Hey everybody. Hope you all are having a great holiday season, stuffing yourselves silly, enjoying the last vestiges of football, and generally enjoying some festive downtime. Thanks for another ridiculous season of fantasy football. Time to dole out a few year-end awards around here.
Best Team Name: The Electric Bacon - just makes me happy inside
Worst Team Name: The Goy's Teeth - worst Coen Brothers' reference yet
Best Draft Pick: Wes Welker, 5th Round, Falafel
Worst Draft Pick: Rashard Mendenhall, 1st Round, Commish
Best Message Board Quote: "I'm going to enjoy barely eeking out a win against you and your half-roster this week. If I somehow lose, I will rape a squirrel." - Steve
Worst Message Board Quote: "I want a Toyota Medal" - Sean
Best English Major: Steve, for the proper and hilarious use of the word "septuagenarian"
Worst English Major: Falafel, for not knowing the difference between Clenched and Clinched
Best Luck: Brother Cole (10th year in a row)
Worst Luck: Mike Frank, who had the 2nd highest point total, but finished his usual 7-7
Best Waiver Wire Pickup: Falafel, Cam Newton
Worst Waiver Wire Pickup: Your Moms
Dennis Northcutt Memorial Worst Waiver Wire Pickup: Nate Burleson, multiple people
Waiver Wire Champ: Steve, regaining his crown
Waiver Wire Chump: Thong, tha thong thong thong
Best Cinematography: Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
Worst Cinematography: Robby's underground porno vido, which includes a goat, fishnet stockings, baby oil, and $240 worth of pudding.
Poster of the Year: A solid year for posting all around, as everyone picked up their games. This year's award has to go to Steve-o though, as he is clearly insane, and I'd be risking my life in giving it to anyone else.
Mr Irrelevant: Bradley
Peace Out,
- The Commish
Friday, December 23, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Playoff Recap/Preview Extravaganza
So it all comes down to this: an unpredictable season, capped by an unwanted championship game. But how did we get to this unimaginable place? Let's throw our hands up and find out...
A Tiger in Africa? 117.27 The Electric Bacon 108.36
"More Than Meets The Eye Of The Tiger"
Thanks to San Francisco and their city's Transformers, BrotherCole shot right past Maine on Monday night to pull off the unlikely upset. Even though oddsmakers (ok...Sean and I) only gave Michael a 30%-35% shot at winning going into yesterday, Frank Gore and the Niner D took care of business. He also got big contributions from CJ Spiller and Aaron Hernandez, who both had their best fantasy days ever. So, in conclusion...the luck on this motherfucker!!! .... In the other corner, sits Maine and the Green Bay Packers, fortunes intertwined, sobbing into bacon and cheese with the rest of Wisconsin. It was a great season though, and no matter how you slice it, Maine was able to successfully ignore his wife and daughters much more than he or they thought possible. And that's gotta count for something.
Falafel 1st Seed 105.19 Team of Density 87.15
"The Bad Seed"
So Falafel puts up his usual 105-ish and makes it to the championship game free and easy-like. Being the first seed has its privileges, and in this case it was not having to go up against Maine or Michael, both of whom would have beaten him. Instead he got poor old Steve, who had been playing over his head so long, his arms were about to fall off. (Or something.) When the star of your team in the playoffs is Donald Brown, then you know you got issues. Time for Steve to gear up for the all-important 3rd place game. Meanwhile, Falafel is already starting to worry about his lineup for this weekend. Hope he doesn't choose the wrong starters at the worst time.
We now interrupt this regularly scheduled recap for a Jean Shorts update...
Jean Shorts Update 2011!!!
It's down to Robby and Mike Frank in the consolation bracket. Personally, I'm rooting for Mike, as his legs would look terrific in a pair of cutoffs. Mmmm... Happy Hanukkah guys!
Championship Game Preview Extravaganza
Falafel(-3.5) vs. BrotherCole
So Yahoo has Travis favored by a bit, but their projections are about as reliable as Steve on a rainy day. So let's break this down, Dr. Jack-style:
QB
Both Cam Newton and Matt Ryan are coming off big weeks and have easy matchups. But a slight nod has to go to Cam, with his running ability and his Tampa opponent appearing to have quit on the season. Small Advantage: Falafel
WR
The big question here, is will Travis somehow fit Mike Wallace back into his lineup, and if so, who does he sit? Either way, Wes Welker and Roddy White give him 2 great studs, with two good matchups. Michael has depth at wide-out too, but with Fitzgerald on the road outdoors, Jordy Nelson going up against the Bears defense, and Laurent Robinson going against the Eagles all-star secondary, he's looking at a tougher road for his guys. Advantage: Falafel
RB
Looking at Running Backs, it's hard to see how Falafel won't be favored here as well. French Sean McCoy has been putting up MVP stats the past month and Beanie Wells has been putting up stats too. Throw in the potential of Bradshaw in the flex spot, and you have a tough trio. However, all of them are on the road, Wells has been fighting a knee injury, Bradshaw splits carries with Jacobs, and McCoy is due for a bad game. Still, they're better than Gore and Spiller, despite what those guys just did in Week 15. Advantage: Falafel
TE
Aaron Hernandez is clearly better than anything Travis has. Advantage: Michael
K
Akers gets the slight nod over Crosby, but who the fuck knows? These are kickers we're talking about. Advantage: Even
DEF
Michael's Niners defense has been hot lately and is going against a one-dimensional Seattle offense. Meanwhile, The Jets defense is good, but can be exploited by the right offense, which in this case, is the Giants. Advantage: Michael
Overall, after looking at everything, it's clear that Falafel is the big favorite going into this weekend. It's hard to see how he is going to lose.
