Playoff SemiFinals Recap

Hi Folks,

It's only Monday, but since our final is pretty much set and I don't feel like actually starting my work-week yet, let's see what went down in the Semis...



Sausage (1 Seed) vs. Pretzels (4 Seed)

So as expected, Tom Brady didn't do much against Denver and Le'Veon Bell came back down to Earth.  Plus, it would have been a better idea to start Peter Scolari on Defense instead of Minnesota. So it only stood to reason that Sean would be in huge trouble this week.  But...  Big BUT.  But Sean had the wherewithal to start Ty Montgomory and it paid off handsomely to the tune of 29.30 points.  And Devonta Freeman went nuts with his biggest game of the year.  Those two guys gave Sean nearly half of his points and unless Pierre Garcon gets negative points tonight, The Sausage Party King of Chicago is moving onto the finals.  Mike Frank didn't quite have enough gas in the tank, with Carlos Hyde, Davante Adams, and Mike Evans all putting up disappointing performances.  Mike also started somebody named Kenneth Farrow, who is his family's accountant and he owed a favor.   




Falafel (2 Seed) vs. Mazzle (3 Seed)

Important note: if you google Falafel Mazzle, the top 5 results are this blog.  That's a lot of history between these two bitter rivals.  But at the end of the day, Travis's team consisted of Zeke Elliot, a lively but decomposing Frank Gore, and a bunch of other guys.  That's not enough to win the Chicken Bone Cup, even this year and even if he was smart enough to start Golden Tate.  Just.  Not.  Enough.  Bradley, on the other hand, had the more balanced consistent team and had just enough of them pop this week to outscore the Falafel Menace by double digits and move onto the finals.  It wasn't pretty, but it jot the job done. 

Finals Preview - BONE?!

So it comes down to this - the two nicest guys in the league (sorry Rich and Mike Frank) battling it out for the Chicken Bone Championship.  I want some trash talk dammit!  Sean has to be considered the prohibitive favorite given his high ceiling players and projected matchups.  But will he manage not to screw the pooch and start the right guys?  Can he pick up more of a Tom Hanks-type to play defense?  It should be interesting.  Bradley definitely has the horses to give him a challenge.  My prediction: Pain.

Good luck guys - you're gonna need it!!

- The Commish
     

Season Recap and Playoff Preview

OK folks,

Now that the dust has settled, let's tie a bow around the regular season, team-by-team:

Straight Outta Thong
Record: 4-10
Place: 10th
Best Player: "TY" Hilton
Worst Player: Nuk Hopkins
New Metallica Song:  Here Comes Revenge

You gotta give him credit.  Thong - despite locking up the Auction Bitch title weeks ago and the rumors swirling about his firing - finished the season strong with 4 wins in a row after starting 0-10.  That may or may not have been enough to ultimately save his job, but he certainly must have enjoyed playing spoiler to both Robby and Steve's playoff hopes.  Perhaps, there can be some sort of "Honorary Jean Shorts" for that. 


Salty Salted Bacon
Record: 6-8 
Place: 9th
Best Player: Shady McCoy
Worst Player:Ryan "One T" Mathews
New Metallica Song: Dream No More

And that's what false hope gets you - a swift kick in the ass.  Maine didn't even bother to show up for Week 14, doing neither himself nor the Commish any favors in the process.  He finishes in 9th, which is right where he was going to finish all along. No way he was going to scratch and claw his way to .500 this year.  There's no place like 9th, there's no place like 9th....



Venezuela Taco Stand
Record: 7-7
Place: 8th
Best Player: Beats Me!
Worst Player:  Dennis Northcutt
New Metallica Song: Hardwired  (We're so fucked..Shit Outta luck..Hardwired...to Self-Destruct!)

