Week 3 Recap

So, after 3 weeks, here's what we're looking at - a whole lot of parity (with the exception of Sean's turd of a team).  Nobody is good enough to run away with this thing.  Not even cocky Falafel-boy.


General Gonad 83.23      King Nothing 48.73

Dear Bradley,

So how did that feel, you turncoat motherfucker??? Sitting there in front of the TV on your birthday, rooting for the  Falcons over the Dolphins, doing the Dirty Bird in your underwear every time the Falcons scored...  Then the Dolphins come back and beat your beloved Falcons.  Then your fantasy team starts getting crushed.  Then you start crying into your birthday cake. 

So Happy Fucking Birthday!!  You deserve everything you got.

Sincerely,
The 3-0 Miami Dolphins

Tony Montana 98.71      CrazyA**WhiteBoy 53.94
So Steve shakes off the shackles of 0-2 with a dominating victory over his pants-mate Robby.  Steve's team could have scored even more points if his running back could play rock-paper-scissors worth a damn.  Really Knowshon?  Scissors?  Scissors?!?

http://www.denverbroncos.com/news-and-blogs/article-1/Rock-Paper-Scissors-Touchdown/060a7281-352f-4eb6-82b2-83a1ce3911c1

Meanwhile, even though he lost miserably, I'd still rather have Robby's team than Steve's.  He'll be back folks.
  

Falafelysium 104.24     Abby Normal 94.12
Falafel gets the win to move into first place in all the land, thanks to his white Bronco being better than BroCole's white Bronco - and OJ's for that matter.  There's nothing that can stop him now, other than his own stupidity and hubris.

For Brother Cole, it's another week and another mediocre QB (and old broke-ass running backs).  It's only been three weeks, but this is starting to look grim already.  Maybe you can still spend that 12 bucks you saved at the auction for a "rainy day."


Folk Singin' Cat 99.06    Yes! Yes! Bacon! 79.24 
A Cam Newton sighting!!!  It was a bittersweet victory for Mr. F., as he watched his beloved Giants get crushed at the hands of his franchise QB.  Thanks to Cam the Man and Antonio "Tony" Brown, Mike cruises to the win over Maine's Adrian Peterson and the Petersonettes.  Even Jermaine's daughters couldn't believe he lost to Mr. F.



Trophy Thong 63.09   Ray Rice Sucks 55.39 
This match-up was even more boring than the final score indicates.  Sean would have won if he started Tony Romo instead of broke RG 0-3.  And Thong won in spite of having Josh Gordon and Joique Bell on his bench.  So in short....woo.  And stuff.

Regards,
The Commish

Week 1 Recap

Wow!  That was quite the eventful first week of the season!  There were higher scores than Thong’s golf game!  There were more turnovers than Ass Bandits 6! There were more safeties than Men Without Hats!  There were more exclamation points than a teenage girl’s blog!!!!

In short, wow.

Let’s recap the ridiculousness….

General Gonad              120.05

Tony Montana               92.08

This matchup was over by Friday morning, but that doesn't mean it wasn't interesting.   My team managed to have not one, but TWO running backs get benched for fumbling in Week 1,  plus another one who gained a total of 3 rushing yards.  I would have been better starting a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in place of all THREE running backs.  And I hate peanut butter!  Not to mention that Roddy White (AKA "Mr. Secret High Ankle Sprain") doesn't give a SHIT about me:

No I can't give out an injury report before the game. I play real football and it would be stupid to tip the other team off and say I'm hurt — Roddy White (@roddywhiteTV) September 9, 2013

Meanwhile, Steve is the leader in the clubhouse already for post of the year with a clinically insane rant.  I'm starting to worry about him.   And all this despite his team actually putting up a decent number this week.

CrazyA**WhiteBoy    131.65

Abby Normal                 91.89

So, my first question is whether Yahoo censored "Ass" to "A**" in Robby's team name, or if he was just worried he was offending our delicate sensibilities?  My second question is if Robby's team can keep this up all year, because DAMN that was a high score amongst high scores.  My third question is if Brother Cole is going to start a different mediocre QB all season?  And my fourth question is to Brother Cole, asking how Robby's ass tastes?

   
            

King Nothing                 117.64

Folk Singin' Cat             86.55

So, Mazzle puts up 117, thanks to a high variance of performances from his stars (Owen Daniels) and scrubs (CJ Spiller) team.  What happens to him next week when it all crashes down and he breaks his crown and he points his finger, but there's no one around.  He just wants one thing - just to play the king.  But the castle's crumbled, and he's left with just a name.  Where's your crown, King Mazzle?  Where's your fucking crown!?!

Mr. F showed up too, with Luck and a Bush, but not much else.  (Sometimes, that's all you really need though.  But not this week.)  He'll win next week to stay at .500.

               

Falafelysium                  114.97

I Started C. Ivory?        66.91

In the biggest blowout of Week 1, Sean might have proved the maxim that "Six fantasy teams are too much for any bald man."  Truer words have never been said.  ... On the flip side, Falafel enjoyed a well-rounded team effort, put up a fairly high score, and ate a moderately sized sandwich for lunch today. 

               

Yes! Yes! Bacon!          99.74

Trophy Thong              93.49

In the closest matchup of Week 1, Thong began his first title defense with a loss to Maine's Adrian Peterson and the Petersonettes.   Thong's Redskins let him down in more ways than one on Monday night, no doubt due to the bad karma surrounding their obscenely racist nickname.  Rich - you might want to put those plans on hold to change your fantasy team name to the "Thongskins."

The Recap Will Return in "Recap Week 2: Electric Boogaloo"

- The Commish