Ryan Matthews (1st round)
Best Message Board Quote: "I hope he gets raped by a deer on Thanksgiving!" - Steve
Worst Message Board Quote: "Yes, Arizona, the real Mike Frank will be in the house." - MFrank
Best West Coaster: Maine, for being the hostess with the mostest
Worst West Coaster: Falafel, for being MIA since September
Best Luck: Brother Cole
Worst Luck: Falafel
Worst, then Best, then Worst Luck: Commish
Best Waiver Wire Pickup: Brother Cole, Mike Vick
Dennis Northcutt Memorial Worst Waiver Wire Pickup: Jabar Gaffney, Multiple People
Waiver Wire Champ: Commish (45 mostly useless moves)
Waiver Wire Chump: Falafel (only 8 moves!)
Best Playoff Preview: N/A
Worst Playoff Preview: Ryan Grant's Ankle
Best Cinematography: Strobby
Worst Cinematography: Travich
Poster of the Year: In a down year for posting, with life and shit getting in the way of what really matters, I was tempted to just give this award to myself or Steve. But one person actually stepped up his game a bit, and I'm giving it to him. (I mean the award.) So a hearty Mazzle Tazzle to Bradley, who reigned over the Chicken Bone cup with style, grace, and flatulence.
Peace Out,
- The Commish
Monday, December 27, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Semi-Final Recap: "Semi-Hard"
So the nightmare scenario has come true - an all Cole final. But let's recap this thing for posterity sake.
Sergeant Shaft 92.26 Deez Bacon Balls 58.62
In the under-card, the Bacon Balls proved they was just happy to be here. Except for Jamaal Charles and eventually DeSean Jackson, nobody on their team really showed up to play. However, it was a successful, scrappy season for the Baconators, and they should be proud of all that they accomplished while ignoring their wife and daughters. ... On the flip-side, Team Shaft scored his usual about-90 points and coasted to an easy victory behind the arm of Phil Rivers, the legs of Chris Johnson, and the 22 giant balls of the San Diego Defense. The good Sergeant's team is primed and ready for the championship game.
Lemon Curry? 130.78 Fuck the Eagles 93.96
In a higher scoring affair than Paris Hilton's prom, the evil Brother Cole (why don't you just grow a goatee already?!) bested the surly Steven (who for some reason has something against Don Henley). I haven't checked with the Elias Sports Bureau yet, but I believe that this was our league's highest scoring playoff game ever. Steve has nothing to be ashamed of, with the exception of everything not fantasy football-related. 130 is a frickin monster score, and BrotherCole put it up thanks to Mike Vick, Vincent Jackson, and Sebastian Janikowski - three of the nicest people you'll ever meet. His team is surging at the right time, heading into Chicken Bone Bowl this weekend.
Nothing left now but the game....
- The Commish
Sergeant Shaft 92.26 Deez Bacon Balls 58.62
In the under-card, the Bacon Balls proved they was just happy to be here. Except for Jamaal Charles and eventually DeSean Jackson, nobody on their team really showed up to play. However, it was a successful, scrappy season for the Baconators, and they should be proud of all that they accomplished while ignoring their wife and daughters. ... On the flip-side, Team Shaft scored his usual about-90 points and coasted to an easy victory behind the arm of Phil Rivers, the legs of Chris Johnson, and the 22 giant balls of the San Diego Defense. The good Sergeant's team is primed and ready for the championship game.
Lemon Curry? 130.78 Fuck the Eagles 93.96
In a higher scoring affair than Paris Hilton's prom, the evil Brother Cole (why don't you just grow a goatee already?!) bested the surly Steven (who for some reason has something against Don Henley). I haven't checked with the Elias Sports Bureau yet, but I believe that this was our league's highest scoring playoff game ever. Steve has nothing to be ashamed of, with the exception of everything not fantasy football-related. 130 is a frickin monster score, and BrotherCole put it up thanks to Mike Vick, Vincent Jackson, and Sebastian Janikowski - three of the nicest people you'll ever meet. His team is surging at the right time, heading into Chicken Bone Bowl this weekend.
Nothing left now but the game....
- The Commish
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Week 14 Recap: "Put up, or shut up"
Well, we're all set for the yahoo playoffs, with the usual Cole contingent, plus a couple of random yahoos. (To note: 9 out of the 10 teams - and a full 9 out of the 9 non-homosexual teams - ended up with final records between 6-8 and 8-6. That's parity, bitches.) But how did we end up here?....
