As we head into the last 4 weeks of the regular season, some cracks are beginning to show in the contenders, others have been de-facto eliminated, and everyone is just trying to make it through the Bye Weeks alive. And some key facts are coming into focus. 50 of them to be precise….
50 FACTS You Need to Know for the Homestretch!
1. Steve’s team is a self-proclaimed Dumpster Fire
2. Steve has the 2nd most points scored in the league
3. Robby has 325 points less than Steve
4. Robby hates Steve with a fiery passion
5. Falafel has 79 points more than Steve
6. Falafel hasn’t even thought about Steve in years
7. Falafel set an all-time record for points scored last week, putting up 196.09 big ones
8. In addition to having the most total points in the league, Falafel also somehow has the least total points against
9. That’s just not fair
10. Falafel also set an all-time record for margin of victory last week, beating Mike Cole by 111.49 points
11. Mike Cole is at 4-6 and in 7th place
12. Mike Cole’s team is terrible
13. Mike Cole thinks he can still win 4 in a row and make the playoffs
14. Really
15. There have been more trades this year than in any season since 2003
16. I just made up fact #15, but it seems entirely plausible
17. Falafel is the odds-on favorite to win the Chicken Bone Cup for the first time in a decade
18. This is thanks in part to the emergence of Nick Chubb
19. Nick Chubb was briefly on my roster earlier this season
20. I am not bitter and am enjoying cake
21. The cake is a lie
22. 37.5% of my Roster was once on Steve or Robby’s team this year
23. My team, which employs the incredible Todd Gurley II, is 5-5 for a reason
24. Mike Frank is now in 2nd place overall and has won 6 games in a row
25. One more win and Mike ties Thong with the longest winning streak of all time
26. Mike Frank is into S&M, which has nothing to do with fantasy football unless you want to know where he sticks the football in his fantasy
27. You do NOT want to know where he sticks the football
28. Thong, Robby, and Maine are all tied for Auction Bitch at 3-7
29. Maine’s roster is better than his record
30. Maine scored 171 points last week and keeps finding new and creative ways to be bitter
31. Maine has Mike Williams in his Week 11 starting lineup right now for no discernible reason
32. Maine also still has Keelan Cole on his team for no discernible reason
33. Keelan Cole is the worst Cole in this league, which includes my brother
34. “Keelan Cole” is a terrible made-up name
35. “Keelan Cole” is nothing compared to Green Bay Wide Receivers “Marquez Valdes-Scantling” and “Equanimeous St. Brown”
36. Key and Peele would be proud
37. Sean is in playoff contention at 6-4
38. Sean has no idea whatsoever who to start in any given week
39. Sean leads the league with 26 useless medals
40. Sean is still bald
41. Mazzle is a person who is in this league
42. Mazzle just picked up Corey Davis
43. Steve hates Mazzle and himself
44. Mazzle likes Metallica
45. “Unforgiven II” is objectively a better song than the original “Unforgiven”
46. I have the easiest schedule remaining and Falafel has the hardest, which is entirely meaningless
47. Falafel and I play each other in Week 13, by which time he will have clinched a playoff berth and – if he’s smart - should be resting his starters
48. Falafel is so smart. S-M-R-T.
49. There are 4 weeks to go till playoff time, so it’s time to put up or shut up
50. This is not Steve’s last season
Peace, Love, and Chicken Grease,
- The Commish
