Howdy Folks,
Long time, no cap. You might think I’ve been lazy, but in truth, I’ve been really, really lazy. All I want to do is sit at home on my couch, watch Stranger Things and play Super Mario Odyssey. Thinking about this tire fire of an NFL season is not how I want to unwind. Even watching games has felt like a chore this year…I’ve probably watched less NFL this year than I have since 1983. And that’s with a game every night of the week (or so it seems). Between rampant injuries and rampant mediocrity and rampant Jay Cutler, there hasn’t been a lot to draw me in. Am I alone on this?
In other more festive news, the U is back and that has been really fun to watch! Duck Notre Fame!!! I’m rooting for Virginia to win a close game over the Canes this Saturday, with no UVA turnovers. But if the Canes win, I won’t be all that broken up about it. #turnoverchain4life
And that brings us to the Chicken Bone league, which is why we’ve all come together (you know…like a circle jerk! Where Travis is currently eating the soggy biscuit….). I’m telling you…of all years, this seems like the one where Steve or Robby finally wins it all. It’s just that kind of season….
Robby has a stranglehold on first place, with a record of 8-2. He is definitely the most dominant team in the league, but that’s like saying he’s the tallest munchkin in Oz. (not the prison). But seriously, his team is so good that he has Kelvin Benjamin, Adrian Peterson, Rishard Matthews on the bench. I would kill a hobo to start either of those guys instead of Doctson of whatever shit I get off the waiver wire. Or even a high-end drifter…. Between Bell, Prescott, Tate, Landry, and the dolphin formerly known as Jay Ajayi, in conclusion, this is officially the team to beat.
Now as for the rest of the league, it’s a bunch of scratching and clawing. Starting in 2nd place with Thong Spady’s cast of characters. Kirk “You Like That!” Cousins, Robert “Randomly Awesome Now?” Woods, Antonio “Predictably Awesome” Brown, Marquis “Bortles has to throw to somebody” Lee, Kareem “Downward Trending” Hunt, Latavius “Latavius” Murray, and a bunch of other dudes that include an concussed D. Freeman and Ted Ginn’s family. This team is the epitome of the crux of the illustration of the league. Everyone is like this! One great player, a few pretty good players, a kinda hurt player, a random tight end, a bunch of interchangeable guys, and many waiver wire regrets. In conclusion, Rich’s team is kinda ok.
Bradley Malemazzlemuzzlezian is in 3rd place at 6-4 with the same dealio. Julio Jones is a stud, and he’s got some pretty good players behind him. And Brad’s somehow starting Alex Smith instead of Matt Ryan now, because sure, that actually seems like the right thing to do (not sarcasm)… In other news, Brad’s 1104 points scored is exactly the same as Maine’s 1104 points scored. And on an unrelated note, Maine is 4-6 and in 8th place. And on a perhaps related note, this is why Maine hates everything and everyone. In conclusion, Brad will beat me 102-91 this week and solidify his playoff standing.
Why will he beat me? Because Hyde is on bye and because my players keep having season-ending injuries. Since we last spoke, it was Pierre Garcon, who is now recovering from neck surgery in his native France. Funchess is on bye, which leaves me with Cooks as my #1, Sanu as my number #2, and you’ve already stopped reading this sentence because you don’t give a shit about my wide receiver problems… Wait…where are you going? I need to complain about my Flex position!! Ugghhh…seriously, is there anything more boring than listening to someone else talk about their fantasy team? I am usually thinking about power moons when they’re talking to me. In conclusion, I have no business being in 4th place right now with this steaming hot garbage pile of a team.
Moving on, the reigning Sausage King is also at 5-5 and somehow still in the thick of things, winning the last 5 of 7 weeks. He is currently so sleep deprived that even his remaining hair is too tired to move off of his head. But that’s not stopping him from picking up Evan Engram and Alex Collins to bolster his starting lineup. However, I predict he barely misses the playoffs when he starts Matt “Matt” Stafford over Cam Newton. (Or is it the other way around? I can never remember…and neither can he…). In conclusion, get ready to ship that trophy to Florida!
Speaking of Florida, he’s super popular with all of the blue-haired ladies of Boynton Beach…it’s Steeeeeve! Hanging around with everyone else at 5-5, he’s in a weird position of seeing Jared Goff outscore Tom Brady regularly. Not sure what to do about that one. His team doesn’t seem so good in general, but who the hell knows? Just having Gronk and Brady might be enough to take this whole thing. In conclusion, Who GARA?
Fuuuuuck!!! Are there still more teams to talk about here? Alright, fine. Here are some facts about Mike Cole. He is in 7th place at 4-6 and based on his total points scored, is still just as alive as anyone for a playoff berth. He’s starting someone named JuJu Smith-Schuster, which sounds either like a law firm in Louisiana or a liver disease. His turn-ons are Russell Wilson’s 2nd half stats and his turn offs are anyone with the last name McFadden. He is still trying to make a lopsided trade with 80% of the league even though the trade deadline has passed. And he is a Pisces. In conclusion, his team is a hell of a catch ladies! (The crabs are a bonus!)
Now our recap takes a darker more depressing turn, with Bacon Maine, Pretzel Mike, and Falafel Travis. It’s a veritable buffet of fantasy football sadness! Unlike Robby, let’s take ‘em on one at a time…
Maine would kill a middle-class vagrant for the opportunity to trade for Jared Goff right now. He’s somehow starting Eli Manning at QB, as Tyrod Taylor is now benched and Aaron Rodgers died weeks ago. Elsewhere, he’s got as much talent as the rest of us, especially at Running Back. But he’s probably, maybe out of time to claw his way back up the standings. It just doesn’t seem like it’s his year. Again. In conclusion, for the love of god, whhhyyyyyy?!!!!
Mike Frank’s team sucks. In conclusion, it sucks hard.
Finally, we come to Travis, who is enjoying the worst luck outside of the Commissioner’s office. Zeke Elliott ran out of judges to bribe. Zach Ertz decides to sometime not play just for shits and giggles. And I wouldn’t trust any of his receivers with a 10-foot Pope John Paul II. Travis is 3-7 and in last place and is apparently terrible at fantasy football now that he’s married. In conclusion, shame. SHAME!
That’s all I got folks. So that I continue to bring you this quality recap product at no additional cost to you, please consider supporting our sponsors: depends diapers, gold bond powder, the law firm of JuJu Smith-Schuster, and Log. I also welcome your feedback in the comments as well as in a brief 45-55 minute survey you can expect to see in the mail in approximately 4 fiscal weeks.
Insincerely,
- The Commish
