Howdy Folks,
So we are halfway through the fantasy season and like the NFL, things are clear as mud. While not quite approaching the record-breaking chicken bone parity of last season, teams are more bunched together than Robby's panties. Between massive injuries, suspensions, weirdness, and Martavis Bryant, things are out of control. So let's do a power ranking/recap and see what's what...
#10 The Sleepy Sausage Kings
This team reminds me of a current-day Courtney Cox. Sure, she looks great on the surface, but underneath, it's all just dust and bones. Demaryius Thomas and CJ Anderson can't be trusted with that terrible offense. Same goes for Jordan Howard. Cam Newton looks like a shell of his former self. DeSean Jackson is as sketchy as it gets - sketchier than Robby's panties. Sean's team won't finish last, but also they might. .. Also, Sean nodded off somewhere in the middle of this paragraph. He's not getting much sleep these days.
#9 The Fightin Steves
This team reminds me of last years Oklahoma Thunder, with Steve's Patriots playing the part of Russell Westbrook. Sure, they'll put up big numbers and even some triple-doubles (that's when 3 Patriot players score double digit points). But they won't finish any higher than 6th. This team is more one-dimensional than Robby's panties. And neither are to be trusted.
#8 The Falafel Poop Snacks
This team reminds me of a house of cards built by a toddler, with Zeke Elliot being the top card. It's kind of in disarray already, but if he get's suspended, it all comes tumbling down. And beyond Shady, there's a whole lot of hot garbage here at RB - Buck Allen, Alfred Morris, Mike Gillislee. Those guys are crappier than Robby's panties.
#7 The Mike Franks
This team reminds me of the guys from the movie Saw - stuck in the basement, but still fighting and showing signs of life. A win this week and good signs for the homestretch- Carson Wentz looks like a stud, Amari Cooper woke up last week, Hunter Henry is pushing Gates out the door, and Joe Mixon seems to be taking over the backfield in Cinci. This team is a long-shot to come back and make the playoffs, but I would not want to be playing Mike down the stretch. This team is stretchier than Robby's panties.
#6 The Commishers
This team reminds me of a lunchtime sushi buffet. And no, I'm not going to explain that. Todd Gurley is carrying this sorry excuse for a team. With all of the injuries, this team is bloodier than Robby's panties. But even aside from the many injuries, I cut Wentz in favor of a washed up Brees. I cut Duke Johnson, traded for Tarik Cohen, and am flailing about seemingly at random. And I never have a goddamned clue who to start at WR3 or FLEX. This is probably too high of a ranking realistically. Also, it's highly likely Willie Snead is officially dead and trapped in a Weekend at Bernie's situation. I'd put it at 70/30.
#5 The Mike Coles
This team reminds me of the island of misfit toys. There are a lot of fun parts here, but none of them really fit together or are fully functional. They are less functional than Robby's panties. Jeremy Maclin? Chris Thompson? Robbie Gould? And Terelle Pryor Sr. still has only 3 more 100 yard receiving games than me. Mike's biggest problem is teams putting up an average of 126 points each week against him. Heck, Brad scored 95 against him during the week where he conceded. Truthfully, there's a lot of talent still here, but it's gonna take a lot of luck to make the playoffs after a 2-5 start. And I don't mean Andrew. (Because he's off in Hollywood, staring in Weekend at Bernie's III).
#4 The Baconators
This team reminds me of the Green Bay packers - going along just fine until Aaron Rodgers suffers a major injury. OK fine, so that's more reality than metaphor, but work with me here. How is this team ranked #4 in the power rankings? Mostly because all of the other teams are uglier, grosser, pussier, and nastier than Robby's misshapen panties. But also because there are always good streaming Quarterbacks to be found, and Leonard Fournette is a MAN.
#3. The Thongs
This team reminds me of a team that starts off really strong, then loses two in a row to fall to 3rd place at 4-3. In other news, I might be running out of metaphors. I have less metaphors than Robby has clean panties. But really, Thong's team is sorta, kinda, pretty decent and also has Antonio Brown. Which is enough to be in contention this year.
#2 The Mazzles
This team reminds me of that guy at the bar who gets smarter the more he drinks, and by 3:00 am he's reciting Shakespeare and quoting from Stephen Hawking's PhD thesis. You just don't expect Alex Smith to be somehow crushing it. Or something named Alvin Kamara beating out Adrian Peterson for a job. Or Cameron Brate being the 3rd best TE in fantasy so far. It all seems a little askew. #robbyspanties
#1 The Panties
This team reminds me of something, something, underwear. Robby's team is 6-1 and in first place all by his lonesome. He's been in this position before, only to fall short of greatness. I ask yet again - is this finally his year? Yes! I'm calling it now. Mark it down. Robby will somehow...against all odds...manage to win the Chicken Bone Cup this year. Take it to the panty bank.
Cheers,
The Commish