Prediction: Falafel 101 BrotherCole 88
Final Thoughts: Contrary to popular opinion, I'll be rooting for my brother this weekend. Sure, he's an asshole, but he's my asshole. Plus, he's been quasi-humble about his team this year, you know, for him. So go bro. I guess...
Hope everyone has an awesome Festivus, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, New Year’s, or whatever!
- The Commish
A Tiger in Africa? 117.27 The Electric Bacon 108.36"More Than Meets The Eye Of The Tiger"
Thanks to San Francisco and their city's Transformers, BrotherCole shot right past Maine on Monday night to pull off the unlikely upset. Even though oddsmakers (ok...Sean and I) only gave Michael a 30%-35% shot at winning going into yesterday, Frank Gore and the Niner D took care of business. He also got big contributions from CJ Spiller and Aaron Hernandez, who both had their best fantasy days ever. So, in conclusion...the luck on this motherfucker!!! .... In the other corner, sits Maine and the Green Bay Packers, fortunes intertwined, sobbing into bacon and cheese with the rest of Wisconsin. It was a great season though, and no matter how you slice it, Maine was able to successfully ignore his wife and daughters much more than he or they thought possible. And that's gotta count for something.
Falafel 1st Seed 105.19 Team of Density 87.15"The Bad Seed"
So Falafel puts up his usual 105-ish and makes it to the championship game free and easy-like. Being the first seed has its privileges, and in this case it was not having to go up against Maine or Michael, both of whom would have beaten him. Instead he got poor old Steve, who had been playing over his head so long, his arms were about to fall off. (Or something.) When the star of your team in the playoffs is Donald Brown, then you know you got issues. Time for Steve to gear up for the all-important 3rd place game. Meanwhile, Falafel is already starting to worry about his lineup for this weekend. Hope he doesn't choose the wrong starters at the worst time.
We now interrupt this regularly scheduled recap for a Jean Shorts update...Jean Shorts Update 2011!!!
It's down to Robby and Mike Frank in the consolation bracket. Personally, I'm rooting for Mike, as his legs would look terrific in a pair of cutoffs. Mmmm... Happy Hanukkah guys!
Championship Game Preview Extravaganza
Falafel(-3.5) vs. BrotherCole
So Yahoo has Travis favored by a bit, but their projections are about as reliable as Steve on a rainy day. So let's break this down, Dr. Jack-style:
QB
Both Cam Newton and Matt Ryan are coming off big weeks and have easy matchups. But a slight nod has to go to Cam, with his running ability and his Tampa opponent appearing to have quit on the season. Small Advantage: Falafel
WR
The big question here, is will Travis somehow fit Mike Wallace back into his lineup, and if so, who does he sit? Either way, Wes Welker and Roddy White give him 2 great studs, with two good matchups. Michael has depth at wide-out too, but with Fitzgerald on the road outdoors, Jordy Nelson going up against the Bears defense, and Laurent Robinson going against the Eagles all-star secondary, he's looking at a tougher road for his guys. Advantage: Falafel
RB
Looking at Running Backs, it's hard to see how Falafel won't be favored here as well. French Sean McCoy has been putting up MVP stats the past month and Beanie Wells has been putting up stats too. Throw in the potential of Bradshaw in the flex spot, and you have a tough trio. However, all of them are on the road, Wells has been fighting a knee injury, Bradshaw splits carries with Jacobs, and McCoy is due for a bad game. Still, they're better than Gore and Spiller, despite what those guys just did in Week 15. Advantage: Falafel
TE
Aaron Hernandez is clearly better than anything Travis has. Advantage: Michael
K
Akers gets the slight nod over Crosby, but who the fuck knows? These are kickers we're talking about. Advantage: Even
DEF
Michael's Niners defense has been hot lately and is going against a one-dimensional Seattle offense. Meanwhile, The Jets defense is good, but can be exploited by the right offense, which in this case, is the Giants. Advantage: Michael
Overall, after looking at everything, it's clear that Falafel is the big favorite going into this weekend. It's hard to see how he is going to lose.
