Kickoffs, handoffs, dropoffs,
leadoffs, liftoffs, blastoffs,
tradeoffs, selloffs, castoffs,
sendoffs, standoffs...playoffs.
OK, time to talk brass tax.... here are the playoff scenarios going into the last week of the regular season. (As always, the office of the commissioner makes no guarantees of the logic, math, or general accuracy of the following information. Also most of the office is pretty drunk right now.)
Counting down the hits, with everything as usual being about me....
1. Lemon Curry
In, with the undeserved #1 seed. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.
2. Sergeant Shaft
In, barring a cataclysmic change in total points. Will get the #2 seed with a win this week, the #4 seed with a loss. Fear the Shaft. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.
3. Enrico Palazzo
Win and In. Lose and he'll need a Disposable Heroes loss AND Ryan Grant's Ankle to either lose or end up with less points AND an adult diaper. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.
4. Disposable Heroes
Win and In. Lose and he'll need a Deez Bacon Balls loss AND a Ryan Grant's Ankle loss (barring a cataclysmic change in total points) AND Falafel to either lose or end up with less points AND a partridge in a pear tree. Luck..runs..out.
5. Deez Bacon Balls
Win and In. Lose and he'll need Disposable Heroes to lose and make up a 58 point difference in points AND a Ryan Grant's Ankle loss AND Falafel to either lose or make up a 72 point difference in points AND to recite the alphabet backwards while standing on his head patting his tummy and eating bacon. So..um...he probably shouldn't lose. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.
6. Ryan Grant's Ankle
Lose and he's out. Win and, barring the aforementioned cataclysmic change in total points, he'll just need a Disposable Heroes loss AND a Deez Bacon Balls loss. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week. (Also a belated Recap congrats to Sean and Mrs Sean, who are expecting their first child - a boy - in April! And extra kudos for proper planning - unlike Bradley and Brother Cole - so that he will still be able to make it to draft weekend. Thong should be taking notes.)
7. Despicable Falafel (aka The Walking Dead Falafel)
Lose and he's out. Win and he'll need to win on total points with a Disposable Heroes loss AND a Deez Bacon Balls loss AND a Ryan Grant's Ankle loss. But he's somehow still alive in this thing. Which is pretty crazy if you think about it. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.
8. Stabbed In The Hand
Lose and he's out. Win and he's out too, barring a yada yada yada total points. He would need a Hanukkah Miracle to make it. Rooting for Sergeant Shaft to win this week.
9. The Foo Man Jew
Down and Out. Should have written some gay poetry - might have helped the karma.
10. Avathong
Out. He'll need a win AND a Foo Man Jew loss AND a Stabbed In The Hand loss making up 58 total points AND 2 more wins...then he'll get the jean shorts.
Good luck everyone!!! And thanks for cheering for me this week!!
- The Commish
