Private Privates Kicks Overpaid QBs Ass to Grab First
Place
Private Privates (6-2, 736.25
points) claims the mantle as the league’s overlord after beating Overpaid QBs
(ninth place, no hope) 103.17 - 85.36. They also put up the highest point total
in the league this week, putting everyone and their mothers to shame. Overpaid
QBs can't find any answers, is on a four-game losing streak, and is bald.
Matthew Stafford racked up the second-highest score in the league this week
with 29.84 points for Overpaid QBs, adding an ironic twist to his losing team’s
name. Overpaid QBs are now currently the
third-most ironic team in the league, trailing only Larry’s Homework and Sad
But True.
Private Privates Smooth Moves
- Doug Martin had 26.27 points, the highest RB score of
the week and the second-highest RB score in the league this season. He looks like Ray Rice, only not really.
- LeSean McCoy had 16.47 points, the second-highest score
among RBs in the league this week.
He is awesome even though the Eagles suck.
- Stevan Ridley had the fourth-highest score among RBs in
the league this week with 14.47 points.
He ate fish and chips for 4 out of his 5 dinners in London.
- Private Privates shaved their crotch. They are like a Ken doll down there.
Overpaid QBs Regret Tracker
- Overpaid QBs picked up Brent Celek, who then fell short
of his 4.38-point projection by falling asleep on the team bus and missing
the game.
- The Minnesota Vikings Defense scored the fewest points
in the league with -3.00 and caused the Overpaid QBs to switch over to
watch Parks and Recreation by the middle of the second quarter. Parks and Recreation is the second-funniest
sitcom on Television.
- The RBs for Overpaid QBs got outscored 57.21 - 19.86 by
the RBs for Private Privates, leaving the Overpaid QBs to wonder where it
all went wrong on draft day.
- It was a season-low 2.33 points for Reggie Bush this
week. It was a season-high
ass-kicking of the Jets by the Dolphins.
- Of the 10 starters on Overpaid QBs, 6 underperformed
versus their projections, 2 over-performed, 1 sub-performed, and 1 averagely-performed.
What If
- If Private Privates played Overpaid QBs every week,
they would be 7-1 this season and not invited over to watch the Overpaid
QBs Direct TV anymore.
- Private Privates would have been undefeated if they
played every team in the league this week.
So suck on that.
- Had they played each other last week, Private Privates
would have defeated Overpaid QBs 75.47 - 75.19. This is the third-most useless statistic
in this recap.
- If Private Privates had played every team in the league
each week, they would be 47-25. They
would trail only the San Francisco Giants in the NL West.
- Besides Private Privates, Overpaid QBs would have been
defeated by four other teams this week.
So that’s something, we guess.
- If they played every team every week, Overpaid QBs
would be 21-51 and would somehow fall to eleventh place.
Game Notes
- Three of the six losses for Overpaid QBs this season
have come when their opponent scores higher than their season average if
you factor in fractional points.
Which you shouldn’t.
- With the loss, Overpaid QBs has the longest losing
streak in the league, stretching back four straight games. He also has the shortest erection in the
league, stretching out four straight inches.
- Although Private Privates won, it was no thanks to
Dwayne Bowe, who scored 4.33 points and has now scored below his
projection in three straight weeks.
Dwayne Bowe wants to be traded this week and has now called his
agent 47 times in the past 23 days.
- Private Privates got 77.5% of their points from players
they drafted in a sleep-deprived stupor.
- The margin of victory of 17.81 points was the
second-highest margin in the league this week, thus the aforementioned
ass-kicking.
Bacon Cthulhu Gets Win Against Larry's Homework, And By Proxy, The Man
Bacon Cthulhu (seventh place, 3-5,
698.82 points, false hope) pushes Larry's Homework (6-2, 731.05 points, pushing
40) out of first place after “beating” them 94.27 - 82.93. Rob Gronkowski led Bacon Cthulhu with 2 rediculous
touchdown dances while Sebastian Janikowski ate an entire roast pig for his
pregame meal. With this win, Bacon Cthulhu scored 1.2% more than projected and
has now beaten himself off three weeks running. Larry's Homework was led by the
Miami Dolphins Fighting Cameron Wakes with 22.00 points and Drew Brees who
scored 14.39, but secretly kind of sucked this week.
Bacon Cthulhu Smooth Moves
- Rob Gronkowski brought in 21.73 points, which was good
enough to bed the ninth ranked porn-star in Vivid’s roster.
- The 14.00 points by Sebastian Janikowski topped a
projected 8.25, extending his overachievement streak to three weeks, and
earning him his third straight overachievement steak.
- With 12.27 points, Matt Forte ranked eighth in scoring
among all RBs in the league this week, which is what he should be doing
every week Bacon Cthulhu says goddammit.
- Bacon Cthulhu won even though he secretly prefers
Santana’s “Smooth” to Michael Jackson’s “Smooth Criminal.”
