Week 10 News and Notes

Some mid-week quick-hitters for you all...

- I apologize on behalf of Yahoo's web site, which is more untrustworthy than Robby in a classroom of 11-year-old boys.

- Not only is Steve in 1st place, he won 500 bucks betting on football in Vegas.  He also leads the Totoya medal count, which earns him 5 cents if he already has a nickel.

- Travis is 3rd in the medal count, but 8th in the standings.  Which means he's been trying really hard.  Good effort Travis!!!

- Robby is on pace to shatter the league record for hardest schedule, averaging over 100 points against.  He's also on pace to shatter his own skull with a hammer.

 - Thong has defied the odds and is now 6-4.  Does anyone want to bet me that he doesn't go 1-3 in the last 4 games?

- Mike Frank has come back down to earth, losing 3 in a row.  But Happy Birthday to him anyhow!!!

- Robby has checked out faster than if he had a dead male underage hooker in his hotel room. 

- Nice job on the recap last week Maine.  You could totally get a job working for Jay Leno.

- I'd love nothing more than to beat my brother this weekend and knock him out of the playoff picture.  which pretty much guarantees it's not going to happen.

- In other Brother Cole news, he's running a goddamn marathon this weekend. A rare sincere good luck to him!  That's pretty awesome. 

- Further evidence of Robby's disinterest - he's also leading the league in Least Amount of Points From Post-Draft Acquisitions.  He's made less moves than Stephen Hawking.  (Too busy making moves on Justin Bieber.)

- Brad has won 3 in a row and is now within striking distance of the playoffs.

- Maine lost and is now within striking distance of false hope.

- Fuck Joe Flacco.

The End,
The Commish

Week 9 Substitute Recap

Jason didn't want the pressure of having to follow his magnum recap opus, so he trotted me out to provide a buffer. Some call this passing the buck, but I call it my annual opportunity to lash out at others' misfortunes because I'm obviously hurting inside. I relish the forum. Let's take it from the top.

Private Privates vs. Thongmetheus

I enjoy Rich's gimmick where he sticks his name into one blockbuster movie every year. Not only is it clever, but it's also strikingly prescient because his team tends to perform about as well as the movie does. For example, two years ago, when he was Avathong, he put together a team that was easy on the eyes but turned out to be pretty forgettable in retrospect. And last year, as Captain Amerithong, he improved slightly and provided some excitement but turned out to just be a launching pad for more successful franchises.

This year, as Thongmetheus, he started out the season looking great, but questions rose about whether or not his team made sense when you really thought about it and eventually we all decided that by the end of the summer, a few other teams were a little better. Rich, if you want to win the cup in 2013, I'd recommend avoiding RoboThong and Iron Thong 3. My two cents.

Meanwhile, what has to be said about this matchup? After his performance Sunday, Doug Martin was lucky to get home without facing a few rape charges. Between his 4 touchdowns and the Bears defense, nothing was going to stop Jason this week. I mean... he's getting away with starting Malcolm Floyd for chrissakes. What a beating from Jason. If you're going to be in first place, these kinds of wins are going to keep you there.

Larry's Homework vs. Twas The Middle One

As of this writing, Eli Manning is still on the 40 yard line of MetLife Stadium finishing up his massive dump. I'm starting to get concerned that he'll pass out from dehydration, but clearly, his capacity for rear evacuation knows very few bounds and that unfortunately played a major role in the Mike Bowl going into Monday night. Too bad for Mike Frank that nobody on his team stepped up to take advantage. Not even Pierre Thomas, who somehow lost carries and a TD to Chris Ivory.

Despite his well crafted and balanced roster, Brother Cole's team is hovering around .500. It should be noted however, that the Middle One has won, what, three in a row now, and is desperately climbing toward relevance. And a win against a team that's ahead of him in the standings (and falling) is only going to help.

Free Pussy Riot vs. Duck Butter

Here's how you know your season is going so well that you're probably going to need a laxative to help crap out the horseshoe up your ass. When Tom Brady goes on bye, and you trot out Josh Freeman and don't miss a beat? You're doing okay. You can relax. You've got this. 7 and 2 is a great place to be.

Josh Freeman looks like a guy who would aggressively try and sell you fruit at a stoplight and guarantee you that his mangoes are better than the ones you'd get at the supermarket. It takes a special kind of fantasy mojo to be winning with that cat in your lineup.

Conversely, here's how you know you got the horse's hoof in your ass instead of his shoe. When you have a roster like Robby's... with the great HOF QB, the most talented receiver in the game, the best RB in the game, the up and coming backup QB, the deep threats, the scoring TE, only two Dolphins, etc... and you're 1 and 8? What's up?

That's when you look at the standings and see that Pts Against column and say, "Oh... oh, man, that sucks." Sorry, Robby. It's not your fault. It's NOT your fault! This week's loss came from Mikel LeShoure's career day. And Brandon Marshall's career day. And Adrian Peterson's... day. And the world's most football-competent fruit salesman. Don't blame yourself for anything but starting Anthony Fasano.

Bacon Cthulhu vs. Overpaid QB's

And now a quick visit to the Land of Mediocrity. Neither team scored any points. None of the players performed well enough for their moms' to proudly wear their jerseys in the stadium on game day. I'm only talking about this matchup because I'm required to. Ain't no champions here!

By the way, here's how you know the Cthuluhu is bad. Most times you look at a fantasy roster, you think, "Man, if that was the offense for my real team, we'd be, like, 14 and 2." When you look at the Cthulhu lineup, you think, "they need to take that high draft pick and trade down so they can fill out more holes in the roster." It's not a good feeling. I'll cop to it. I blame the benched Michael Vick. He's a locker room cancer.

And Sean probably shouldn't feel any better. His team scored fewer points this week than Doug Martin and Matt Bryant did.

Sad but True vs. Hurricane Falafel

Both teams are 4 and 5 after the only close matchup of the week. Most players did about as they were expected, except the mercurial Eric Decker who scored 18 points and sounds like the lead character in an 80's TV show about a cop who solves crimes with a snake and a motorcycle. Eric Decker doesn't play to his expectations. He plays by his own rules. And of course his nemesis was going to be Victor Cruz. Of course.

Not sure either of these teams are playoff bound, but Brad's team still has some big game potential. The season's still young. Or teenaged, maybe.