So, you know that feeling you get when your kid runs full speed into your embrace and hugs you and, at the same time, headbutts you in the nuts? That is the 2019 football season in a nutshell (so to speak). Full of anticipation and love, but also immense pain.
Some random thoughts on that pain, before a slightly bitter recap/power rankings:
• I am very confused about the Dolphins/Redskins game this weekend. Am I supposed to root for the Dolphins, as is in my DNA? Or am I supposed to root for the Redskins, so that the Dolphins get a higher draft pick? Or am I supposed to root for the Dolphins, so that they don’t suffer the ignominy of going 0-16? Or am I supposed to root for the Redskins, figuring that the Dolphins can maybe beat the Jets or someone once? OR…am I supposed to root for accidentally blinding myself by pouring bleach into my eyes and then accidentally scooping both my eyeballs out with a melonballer and then stabbing around with a knife until I impale both eyes just to make extra sure I don’t ever have to watch this atrocity of a football game?
• Wait, did you hear that sound? That’s the sound of UVA’s Bryce Perkins getting sacked by Notre Dame again and the Irish running back another fumble. I’m not sure how that keeps happening a week-and-a-half later…
• Pop Quiz! Which one of these statements about the Pittsburgh Steelers isn’t true?
A. They are down to their third string quarterback after Mason Rudolph got knocked out and concussed into next Thursday by the Ravens.
B. They couldn’t figure out how to work the medical cart to take Rudolph off the field
C. Ben Roethlisberger was fined $5000 for wearing an Apple Watch. (side joke...what’s Sammy Hagar’s favorite type of hamburger? A Roethlisberger!)
D. There is a potential 80's move villain on their roster named Brogan Roback who has a non-zero chance of taking snaps at QB and who looks like this:
E. The New York Giants are 2-3 and would gladly trade Eli Manning to Pittsburgh for a corned-beef sandwich.
F. Sean is sad and bald
Answer – Just kidding! They’re all true!
Power Rankings Time! Let’s count down from suck….
10. King Dung
After “earning” negative Pi points last night, Baker Mayfield is dead to me. Dead like Donte Moncrief. He will NEVER be on my fantasy team again. N.E.V.E.R. DEAD!!!!! … Also, as we were lying in bed last night before going to sleep, my lovely wife says to me, quote… “It’ll be OK, being Auction Bitch isn’t that bad.” Really. So…. that’s about where things are right now…
9. Extra Billy
Now don’t get me wrong, Robby is winless and doesn’t have a good team. But he has 52 season points more than me and deserved to win the Strobby bowl this weekend. He lost by 5 points and had not one, but two players go down with injuries minutes into the game. He deserved better. Not much better, but better…
8 (tie). Rabbit of Something or Other
After getting almost doubled-up by Sean, Mike Cole is flailing. This is a team that should be better, but due to injuries and general managerial incompetence, this team is way underachieving. It’s also not even interesting enough to waste more words.
8 (tie). Steve
You’re not fooling anyone there in 5th place dude! Your team sucks! You’re just guessing at a quarterback each week, your running backs are mediocre, your Tight End is hurt, and Odell Beckham is still haunting you from beyond the Giants. You should have quit fantasy football when you said you would!!! Why are you even still doing this?!
6. Thong?
Hmm…I dunno. This feels about right. I mean, he’s Thong, so he’s not winning anything this season. And it’s not clear he has the horses to keep up with the big dogs. But he’s a nice guy and a Redskins fan and got crushed this week by his alleged friend Travis, so it feels wrong to slam him too much. So, I’ll rank him at 6th, which is probably 2 spots higher than he has earned. I hope that helps his self-esteem.
5 (tie). Mr. Numbers
The defending champ has issues too…is any team actually good this year? (Spoiler alert…yes! Stay tuned…) Mike pretty much maxed out his talent this week and put up a big 140 points. Unfortunately for him, Maine put up 147. This is shaping up to be a patented Mike Frank 7-7 season, which would be a proper regression to the mean for him after last season’s aberration (note….MS Word just tried to correct a misspelled “aberration” to “abortion,” which also would have worked in that sentence.) … On the flip side, Mike won trivia for us last night by knowing which is by far the best-selling model of automobile in US History (*answer at bottom).
5 (tie). Snausages
This year’s Jekyll and Hyde Team. And I’m not talking about Carlos. 136, 86, 142, 85, 168 – those are Sean’s week-by-week point totals for the season. This pattern will be surely tested this week when he faces off against your pessimistic Commish. … The Wall Street Journal states that “Mr. Forman’s team has some interesting pieces, but it lives and dies by the Houston Texans offense, which might account for the variable point total. More data is needed to confirm.” ….. Also, at trivia last night, there was a whole category where we had to identify bald men by their pictures. Needless to say, led by Sean, we got every single one right. True story.
And now we get to LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh – A.K.A “The Big Three”
3. Bacon Far From Home
He has a team name that makes no sense. It’s based on the title of a Spider-Man movie, but so what? He can do better. May I suggest Spider-Ham? … But more importantly, his team is pretty decent. He’s got two exciting young QBs to choose incorrectly from each week based on matchups. He’s got the two Raiders worth a shit. He’s got Dalvin Cook and Aaron Jones and Keenan Allen. He’s got enough top-shelf talent here to leave 46(!) points from Will Fuller V on the bench and still put up a 147-spot. … He’s thin on RB depth, but otherwise, this could be an interesting situation….
2. Mazzle Far from Last
Undefeated on the season and with a laughable Points Against average, Brad is cruising along… He’s got some nice pieces and has Saquon Barkley coming back from injury soon. But sometimes a Thomas in the Hand is worth two Giants in the Bush. If you know what I mean, wink, wink, nudge, nudge. So we shall see…
1. Rise of Falafel
This is the team to beat. He rolled the dice on draft day and they came up sevens. His Running Backs are off-the-charts good. His Seattle QB-WR connection is rolling. He has someone named DJ Chark with 5 Touchdowns already. (Singing..DJ..Chark.do.do.do.do.do.do…) He’s got depth and a top 3 Tight End to boot. Oh, and just for fun, he’s got AJ Green maybe coming back at some point. For fuck sake, this team is good!!! At this point, I don’t see any way that Travis doesn’t win the Chicken Bone Cup. I'm rooting for you buddy!!
Good luck to everyone on surviving the season....
Cheers,
-The Commish
* Ford F-Series Trucks
