Week 12 Recap

Gobble Gobble folks!  It's the time of the year to give thanks and there's something for everyone in the league to be grateful for.  Fantasy football is the gift that keeps on giving - it's more important than work, more important than friends, more important than wives and girlfriends, more important than children, and definitely more important than world peace.  So let's take a backwards run through the standings and give thanks...

Mike Cole is thankful that his team put up a whopping 177 points this week for no reason whatsoever.  Where on earth did that come from?  He beat Sean's first place squad by 50 freakin points.  This is what he envisioned on draft day, and for one week, it all came together.  Too bad that next draft day all he'll be envisioning is a computer screen and a keyboard as our Auction Bitch. 

Robby is thankful for Peyton Manning.  Because even at 4-8 and even with the Broncos shitting all over the Dolphins Defense, he can appreciate owning Peyton.  If you've never had the experience, I highly recommend it.  It is so goddamn fun. 

Maine is thankful for the end of false hope.  After this week's loss to the Falafel Menace, his playoff hopes are finally 100% extinguished.  He has been put out of his misery.  (Tangent:  What is the opposite of false hope?  You know, when you've honestly and completely given up on winning in a week because you only have 1 player left and you're down way way too much to come back and you don't even pay attention to the Monday Night Game and find out the next morning your guy went ape shit and you somehow won?  So what do you call that?  Anti-Despair?  Reality Reversal?  False Hopelessness?  We need a name for this...)

Thong is thankful for AJ Green's health and to still be alive in the playoff chase, despite losing two in a row.   His roller coaster of a season continues.  He is also thankful for that funny feeling in his pants.

Bradley is thankful for...um...um...Caleb Sturgis?

Steve is thankful for Odell Beckham.  Sure, Beckham isn't on his fantasy team.  And sure, the Giants ultimately lost the game.  But for one shining moment, all was right with the world.  That catch was a thing of majesty - as beautiful as an Everest sunrise or a baby fawn being born.

Falafel is thankful for the return of Josh Gordon and his team peaking at the right time.  I think everyone, including me, is scared to face him in the playoffs.  His team is just that good.

I am thankful for my running backs and not having to travel for Thanksgiving.  Also porn.

Mike Frank is thankful for clinching a winning record this week.  Even if  he hasn't officially secured a playoff spot yet, he's guaranteed to finish above .500 for the first time in recorded history (not fact checked).  To celebrate, he's going to eat 501 pounds of turkey and drink 501 liters of gravy.

Sean is thankful to be in first place with a stacked team.  Other than Falafel's squad, this is clearly the team to beat.  (Though he's still holding onto Vernon Davis for some unknown reason.)  Sean is also thankful for the few remaining hairs on his head.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

- The Commish

Week 11 Recap

Howdy Folks,

Long time, no cap.

Here's a quick list of predictable items around here:
- Steve will go on 3 or 4 massive rants per season
- Robby will ignore everything and everyone for most of the season
- Mike Frank will finish .500 at the end of the season
- Maine will have false hope at multiple points per season
- Falafel will act like a douche-bag at all points per season
- I will get lazy and uninspired around week 7 and stop writing recaps for a while

So let's get to it and see what the non-Heigl state of affairs are around here.  We have three weeks to go in the regular season, and it's all up for grabs....


Falafel 113  Commish 84

It's all falling apart.  Crumbling before my eyes.  I'm getting nothing out of my QB or Defense.  My WRs are Charles Barkley-level Turrible.  My best bad WR is now out 4-6 weeks.  My stud TE is injured too.  My lottery ticket Adrian Peterson just got suspended for the season.  I picked up the Redskins kicker and watched him miss two field goals IN PERSON.

And I watched Mike Evans rape my team, IN PERSON.

Dammit!!! 

My only solace was that the Dolphins and Wahoos didn't have games this weekend.  Because they would have lost too.  Miserable. (But at least the Braves didn't trade Jason Heyward on Monday morning).

I need the regular season to end today, because there's no way I'm holding onto third place for another three weeks.  Scratching and clawing....

Meanwhile...

There once was a tool named Falafel
His fantasy team was god-awful.
But his life was not boring -
For when his girlfriend was whoring
She once took a shit on a waffle


BaconMaine 128  Fudge 113

Nobody saw this coming.  Maine has now won all three games since he kindly guest-wrote the last recap.  He's squarely back in the playoff picture and full of false hope.  He's gonna ride CJ Anderson and Jordy Nelson until their legs fall off.  (I'm also pretty sure that "CJ and Jordy" is a new show on Disney XD.)  ... Robby is still starting Brian Hartline.  Nuff said.


Baldy McBalderson 124  Steve 92

Sean continues his dominance of the league and is now in first place all by himself.  Aaron Rodgers continues to go ape shit, Demaryious Thomas is the only one left for Manning to throw to in Denver, Kelvin Benjamin is the only decent thing on offense for Carolina, Julio Jones is Julio Jones,and Richardson is now the only healthy RB in Indy.  Everything is coming up Baldy!

Meanwhile, Steve is...Steve is...Steve is...hmmm....conflicted?  The Gators lost in excruciating fashion, but Muschamp is finally gone.  His Giants won, but they still have a losing record.  His fantasy team has lost a couple in a row, but his Wide Receivers are still awesome and he's still in fourth place.  He's been listening to the new Pink Floyd album on a loop, but there's only vocals on two songs, one of them by Stephen Hawking.  So, basically, what I'm saying, is who the fuck knows about Steve....


Mike Frank 138  Mike Cole 73
In the 12 annual Mike Bowl, the winner and King of the Mikes is....drumrolll....Mike Frank!  Wow, he might just be for real this season.  It's pretty unlikely that he'll lose three in a row to finish at 7-7, right?  Right?  Good for him!  The playoffs are firmly in his grasp.  Also firmly in his grasp - his mouse!  Because he's reading this on the computer!  And the mouse helps him operate the computer!  Ha!!

Meanwhile, Mike Cole went on a Disney Cruise instead of fixing his fantasy team.  Ayup.


Mazzle 123  Thong 108
The battle of Hotlanta!  Mazzle wins!  And now both of these cats now sit at 6-5 and are right in the thick of it.   Also...also...and also...whew....ok, that's enough recap.  I'm out of recap shape and officially winded.  I'll try to make it through all five matchups next time...


Commish out.