Prediction: Falafel 101 BrotherCole 88
Final Thoughts: Contrary to popular opinion, I'll be rooting for my brother this weekend. Sure, he's an asshole, but he's my asshole. Plus, he's been quasi-humble about his team this year, you know, for him. So go bro. I guess...
Hope everyone has an awesome Festivus, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, New Year’s, or whatever!
- The Commish
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Week 13 Recap - Playoff Scenarios
One week to go, and a silly number of teams are still in it. That's the good news. The bad news is I have to figure out the playoff scenarios for this shit. Here we go...
*1. Falafel 1st Seed 10-3-0
He's in like Donkey Kong. Everyone is rooting for him this week, and nobody is rooting for him after this week.
*2. The Electric Bacon 8-5-0
Clinched the 2nd seed. This week is more irrelevant to Maine than the vegetable options at a breakfast buffet.
3. A Tiger in Africa? 7-6-0
Beat Falafel this week and he's in. Lose and he would need an extremely unlikely point differential help to make it. Basically, he would need to outscore the winner of Robby and Rich, if Steve loses, or if Steve wins, then he would need to outscore the winner of that or the winner of Brad/Mike, unless it's a full moon, carry the 7...er.....ok...fuck it...Lose and he's out.
Disclaimer: Due to the unlikely event of large swings in point differentials, plus my laziness, all remaining playoff analysis, unless otherwise stated below by the undersigned, follows the existing point differential paradigm listed in the current league standings esquire.
4. Team of Density 7-6-0
All Steve has to do is beat the last place team to advance to the playoffs. That's it. That's all. He's got it made in the shade. Lose, however, and he's out. But why even think like that? He's got it. No problem. Go Steve!!!!!! Make us proud!!!
5/6. The Goy's Teeth 6-7-0 / FrayedEndsofSanity 6-7-0
The loser of this matchup is D-U-N, done. The winner definitely makes the playoffs with BOTH Steve and BrotherCole losing. If only one of them loses, then to make it, the Brad/MFrank winner needs to stay ahead of the Robby/Rich winner in total points and recite the alphabet while hopping backwards in a straight line.
7/8. The Choot Spas 6-7-0 / Captain Amerithong 6-7-0
The loser of this matchup is out, drinking egg-nog in their underwear on the couch while the playoffs are starting. The winner definitely makes the playoffs with BOTH Steve and BrotherCole losing. If only one of them loses, then to make it, the Robby/Rich winner needs to move ahead of the Brad/MFrank winner in total points and fist a midget under the mistletoe.
9. Major Blowhard 6-7-0
I'll be back.
10. Clinched Last Place 3-10-0
The team name speaks for itself. Happy Hanukkah, Seanie!
Good night and good luck,
The Commish
*1. Falafel 1st Seed 10-3-0
He's in like Donkey Kong. Everyone is rooting for him this week, and nobody is rooting for him after this week.
*2. The Electric Bacon 8-5-0
Clinched the 2nd seed. This week is more irrelevant to Maine than the vegetable options at a breakfast buffet.
3. A Tiger in Africa? 7-6-0
Beat Falafel this week and he's in. Lose and he would need an extremely unlikely point differential help to make it. Basically, he would need to outscore the winner of Robby and Rich, if Steve loses, or if Steve wins, then he would need to outscore the winner of that or the winner of Brad/Mike, unless it's a full moon, carry the 7...er.....ok...fuck it...Lose and he's out.
Disclaimer: Due to the unlikely event of large swings in point differentials, plus my laziness, all remaining playoff analysis, unless otherwise stated below by the undersigned, follows the existing point differential paradigm listed in the current league standings esquire.
4. Team of Density 7-6-0
All Steve has to do is beat the last place team to advance to the playoffs. That's it. That's all. He's got it made in the shade. Lose, however, and he's out. But why even think like that? He's got it. No problem. Go Steve!!!!!! Make us proud!!!
5/6. The Goy's Teeth 6-7-0 / FrayedEndsofSanity 6-7-0
The loser of this matchup is D-U-N, done. The winner definitely makes the playoffs with BOTH Steve and BrotherCole losing. If only one of them loses, then to make it, the Brad/MFrank winner needs to stay ahead of the Robby/Rich winner in total points and recite the alphabet while hopping backwards in a straight line.
7/8. The Choot Spas 6-7-0 / Captain Amerithong 6-7-0
The loser of this matchup is out, drinking egg-nog in their underwear on the couch while the playoffs are starting. The winner definitely makes the playoffs with BOTH Steve and BrotherCole losing. If only one of them loses, then to make it, the Robby/Rich winner needs to move ahead of the Brad/MFrank winner in total points and fist a midget under the mistletoe.
9. Major Blowhard 6-7-0
I'll be back.
10. Clinched Last Place 3-10-0
The team name speaks for itself. Happy Hanukkah, Seanie!
Good night and good luck,
The Commish
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