Winnebago ManRecord: 7-7 
Place: 7th
Best Player: Rishard Matthews
Worst Player:  Todd Gurley
New Metallica Song: Moth Into The Flame

Well, on the bright side, we at least know Steve is alive.  Nice rant!  Happy to know something can tear him away from his underage Asian prostitutes.  And as for Robby, when Rishard Matthews is your best player, then Rishard Matthews is your best player.  Robby and Steve both finish with 3 straight losses to end their seasons identically at 7-7 and miss the playoffs.  You gotta wonder how long these never-proud franchises can keep going on like this.  Even Dan Reeves and Jeff Fisher are wondering if they could have done better jobs here.  Strobby should really think about joining forces one of these years and just colluding one great team between them.  At this point, I think we'd all even allow it.



Dead Salmon
Record: 7-7 
Place: 6th
Best Player:Drew Brees (Weeks 1-12)
Worst Player: tie - Drew Brees (Weeks 13-14), Allen Robinson  
New Metallica Song: Confusion

This is the first time since 2004 with no Cole in the playoffs!  That's an epic run for the Cole Bros.   Mister Cole The Younger is still trying to figure out where it all went wrong.  Talk about an epic bed shit on the last week of the season.  63 points and just like that he's done.



Baron Von Bratwurst
Record: 7-7 
Place: 5th
Best Player: Jordan Howard
Worst Player: Keenan Allen
New Metallica Song: ManUNkind

Time for me to pour one out for myself, since I'm the only one that cares.  It's been a damn good run of seasons for your trusty Commish.  I've made the playoffs each of the last 4 years before this one, finishing 2nd, 1st, 3rd, and 1st.  Just a couple of small breaks or better lineup decisions, and I could have easily won 4 in a row.  So Easily!  Look it up!  (Colin Kaepernick/Joe Flacco, Donte Moncrief/Jay Cutler)  But it's a mini-dynasty just the same, and I'll effing take it.  The Chicken Bone cup is at my house for another 8 months (12 months if Sean wins), and I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it while I can.



WORTHLESS AND LESS-THAN-HALF-ASSED PLAYOFF PREVIEW:

Sausage (Am I Savage?) vs Pretzels (Atlas Rise):  I think Mike Frank pulls the upset here in the Battle of Fairfax.  He's got better matchups with his players and Sean has shot his load already.

Falafel (Spit Out The Bone) vs. Mazzle (Halo on Fire):  This is a toughy.  Gotta give a slight edge to Travis on this one if he doesn't screw up his lineup.  Zeke Elliot is going to have a big day and so is Jay Ajayi.


Peace out,
The Commish

BS = Bed Shitters

What a pathetic debacle and an apt way to end this season.  These are the lowest scores we've seen all year, and here's a complete list of every player who completely and utterly shit the bed yesterday to make it happen:

- Julio Jones
- Matt Forte
- Mark Ingram
- Terrelle Pryor
- Carr, Fitzgerald, Moncrief, Crabrtee, and Riddick (AKA half of Maine's team)
- Russell Wilson
- Melvin Gordon
- Amari Cooper
- Jimmy Graham
- Drew Brees
- Allen Robinson
- Dan Bailey
- Dez Bryant and Seattle Defense (AKA, Steve would have been better off starting a Douche and a Turd Sandwich)
- Devonta Freeman (not that it hurt Sean, because Le'Veon Bell scored ALL THE POINTS)


BvB

Week 13 Recap and Playoff Scenarios

Gentleman,

I can now, without any equivocation, state for the record that this season has been wholly unlike any season we have ever seen.  This is the definition of insanity or parity or insaniparity.  To writ, I took a screen shot of the standings yesterday and this morning:

Yesterday:

Today:

Week 13 and it's Armageddon!!!

Week 13 and 9 teams are still alive for the playoffs

Week 13 and the only team not still alive for the playoffs is the hottest team in the league (Thong has won 3 in a row for no reason whatsoever).

Week 13 and I somehow moved from 8th to 2nd overnight.

Week 13 and Maine is somehow still clinging to false hope.