Larry's Homework Regret Tracker
- Picked up and started Rashad Jennings, who then scored
below his 10.18-point projection with 5.67 points, much to Overpaid QBs
joy.
- Tony Gonzalez was last on the team in scoring with 1.93
points, 29.4% of his projected 6.56, which is his lowest percentage of the
season. He is 86 years old.
- Larry's Homework was dominated at the TE position, which
is how he likes it.
- Of the 10 starters on Larry's Homework, 7
underperformed versus their projections. But 10 out of 10 starters love their
mommas very much.
What If
- Bacon Cthulhu would be 2-6 and even more bitter if they
played Larry's Homework every week.
- Besides Larry's Homework, Bacon Cthulhu would have defeated
five other teams this week including you.
- If Bacon Cthulhu had played every team in the league
each week, they would be 36-36, equivalent to a buck average percentage.
- Besides Bacon Cthulhu, Larry's Homework would have been
defeated by five midgets this week.
- Bacon Cthulhu would have lost to Larry's Homework
101.74 - 98.43 had they played each other last week. That is still useless to know.
- If they played the same schedule as Bacon Cthulhu,
Larry's Homework would be 2-5. Which
is mathematically impossible after Week 8.
The fuck?
- Larry's Homework would be 45-27 if they played every
team every week. Also impossible.
Game Notes
- Bacon Cthulhu beat their scoring projection for the
fifth time this season by scoring 94.27 points against a projected 93.13.
They have now overachieved three weeks in a row, but alas not in life.
- Bacon Cthulhu was able to cover the 8.61-point spread
in the win. Vegas lost money on
this one.
- Larry's Homework had their three-game win streak
snapped back to reality in the loss.
- Although Bacon Cthulhu won, it was no thanks to Hakeem
Nicks, who scored 3.07 points and has now scored below his projection in
three straight weeks. Fookin bum!!!
- DeSean Jackson scored 3.93 points against a projected
5.86 in the win, and has now scored below his projection in three straight
games. This fucker too!!
- Bacon Cthulhu got 73.5% of their points from players
they drafted. That figure does not
include the 17 kickers he drafted.
'Twas the Middle One Gets Victory over Hurricane Falafel, Climbs to Fifth
Place
In spite of finishing with just the
eighth-highest point total in the league this week, 'Twas the Middle One (4-4,
656.24 points, bastard) managed to take down Hurricane Sandy Falafel, 77.05 -
64.10. 'Twas the Middle One got damn lucky, but also came close to hitting
their 82.03-point season average (93.9%).
So not only lucky, but predictably bad. 'Twas the Middle One once gave a genie a blow
job, helping them reach fifth place even though they rank just eighth in total
points. It was a rough outing for Hurricane Falafel, who fell to 4-4 (648.28
points) while also ending up ninth in points and first in douchebaggery.
'Twas the Middle One Smooth Moves
- With 14.80 points, Julio Jones ranked fifth in the
league in scoring among WRs this week and first among WRs who sound like evil
villains in a Spanish telenovela.
- The 11.13 points scored by Jason Witten was the
second-highest point total among TEs without a spleen.
- 'Twas the Middle One was able to pull out his dick just
enough with only 4 of their 10 starters exceeding their projected points.
- With 5.47 points versus a projected 4.14, Alex Green
exceeded his scoring projection by 32.1% and the talent on the rest of the
Packers by -14.6%.
Hurricane Falafel Regret Tracker
- Left Lawrence Tynes on the bench, where he scored a
shitload of points.
- Hurricane Falafel picked up Mason Crosby, who scored
6.00 points, which are fewer points than a shitload.
- Hurricane Falafel had too much time on his hands during
Hurricane Sandy, so decided he needed MORE KICKERS!
- The 1.53 points scored by Victor Cruz was the lowest
total in the matchup and 16.6% of his projected point total of 9.19, which
was no match for the sinister doings of his evil twin Julio Jones.
- The Arizona Cardinals Defense has now failed to reach
their projection for four straight games. And the league has now failed to
care.
What If
- If 'Twas the Middle One played Hurricane Falafel every
week, they would be 4-4 this season.
And we would all be happy that one of them would lose every week.
- 'Twas the Middle One would have beaten only one other
team besides Hurricane Falafel this week – the Washington Generals.
- 'Twas the Middle One would have defeated Hurricane
Falafel 96.68 - 54.02 had they played each other last week. Really?
This stat again?
- If they played the same schedule as Hurricane Falafel,
'Twas the Middle One would be 2-5.
Of course they would.
- If 'Twas the Middle One had played every team in the
league each week, they would be 29-43.
They would also get divorced due to tracking too many games at
once.
- Besides 'Twas the Middle One, Hurricane Falafel would
have been defeated by seven other teams this week. He also would have been defeated by
inertia. Get up off the fuckin
couch for a change, fatty!
- Pigs flew?
