Weeks 5/6/7 Recap

Howdy Folks,

So we are halfway through the fantasy season and like the NFL, things are clear as mud.  While not quite approaching the record-breaking chicken bone parity of last season, teams are more bunched together than Robby's panties.  Between massive injuries, suspensions, weirdness, and Martavis Bryant, things are out of control.  So let's do a power ranking/recap and see what's what...


#10 The Sleepy Sausage Kings
This team reminds me of a current-day Courtney Cox.  Sure, she looks great on the surface, but underneath, it's all just dust and bones.  Demaryius Thomas and CJ Anderson can't be trusted with that terrible offense.  Same goes for Jordan Howard.  Cam Newton looks like a shell of his former self.   DeSean Jackson is as sketchy as it gets - sketchier than Robby's panties.  Sean's team won't finish last, but also they might.  .. Also, Sean nodded off somewhere in the middle of this paragraph.  He's not getting much sleep these days.


#9 The Fightin Steves
This team reminds me of last years Oklahoma Thunder, with Steve's Patriots playing the part of Russell Westbrook.  Sure, they'll put up big numbers and even some triple-doubles (that's when 3 Patriot players score double digit points).  But they won't finish any higher than 6th.  This team is more one-dimensional than Robby's panties.  And neither are to be trusted.


#8 The Falafel Poop Snacks
This team reminds me of a house of cards built by a toddler, with Zeke Elliot being the top card.  It's kind of in disarray already, but if he get's suspended, it all comes tumbling down.  And beyond Shady, there's a whole lot of hot garbage here at RB - Buck Allen, Alfred Morris, Mike Gillislee.  Those guys are crappier than Robby's panties.


#7 The Mike Franks
This team reminds me of the guys from the movie Saw - stuck in the basement, but still fighting and showing signs of life.  A win this week and good signs for the homestretch- Carson Wentz looks like a stud, Amari Cooper woke up last week, Hunter Henry is pushing Gates out the door, and Joe Mixon seems to be taking over the backfield in Cinci.  This team is a long-shot to come back and make the playoffs, but I would not want to be playing Mike down the stretch.  This team is stretchier than Robby's panties.


#6 The Commishers
This team reminds me of a lunchtime sushi buffet.  And no, I'm not going to explain that.  Todd Gurley is carrying this sorry excuse for a team. With all of the injuries, this team is bloodier than Robby's panties.  But even aside from the many injuries, I cut Wentz in favor of a washed up Brees.  I cut Duke Johnson, traded for Tarik Cohen, and am flailing about seemingly at random.  And I never have a goddamned clue who to start at WR3 or FLEX.  This is probably too high of a ranking realistically.  Also, it's highly likely Willie Snead is officially dead and trapped in a Weekend at Bernie's situation.  I'd put it at 70/30. 


#5 The Mike Coles
This team reminds me of the island of misfit toys.  There are a lot of fun parts here, but none of them really fit together or are fully functional.  They are less functional than Robby's panties.  Jeremy Maclin?  Chris Thompson?  Robbie Gould?  And Terelle Pryor Sr. still has only 3 more 100 yard receiving games than me.  Mike's biggest problem is teams putting up an average of 126 points each week against him.  Heck, Brad scored 95 against him during the week where he conceded. Truthfully, there's a lot of talent still here, but it's gonna take a lot of luck to make the playoffs after a 2-5 start.  And I don't mean Andrew.  (Because he's off in Hollywood, staring in Weekend at Bernie's III).


#4 The Baconators
This team reminds me of the Green Bay packers - going along just fine until Aaron Rodgers suffers a major injury.  OK fine, so that's more reality than metaphor, but work with me here.  How is this team ranked #4 in the power rankings?  Mostly because all of the other teams are uglier, grosser, pussier, and nastier than Robby's misshapen panties.  But also because there are always good streaming Quarterbacks to be found, and Leonard Fournette is a MAN. 


#3. The Thongs
This team reminds me of a team that starts off really strong, then loses two in a row to fall to 3rd place at 4-3.  In other news, I might be running out of metaphors.  I have less metaphors than Robby has clean panties.  But really, Thong's team is sorta, kinda, pretty decent and also has Antonio Brown.  Which is enough to be in contention this year.