Sergeant Shaft 90.79 Disposable Heroes 70.48
Everyone except Brad got his wish, and I won handily to capture the #2 seed. Putting up right around 90 points for the 3rd straight week, and 4th straight win, my team is surging heading into the playoffs. But will my indecisive management doom me in the playoffs? (like in my other league where Sunday morning I wisely dropped Shayne Graham and picked up Graham Gano?) ... On the other side of the two headed coin, Bradley's hopes of repeating as champ were dashed, as two losses in a row doomed him. Doooooooooooooomed him. His season fades to black....
Stabbed In The Hand 62.15 Avathong 85.21
No shorts for you!!!
Lemon Curry? 101.94 Ryan Grant's Ankle 73.22
Sean needed to score about 56 more points than he did to make the playoffs. But he didn't, so he didn't. His team seemed better than 6-8, but the standings don't lie. Maybe if he had Ryan Grant to start, things might have turned out differently. What ever happened to that guy anyhow? Hand injury, I think...
Despicable Falafel 96.31 The Foo Man Jew 120.77
Fitting that in the last week of the season, Falafel is still getting a bazillion points scored on him. I bet he'd be really pissed off if he was still alive right now. ... And don't get me started on Robby. With some more consistency, his team could've been a contender. But where is he? How can we find him? My guess - with the sketchy facial hair, he ended up on Megan's list.
Fighting Muschamps 74.20 Deez Bacon Balls 81.39
And this one ended up being a win-win for both "guys." Maine wins to get in the playoffs, and Steve loses to make the playoffs too and avoid the 1st Round Shaft. Everyone's happy! (At least for one week.)
Merry Playoffs/Festivus Everyone!!!
- The Commish
P.S. I'm working to cajole a playoff preview out of someone, so look for it in this space later this week.
Sergeant Shaft 90.79 Disposable Heroes 70.48
Everyone except Brad got his wish, and I won handily to capture the #2 seed. Putting up right around 90 points for the 3rd straight week, and 4th straight win, my team is surging heading into the playoffs. But will my indecisive management doom me in the playoffs? (like in my other league where Sunday morning I wisely dropped Shayne Graham and picked up Graham Gano?) ... On the other side of the two headed coin, Bradley's hopes of repeating as champ were dashed, as two losses in a row doomed him. Doooooooooooooomed him. His season fades to black....
Stabbed In The Hand 62.15 Avathong 85.21
No shorts for you!!!
Lemon Curry? 101.94 Ryan Grant's Ankle 73.22
Sean needed to score about 56 more points than he did to make the playoffs. But he didn't, so he didn't. His team seemed better than 6-8, but the standings don't lie. Maybe if he had Ryan Grant to start, things might have turned out differently. What ever happened to that guy anyhow? Hand injury, I think...
Despicable Falafel 96.31 The Foo Man Jew 120.77
Fitting that in the last week of the season, Falafel is still getting a bazillion points scored on him. I bet he'd be really pissed off if he was still alive right now. ... And don't get me started on Robby. With some more consistency, his team could've been a contender. But where is he? How can we find him? My guess - with the sketchy facial hair, he ended up on Megan's list.
Fighting Muschamps 74.20 Deez Bacon Balls 81.39
And this one ended up being a win-win for both "guys." Maine wins to get in the playoffs, and Steve loses to make the playoffs too and avoid the 1st Round Shaft. Everyone's happy! (At least for one week.)
Merry Playoffs/Festivus Everyone!!!
- The Commish
P.S. I'm working to cajole a playoff preview out of someone, so look for it in this space later this week.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Week 13 Recap: "Playoffs? PLAYOFFS?!?"
Kickoffs, handoffs, dropoffs,
leadoffs, liftoffs, blastoffs,
tradeoffs, selloffs, castoffs,
sendoffs, standoffs...playoffs.
OK, time to talk brass tax.... here are the playoff scenarios going into the last week of the regular season. (As always, the office of the commissioner makes no guarantees of the logic, math, or general accuracy of the following information. Also most of the office is pretty drunk right now.)
Counting down the hits, with everything as usual being about me....
1. Lemon Curry
In, with the undeserved #1 seed. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.
2. Sergeant Shaft
In, barring a cataclysmic change in total points. Will get the #2 seed with a win this week, the #4 seed with a loss. Fear the Shaft. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.
3. Enrico Palazzo
Win and In. Lose and he'll need a Disposable Heroes loss AND Ryan Grant's Ankle to either lose or end up with less points AND an adult diaper. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.
