OK folks,
Now that the dust has settled, let's tie a bow around the regular season, team-by-team:
Straight Outta Thong
Record: 4-10
Place: 10th
Best Player: "TY" Hilton
Worst Player: Nuk Hopkins
New Metallica Song: Here Comes Revenge
You gotta give him credit. Thong - despite locking up the Auction Bitch title weeks ago and the rumors swirling about his firing - finished the season strong with 4 wins in a row after starting 0-10. That may or may not have been enough to ultimately save his job, but he certainly must have enjoyed playing spoiler to both Robby and Steve's playoff hopes. Perhaps, there can be some sort of "Honorary Jean Shorts" for that.
Salty Salted Bacon
Record: 6-8
Place: 9th
Best Player: Shady McCoy
Worst Player:Ryan "One T" Mathews
New Metallica Song: Dream No More
And that's what false hope gets you - a swift kick in the ass. Maine didn't even bother to show up for Week 14, doing neither himself nor the Commish any favors in the process. He finishes in 9th, which is right where he was going to finish all along. No way he was going to scratch and claw his way to .500 this year. There's no place like 9th, there's no place like 9th....
Venezuela Taco Stand
Record: 7-7
Place: 8th
Best Player: Beats Me!
Worst Player: Dennis Northcutt
New Metallica Song: Hardwired (We're so fucked..Shit Outta luck..Hardwired...to Self-Destruct!)
Winnebago ManRecord: 7-7
Place: 7th
Best Player: Rishard Matthews
Worst Player: Todd Gurley
New Metallica Song: Moth Into The Flame
Well, on the bright side, we at least know Steve is alive. Nice rant! Happy to know something can tear him away from his underage Asian prostitutes. And as for Robby, when Rishard Matthews is your best player, then Rishard Matthews is your best player. Robby and Steve both finish with 3 straight losses to end their seasons identically at 7-7 and miss the playoffs. You gotta wonder how long these never-proud franchises can keep going on like this. Even Dan Reeves and Jeff Fisher are wondering if they could have done better jobs here. Strobby should really think about joining forces one of these years and just colluding one great team between them. At this point, I think we'd all even allow it.
Dead Salmon
Record: 7-7
Place: 6th
Best Player:Drew Brees (Weeks 1-12)
Worst Player: tie - Drew Brees (Weeks 13-14), Allen Robinson
New Metallica Song: Confusion
This is the first time since 2004 with no Cole in the playoffs! That's an epic run for the Cole Bros. Mister Cole The Younger is still trying to figure out where it all went wrong. Talk about an epic bed shit on the last week of the season. 63 points and just like that he's done.
Baron Von Bratwurst
Record: 7-7
Place: 5th
Best Player: Jordan Howard
Worst Player: Keenan Allen
New Metallica Song: ManUNkind
Time for me to pour one out for myself, since I'm the only one that cares. It's been a damn good run of seasons for your trusty Commish. I've made the playoffs each of the last 4 years before this one, finishing 2nd, 1st, 3rd, and 1st. Just a couple of small breaks or better lineup decisions, and I could have easily won 4 in a row. So Easily! Look it up! (Colin Kaepernick/Joe Flacco, Donte Moncrief/Jay Cutler) But it's a mini-dynasty just the same, and I'll effing take it. The Chicken Bone cup is at my house for another 8 months (12 months if Sean wins), and I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it while I can.
WORTHLESS AND LESS-THAN-HALF-ASSED PLAYOFF PREVIEW:
Sausage (Am I Savage?) vs Pretzels (Atlas Rise): I think Mike Frank pulls the upset here in the Battle of Fairfax. He's got better matchups with his players and Sean has shot his load already.
Falafel (Spit Out The Bone) vs. Mazzle (Halo on Fire): This is a toughy. Gotta give a slight edge to Travis on this one if he doesn't screw up his lineup. Zeke Elliot is going to have a big day and so is Jay Ajayi.
Peace out,
The Commish