Game Notes
- Even though Hurricane Falafel lost, they had two
players score higher than the leading scorer for 'Twas the Middle One. That was the fifth-biggest moral victory
this season.
- 'Twas the Middle One covered the 4.52-point spread,
winning by 12.95 points. He also
covered the spread at his local Denny’s.
- Despite being on the winning team, Eli Manning had a
season-low 2.04 points against a projected 15.69 and has now underachieved
in three straight games and in his family.
- The loss was the third humiliating loss in a row for
Hurricane Falafel.
- With 37.61 points, 'Twas the Middle One got the highest
combined scoring output from the WR position for any horribly-named team
this week.
Sad But True Spanks Duck Butter ß Didn’t even have to
change that headline
Sad But True got 14.87 points from
Eric Decker and 13.99 from Aaron Rodgers, stomping Duck Butter, 86.80 - 59.77. Stomping Duck Butter would make a great band
name. It was an epic beating, and the
27.03-point margin of victory is the seventh-highest in the league this season,
which I suppose is good. Duck Butter was
done in by a substantial drop in scoring from last week and from generally
having a horrible team. Sad But True (3-5, 673.46 points) remains mired in
eighth place and Duck Butter (1-7, 692.80 points) stays mired in last place. Rick Mirer remains mired in obscurity.
Sad But True Smooth Moves
- The Chicken Dance
- The Macarena
- The Worm
- The Sprinkler
- The Beavis and Butthead
Duck Butter Regret Tracker
- His draft day strategy
- His transactions
- His haircut
- His fashion sense
- His DNA
- That one time in College
What If
- Sad But True would be 3-5 if they played Duck Butter
every week. But they ARE 3-5. I’m confused.
- Besides Duck Butter, Sad But True would have defeated
four other teams of lawyers this week.
- Duck Butter would have been beaten by every single other
team in the league this week, to add more insult here.
- Had they played each other last week, Sad But True
would have lost to Duck Butter 90.46 - 77.83. No!!!
Stop it!!!!
- If they played the same schedule as Sad But True, Duck
Butter would be 4-3 and headed for a Sugar Bowl berth.
- Duck Butter would be 36-36 if they played every team
every week using some sort of time travel machine like a Delorean maybe?
- The queen had balls?
Game Notes
- This gimmick is getting old.
Thongmetheus Pulls Off Come, back over Free Pussy Riot, Puts Them in, Third
Place
Thongmetheus registered the
second-highest score of the week and erased a 10.50-point deficit on Monday
night, enraging Free Pussy Riot 95.65 - 94.75. This was a matchup that could
have gone either way, like Elton John, with the 0.90-point margin of victory
being the second-smallest recorded in the league this season. The first-smallest Shall Not Be Named. Tom Brady, with 30.28 points and dashing good
looks, racked up the highest score for the week and scored the best rack of the
week. Free Pussy Riot (6-2, 700.55
points) drops to third place like a chump while Thongmetheus (5-3, 707.32
points) remains in fourth place and is now guaranteed to make the playoffs.
Thongmetheus Smooth Moves
- The 24.44 points scored by Matt Ryan ranked fourth in
the league in scoring this week and second for any player on Thongmetheus
this season. So bitter!
- Brandon Lloyd ranked sixth in the league in scoring
among British WRs this week with 13.87 points.
- The 7.87 points were a season-high for Steve Smith, which
was the difference in beating Steve Pissed.
Free Pussy Riot Regret Tracker
- With 0.67 points, Jamaal Charles was last on the team
in scoring and got only 7.6% of his 8.82 projected points, not that Romeo
Crennel noticed.
- It was not a good week for Free Pussy Riot at TE, where
they were beaten 10.20 - 0.93.
Antonio Gates is the second-most likely TE to be murdered with a
sledgehammer by Free Pussy Riot.
- With 0.93 points, Antonio Gates had his lowest output
of the season and tallied just 12.2% of his 7.65 projected points, his lowest
percentage of the year.
- Free Pussy Riot had 6 of their 10 starters score less
than their projected points, not earning themselves any Halloween candy.
What If
- Thongmetheus would be 4-4 if they played Free Pussy
Riot every week. They will be 7-7
at the end of the season, with 100% probability.
- Besides Free Pussy Riot, Thongmetheus would have
defeated seven other dwarves this week.
- Thongmetheus would be 6-1 if they played the same
schedule as Free Pussy Riot. But
they didn’t.
- Free Pussy Riot would have lost to just one other team
besides Thongmetheus this week.
Yeah, Private Privates motherfucker.
- Thongmetheus would have lost to Free Pussy Riot 83.30 -
81.55 had they played each other last week. Fuck this shit!!!
- You spelled Dog, C-A-T?
Game Notes
- Hope everyone is safe after Hurricane Sandy
- Have a Happy Halloween!!!
Trick-or-Treat
sonofabitches!
-The
Commish