4. Disposable Heroes
Win and In. Lose and he'll need a Deez Bacon Balls loss AND a Ryan Grant's Ankle loss (barring a cataclysmic change in total points) AND Falafel to either lose or end up with less points AND a partridge in a pear tree. Luck..runs..out.
5. Deez Bacon Balls
Win and In. Lose and he'll need Disposable Heroes to lose and make up a 58 point difference in points AND a Ryan Grant's Ankle loss AND Falafel to either lose or make up a 72 point difference in points AND to recite the alphabet backwards while standing on his head patting his tummy and eating bacon. So..um...he probably shouldn't lose. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.
6. Ryan Grant's Ankle
Lose and he's out. Win and, barring the aforementioned cataclysmic change in total points, he'll just need a Disposable Heroes loss AND a Deez Bacon Balls loss. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week. (Also a belated Recap congrats to Sean and Mrs Sean, who are expecting their first child - a boy - in April! And extra kudos for proper planning - unlike Bradley and Brother Cole - so that he will still be able to make it to draft weekend. Thong should be taking notes.)
7. Despicable Falafel (aka The Walking Dead Falafel)
Lose and he's out. Win and he'll need to win on total points with a Disposable Heroes loss AND a Deez Bacon Balls loss AND a Ryan Grant's Ankle loss. But he's somehow still alive in this thing. Which is pretty crazy if you think about it. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.
8. Stabbed In The Hand
Lose and he's out. Win and he's out too, barring a yada yada yada total points. He would need a Hanukkah Miracle to make it. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.
9. The Foo Man Jew
Down and Out. Should have written some gay poetry - might have helped the karma.
10. Avathong
Out. He'll need a win AND a Foo Man Jew loss AND a Stabbed In The Hand loss making up 58 total points AND 2 more wins...then he'll get the jean shorts.
Good luck everyone!!! And thanks for cheering for me this week!!
- The Commish
leadoffs, liftoffs, blastoffs,
tradeoffs, selloffs, castoffs,
sendoffs, standoffs...playoffs.
OK, time to talk brass tax.... here are the playoff scenarios going into the last week of the regular season. (As always, the office of the commissioner makes no guarantees of the logic, math, or general accuracy of the following information. Also most of the office is pretty drunk right now.)
Counting down the hits, with everything as usual being about me....
1. Lemon Curry
In, with the undeserved #1 seed. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.
2. Sergeant Shaft
In, barring a cataclysmic change in total points. Will get the #2 seed with a win this week, the #4 seed with a loss. Fear the Shaft. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.
3. Enrico Palazzo
Win and In. Lose and he'll need a Disposable Heroes loss AND Ryan Grant's Ankle to either lose or end up with less points AND an adult diaper. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.
4. Disposable Heroes
Win and In. Lose and he'll need a Deez Bacon Balls loss AND a Ryan Grant's Ankle loss (barring a cataclysmic change in total points) AND Falafel to either lose or end up with less points AND a partridge in a pear tree. Luck..runs..out.
5. Deez Bacon Balls
Win and In. Lose and he'll need Disposable Heroes to lose and make up a 58 point difference in points AND a Ryan Grant's Ankle loss AND Falafel to either lose or make up a 72 point difference in points AND to recite the alphabet backwards while standing on his head patting his tummy and eating bacon. So..um...he probably shouldn't lose. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.
6. Ryan Grant's Ankle
Lose and he's out. Win and, barring the aforementioned cataclysmic change in total points, he'll just need a Disposable Heroes loss AND a Deez Bacon Balls loss. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week. (Also a belated Recap congrats to Sean and Mrs Sean, who are expecting their first child - a boy - in April! And extra kudos for proper planning - unlike Bradley and Brother Cole - so that he will still be able to make it to draft weekend. Thong should be taking notes.)
7. Despicable Falafel (aka The Walking Dead Falafel)
Lose and he's out. Win and he'll need to win on total points with a Disposable Heroes loss AND a Deez Bacon Balls loss AND a Ryan Grant's Ankle loss. But he's somehow still alive in this thing. Which is pretty crazy if you think about it. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.
8. Stabbed In The Hand
Lose and he's out. Win and he's out too, barring a yada yada yada total points. He would need a Hanukkah Miracle to make it. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.
9. The Foo Man Jew
Down and Out. Should have written some gay poetry - might have helped the karma.
10. Avathong
Out. He'll need a win AND a Foo Man Jew loss AND a Stabbed In The Hand loss making up 58 total points AND 2 more wins...then he'll get the jean shorts.
Good luck everyone!!! And thanks for cheering for me this week!!
- The Commish
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