Week 13 and Steve may or may not have been kidnapped by Chicken Bone League groupies for all we've heard from him.  Also, an incapacitated Steve may still make the playoffs despite scoring 37 points total all season.

Week 13 and Mike Frank is a) going to finish 7-7, yet again, and b) The New Most Bitterest Man In The League.

Week 13 and we still haven't answered the question we asked as the sun was setting on draft day - are any of our fucking teams actually any fucking good?  Probably fucking not!  But the laws of physics say that somebody has to win this thing.


Week 13 and for the record, I personally think that Sean and Travis have the best and most complete teams of the bunch.  Hot Take: One of them ends up taking the cup when it's all said and done.  Do you prefer Falafel or Sausage?  Because you're probably getting one of them!  Or maybe Brad.  Who the fuck knows?  Hot Take!

Week 14 and the Playoffs essentially start a week early.  Below are the un-fact-checked playoff scenarios, hand-crafted by my esteemed brother.  Please direct all compliments and complaints to him.  Please note: we are assuming that Steve isn't outscoring anybody by 200+ points, especially while handcuffed to a radiator somewhere.

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Sean - In. 

Jason - In with a W.  In with a L if 1) Robby & Steve lose 2) loser of Travis/Michael doesn't outscore him by .83/15.53 + *Mike Frank L + Robby doesn't outscore him by 68.85 and Maine doesn't outscore him by 83.06.  *If Mike Frank wins then Jason would have to outscore him by 33.23

Travis - In with a W.  In with a L if 1) Robby & Steve lose and A) Jason L and he outscores him by more than .83 + *Mike Frank L + Robby doesn't outscore him by 68.02 and Maine doesn't outscore him by 82.23. B) Brad loses + doesn't outscore him by 44.48 + *Mike Frank L + Robby doesn't outscore him by 68.02 + Maine doesn't outscore him by 82.23. *If Mike Frank wins then Travis would have to outscore him by 34.06

Michael -  In with a W.  In with a L if 1) Robby & Steve lose and 2A) Jason L and he outscores him by more than 15.53 + *Mike Frank L + Robby doesn't outscore him by 53.32 + Maine doesn't outscore him by 37.53. B) Brad loses and doesn't outscore him by 29.78 + *Mike Frank L + Robby doesn't outscore him by 53.32 + Maine doesn't outscore him by 67.53. *If Mike Frank wins the Michael would have to outscore him by 48.76

Brad - In with a W.  In with a L if 1) Robby & Steve lose 2A) Travis L + he outscores him by 44.48 + *Mike Frank L + Robby doesn't outscore him by 23.54 and Maine doesn't outscore him by 37.75. 2B) Michael L + he outscores him by 29.78 + *Mike Frank L + Robby doesn't outscore him by 23.54 and Maine doesn't outscore him by 37.75. *If Mike Frank wins then Brad would have to outscore him by 78.54. 

Robby - In with a W.  In with a L if 1) Steve L + Mike Frank L (over 100 points behind) 2) Robby needs to outscore the loser of Jason(68.85)/Brad(23.54) & Travis(68.02)/Michael(53.32) + not have Maine outscore him by 14.21

Steve - In with a W + Robby L

Mike Frank - In with a W + Robby & Steve L + not being outscored by the losers of Jason(33.23)/Brad(78.54) & Travis(34.06)/Michael(48.76). 

Maine - In with a W + Robby & Steve L + outscoring the loser of Jason(83.06)/Brad(37.75) & Travis(82.23)/Michael(67.53) + outscoring Robby by 14.21

Rich - Out.  Auction Bitch.

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Looking at this week's match-ups, I predict that the following teams will win:
- Sean  (9-5, #1 seed)
- Travis (8-6, #2 seed)
- Brad (8-6, #3 seed)
- Steve (8-6, #4 seed)
- Mike Frank (7-7, misses the playoffs)

Just feels like that kind of year...

Enjoy Week 14 everyone!!!!  Try not to lose your minds!

- The Commish