#2 The Mazzles
This team reminds me of that guy at the bar who gets smarter the more he drinks, and by 3:00 am he's reciting Shakespeare and quoting from Stephen Hawking's PhD thesis.  You just don't expect Alex Smith to be somehow crushing it.  Or something named Alvin Kamara beating out Adrian Peterson for a job.  Or Cameron Brate being the 3rd best TE in fantasy so far.  It all seems a little askew.  #robbyspanties


#1 The Panties
This team reminds me of something, something, underwear.  Robby's team is 6-1 and in first place all by his lonesome.  He's been in this position before, only to fall short of greatness.  I ask yet again - is this finally his year?  Yes!  I'm calling it now.  Mark it down.  Robby will somehow...against all odds...manage to win the Chicken Bone Cup this year.  Take it to the panty bank. 


Cheers,
The Commish

Week 3/4 Recap

Hi Everyone,

I don't often get serious on this recap blog, but I can't be quiet any longer about how certain NFL players have been behaving over the last couple weeks.  These players should be ashamed at what they’ve been doing.  They've disgraced themselves and everyone who pays their hard earned money to watch them play football.  I’m not sure I can stomach another minute of these high-paid players acting in this manner. It makes me so sad and angry.  I mean, how can you only score 6 points against the Jets and Saints combined?!?  What the fuck Miami Dolphins?!?  I’m offended by this offense!  10 million dollars for Jay Cutler and this is what we get?!?  Throw the fucking ball downfield!  Run the ball on 3^rd and 1!  Don’t throw the fade pass in the end zone!  Stop committing every offensive penalty possible!  And I could get better guard play out of homeless crackheads!  This is the worst team in football right now, and it makes me sick.  I’m planning on taking a knee every time the Dolphins are on offense, to protest them on general principles.  Onto the recap…

Let’s start from the bottom up for a change…

Free Fallin’

At 0-4, Michael Seth Frank is falling apart.  Going to have a hard time making it back to .500 at this rate.  His team is in shambles and he’s – by far – scored the least amount of points in the league.  In week 3, he put up 32 whole points.  That’s hard to do even if you tried.  Seriously!  Try it!  I’ll wait…  And the main lesson here is that DeMarco Murray sucks, always and forever.

It’s Good to Be King

The Sausage King notched his first win of the season in Week 4, thanks to Bilal Powell, of all people.  He’s got to be in the top 5 running backs ever named Bilal.  Maybe top 3 even.  .. Sean is currently trying to figure out whether to start Cam Newton or Matt Stafford, with CAR@DET, and on about 4 hours of sleep per night.  Good luck with that!

Breakdown

Falafel lost a 1 point squeaker to the Commish, when Derek Carr broke down with a back injury last week.  Zeke Elliot has turned it on lately, but it still hasn’t been enough to keep Travis from dropping 3 in a row and plummeting down to 8^th place.  With Carr out anywhere from 2 to eleventeen weeks, he turns to Jameis Winston at QB.  Fortunately, he’s in the top 10 Jameis to ever play Quarterback professionally. 

Even the Losers

Get lucky sometime.  Mike Cole gets off the schneid with his first win of the season in Week 4, thanks to Wilson and Kelce finally being Wilson and Kelce and his opponent not putting up 142 points.  Mike continues to have no idea who to play in his flex spot, but will deny it if you ask him.

You Don’t Know How It Feels

Maine’s team feels like it should be better than 1-3.  It’s really good on paper.  For the record, my team is 3-1 and I would trade my whole team for his whole team.  This is a fact.  (Maine – Email me.  This is a real offer.  Not a joke.)

Don’t Do Me Like That

This is the week to be playing Brad’s formidable 3-1 team.  Right now he has 7 (7!) players on Bye, has no kicker, and also just picked up David Johnson (after Steve predictably dropped him) for no reason other than to taunt me.  Brad is supposed to be good at math, but this isn’t adding up. 

Runnin’ Down a Dream

Steve is in 4^th place, still riding those Pats as far down the road as it’ll take him.  So far, so good.   He’s got 4 in his lineup and you can’t really argue with any of them. 

American Dream Plan B

So I lost half my team to injury, and I can’t manage to pick the right guys any week to replace them.  But my other guys are stepping up to the plate, and I’m scratching and clawing and playing above my station.  It doesn’t feel sustainable, but it’s been 2 whole weeks without an accident, so that’s something.

Square One

The Thong arrow is pointing down for the first time all season.  He lost Dalvin Cook for the year, and suffered his first loss of the season to fall out of 1^st place.  Still will have his say, but time for him to regroup.

Learning to Fly

Robby has scaled these heights before, only to fall short.  Will this finally be the year he learns to fly?  Ya never know….

Peace and Love,

The Commish