Long time, no 'cap. Hope everyone had a good 'n plenty Turkey Weekend. Around these parts, parity abounds, with no team having a worse record than 5-7 and only one lucky ass jerk having a record better than 7-5. So with the regular season winding down, we're overdue to take stock of everyone's situation. So let's recap the latest turn of events, stock-watch style....
Trending Up:
Sergeant Shaft
“You're excited? You should feel my nipples!” The time for being coy or quiet about this team is past. Your trusty Commish has the best damn team in the league. Period. And now that he's scratched and clawed his way up the standings after an unfathomable 1-4 start to the season, he's got the team to beat. (And just wait until Chris Johnson isn't playing with Rusty "Trombone" Smith.) Nobody wants a piece of this in the playoffs or otherwise. Fear the Shaft.
Stevie-G
"Hey, it's Enrico Palazzo!!!" Steve has won 3 of his last 4, and despite having 43 Quarterbacks on his team, has a very talented squad. (He collects more average quarterbacks than Urban Meyer). He's got a big showdown looming this weekend against Mazzle Tazzle that could very well determine which of them make the playoffs.
Falafelitis
"Jane: Goodyear? Frank: No, the worst. " In the too little, too late category, here comes Travis "Nordberg" Harrup! Despite giving up on his team a month ago, paying next to no attention to anything, and chalking up only 8 transactions all year, the unsinkable Falafel has won 3 in a row to play the ultimate league spoiler. Is he still mathematically alive for the playoffs? I dunno, that would require math. Probably not though. Still, kudos or something.
Mazzle Tazzle
"Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through." Two wins in a row and Bradley's #1 power poll ranked team is poised for another run at the Chicken Bone cup. Is is team actually any good though? I just stared at his roster for 15 minutes straight, and still have no bloody idea. He's spotting dimes, he's eating onions, I don't know what's going on!
Even, Shirley:
Liz Lemon
"Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes." The diminutive Brother Cole is riding his early season success all the way to the playoffs, despite his .500 record over his last 8 games. (Hey look ma, real analysis!) His fortunes lie with the success of Michael Vick, whose names coincidentally rhymes with Michael Dick.
Baldy McBalderson
"I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!" He's been up and down all season, in the playoffs one week, out of the playoffs the next. Sitting at 6-6, Sean is a mess of insecurity, indecision, and indigestion.
Trending Down:
Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon's Balls
"Dutch Gunderson: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Frank: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith."
Loser of 2 in a row after an insane run of good fortune, Maine could finish with the number 1 seed in the playoffs or end up smack in the middle of the consolation bracket. There's just no telling with him. Good thing he'll be too tired, drunk, or both to care.
Loser of 2 in a row after an insane run of good fortune, Maine could finish with the number 1 seed in the playoffs or end up smack in the middle of the consolation bracket. There's just no telling with him. Good thing he'll be too tired, drunk, or both to care.
Avathong/MFrank
"Rich: There's something wrong with your fantasy team, and we need to fix it right away.
Mike: My fantasy team?! What is it?
Rich: It's a fake football team full of crappy players, but that's not important right now."
These guys get lumped completely together, as neither of their teams are any good and they've lost a combined 8 games in a row between them. They are both exactly where they belong.
Foo Man Jew
"Frank: Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?
Jane: He’s Caucasian.
Ed: Caucasian?
Jane: Yeah, you know, a white guy. A mustache. About six-foot-three.
Frank: Awfully big mustache."
And Don't Call Me Shirley,
- The Commish
