Week 1 Recap

Wow!  That was quite the eventful first week of the season!  There were higher scores than Thong’s golf game!  There were more turnovers than Ass Bandits 6! There were more safeties than Men Without Hats!  There were more exclamation points than a teenage girl’s blog!!!!

In short, wow.

Let’s recap the ridiculousness….

General Gonad              120.05

Tony Montana               92.08

This matchup was over by Friday morning, but that doesn't mean it wasn't interesting.   My team managed to have not one, but TWO running backs get benched for fumbling in Week 1,  plus another one who gained a total of 3 rushing yards.  I would have been better starting a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in place of all THREE running backs.  And I hate peanut butter!  Not to mention that Roddy White (AKA "Mr. Secret High Ankle Sprain") doesn't give a SHIT about me:

No I can't give out an injury report before the game. I play real football and it would be stupid to tip the other team off and say I'm hurt — Roddy White (@roddywhiteTV) September 9, 2013

Meanwhile, Steve is the leader in the clubhouse already for post of the year with a clinically insane rant.  I'm starting to worry about him.   And all this despite his team actually putting up a decent number this week.

CrazyA**WhiteBoy    131.65

Abby Normal                 91.89

So, my first question is whether Yahoo censored "Ass" to "A**" in Robby's team name, or if he was just worried he was offending our delicate sensibilities?  My second question is if Robby's team can keep this up all year, because DAMN that was a high score amongst high scores.  My third question is if Brother Cole is going to start a different mediocre QB all season?  And my fourth question is to Brother Cole, asking how Robby's ass tastes?

   
            

King Nothing                 117.64

Folk Singin' Cat             86.55

So, Mazzle puts up 117, thanks to a high variance of performances from his stars (Owen Daniels) and scrubs (CJ Spiller) team.  What happens to him next week when it all crashes down and he breaks his crown and he points his finger, but there's no one around.  He just wants one thing - just to play the king.  But the castle's crumbled, and he's left with just a name.  Where's your crown, King Mazzle?  Where's your fucking crown!?!

Mr. F showed up too, with Luck and a Bush, but not much else.  (Sometimes, that's all you really need though.  But not this week.)  He'll win next week to stay at .500.

               

Falafelysium                  114.97

I Started C. Ivory?        66.91

In the biggest blowout of Week 1, Sean might have proved the maxim that "Six fantasy teams are too much for any bald man."  Truer words have never been said.  ... On the flip side, Falafel enjoyed a well-rounded team effort, put up a fairly high score, and ate a moderately sized sandwich for lunch today. 

               

Yes! Yes! Bacon!          99.74

Trophy Thong              93.49

In the closest matchup of Week 1, Thong began his first title defense with a loss to Maine's Adrian Peterson and the Petersonettes.   Thong's Redskins let him down in more ways than one on Monday night, no doubt due to the bad karma surrounding their obscenely racist nickname.  Rich - you might want to put those plans on hold to change your fantasy team name to the "Thongskins."

The Recap Will Return in "Recap Week 2: Electric Boogaloo"

- The Commish