Ho. Lee. Shit.
That was a wild end to the regular season, with almost everyone and their
mother holding out false hope to make the playoffs. Let's run down the final week of action and
tie a bloody ribbon around the Ridiculous Six who didn’t get in.
Commish 130 Thong 127
Thanks to a miracle late Fat Eddie Lacy Touchdown on the last
night of Hanukkah, the Commish sneaks into the playoffs with a 7-7 record . Now I’m looking forward to getting crushed by
Robby in the first round. Meanwhile, Merry
Christmas to Thong! Here, I got you this
google docs spreadsheet in which you can type in all the values at the draft
next year! Welcome to last place,
Auction Bitch!!! There’ll be someone
else wearing the Jean Shorts this year….
Falafel 142 Mazzle 132
…but it won’t be Bradley.
His squad could never get anything good going this year and he finishes
in 9th place, out of even the consolation bracket. Looks like this was the wrong year to live in
Atlanta. (I think Maine put a curse on both
of them, starting with their bathrooms). The end of the season couldn’t come quick
enough for him...
Meanwhile, someone else wishes the regular season was a week
longer. Falafel put up another big week
and finished strong with 4 wins in a row.
But it wasn’t enough to manage higher than 6th place. He can limp back home with a moral victory,
and isn’t that what fantasy football is really about? Here’s to moral victories!!! May they bring you false hope to last a
lifetime!!!
Bacon 86 Fargo 75
Another week, and another 75 point total for Mike
Frank. It was a terrible season for him,
and he finishes with the lowest total points scored in the whole league. Let me just check the standings here to see
how low he ended up placing…. Hmmm…..WHAAAAAAAAAAA????? You gotta be shitting me? 3rd place? 8-6?
WHAT THE FUCK?? Man, if I hadn’t
made the playoffs, I’d be hella pissed at this guy.
Speaking of hella pissed, Maine finishes in 8th
place, with another lost season. Mo
Raiders, mo problems. Also, Andrew Luck
better watch his back.
Sausage King 125 Michael Swallows 91
The Sausage is dead.
Long live the sausage. Despite a
win over Mike Cole and a 7-7 finish, the Sausage King fails to make the
playoffs, fails to defend his championship, and fails to grow new hair on his
head. He’s D-U-N and B-A-L-D.
Mike Cole loses a meaningless game, but makes the playoffs
for a record bajillionth time.
Goddammit, Robby better beat him in the final.
Robby 134 Steve 98
Speaking of which, with another big win, Robby cruises into
the postseason with the #1 seed and home field advantage throughout the
playoffs. He is the overwhelming
favorite to win it all, having drafted wisely and then just sat back and
watched the victories come rolling in.
Gonna be festive if he loses.
The other half of Strobby didn’t fare as well, with Steve’s
whole team going belly up a month ago. A
bunch of losses in a row to end the season and just like that, a championship
contender is out on his ass. Kinda like
the Gators and the Giants and the Mets.
So we’re down to the final 4. And it looks like we’re keeping the Chicken
Bone Cup in the family. Got a lot of
cousin-on-cousin violence in store the next couple weeks. Buckle up motherfuckers.
-
- The Commish