Jason didn't want the pressure of
having to follow his magnum recap opus, so he trotted me out to provide a
buffer. Some call this passing the buck, but I call it my annual
opportunity to lash out at others' misfortunes because I'm obviously
hurting inside. I relish the forum. Let's take it from the top.
Private Privates vs.
Thongmetheus
I
enjoy Rich's gimmick where he sticks his name into one blockbuster movie
every year. Not only is it clever, but it's also strikingly prescient
because his team tends to perform about as well as the movie does. For
example, two years ago, when he was Avathong, he put together a team
that was easy on the eyes but turned out to be pretty forgettable in
retrospect. And last year, as Captain Amerithong, he improved slightly
and provided some excitement but turned out to just be a launching pad
for more successful franchises.
This year, as Thongmetheus, he
started out the season looking great, but questions rose about whether
or not his team made sense when you really thought about it and
eventually we all decided that by the end of the summer, a few other
teams were a little better. Rich, if you want to win the cup in 2013,
I'd recommend avoiding RoboThong and Iron Thong 3. My two cents.
Meanwhile, what has to be said about
this matchup? After his performance Sunday, Doug Martin was lucky to
get home without facing a few rape charges. Between his 4 touchdowns and
the Bears defense, nothing was going to stop Jason this week. I mean...
he's getting away with starting Malcolm Floyd for chrissakes. What a
beating from Jason. If you're going to be in first place, these kinds of
wins are going to keep you there.
Larry's Homework vs. Twas The Middle One
As of this writing, Eli Manning is
still on the 40 yard line of MetLife Stadium finishing up his massive
dump. I'm starting to get concerned that he'll pass out from
dehydration, but clearly, his capacity for rear evacuation knows very
few bounds and that unfortunately played a major role in the Mike Bowl
going into Monday night. Too bad for Mike Frank that nobody on his team
stepped up to take advantage. Not even Pierre Thomas, who somehow lost
carries and a TD to Chris Ivory.
Despite his well crafted and balanced
roster, Brother Cole's team is hovering around .500. It should be noted
however, that the Middle One has won, what, three in a row now, and is
desperately climbing toward relevance. And a win against a team that's
ahead of him in the standings (and falling) is only going to help.
Free Pussy Riot vs. Duck Butter
Here's how
you know your season is going so well that you're probably going to need
a laxative to help crap out the horseshoe up your ass. When Tom Brady
goes on bye, and you trot out Josh Freeman and don't miss a beat? You're
doing okay. You can relax. You've got this. 7 and 2 is a great place to
be.
Josh Freeman looks
like a guy who would aggressively try and sell you fruit at a stoplight
and guarantee you that his mangoes are better than the ones you'd get at
the supermarket. It takes a special kind of fantasy mojo to be winning
with that cat in your lineup.
Conversely, here's how you know you
got the horse's hoof in your ass instead of his shoe. When you have a
roster like Robby's... with the great HOF QB, the most talented receiver
in the game, the best RB in the game, the up and coming backup QB, the
deep threats, the scoring TE, only two Dolphins, etc... and you're 1 and
8? What's up?
That's when
you look at the standings and see that Pts Against column and say,
"Oh... oh, man, that sucks." Sorry, Robby. It's not your fault. It's NOT
your fault! This week's loss came from Mikel LeShoure's career day. And
Brandon Marshall's career day. And Adrian Peterson's... day. And the
world's most football-competent fruit salesman. Don't blame yourself for
anything but starting Anthony Fasano.
Bacon Cthulhu vs. Overpaid QB's
And now a
quick visit to the Land of Mediocrity. Neither team scored any points.
None of the players performed well enough for their moms' to proudly
wear their jerseys in the stadium on game day. I'm only talking about
this matchup because I'm required to. Ain't no champions here!
By the way, here's how you know the
Cthuluhu is bad. Most times you look at a fantasy roster, you think,
"Man, if that was the offense for my real team, we'd be, like, 14 and
2." When you look at the Cthulhu lineup, you think, "they need to take
that high draft pick and trade down so they can fill out more holes in
the roster." It's not a good feeling. I'll cop to it. I blame the
benched Michael Vick. He's a locker room cancer.
And Sean probably shouldn't feel any
better. His team scored fewer points this week than Doug Martin and Matt
Bryant did.
Sad but True vs. Hurricane
Falafel
Both teams
are 4 and 5 after the only close matchup of the week. Most players did
about as they were expected, except the mercurial Eric Decker who scored
18 points and sounds like the lead character in an 80's TV show about a
cop who solves crimes with a snake and a motorcycle. Eric Decker
doesn't play to his expectations. He plays by his own rules. And of
course his nemesis was going to be Victor Cruz. Of course.
Not sure either of these teams are
playoff bound, but Brad's team still has some big game potential. The
season's still young. Or teenaged, maybe.
