Week 11 Recap

Howdy folks,

With three weeks to go in the regular season, we are getting down to the nitty gritty around here.  (Note: “Nitty” and “Gritty” are what Steve calls his testicles.)  There’s a race to the top, a race to the bottom, and a race to the middle (Mikes only).  So, it’s long past time for a massive and turgid recap, full of sound and fury, signifying everything…

149.80 King Dong 3-8-0 | 10th

133.64 Rise of Falafel 9-2-0 | 1st

Leading the league in points from post-draft acquisitions, your trusty commish used 7 of such acquisitions and struck a blow for the whole league against the Falafel Menace.  You can call me the Mandalorian.  Falafel is still comfortably in first place with the most points scored, but when it all falls apart in the playoffs for him, he will look back on this week and remember this is where it all started to go wrong.  At least in fantasy football.  It all started to go wrong in his life when he was 28 and accidentally fucked a donkey in Tijuana. 

As a footnote, my Draft was SO BAD this year that 116 of my 149 points this week came from post-draft acquisitions, which is not only a single week record this season, but ALL TIME in our league.

137.34 Bacon Far From Home 7-4-0 | 2nd
74.20 Extra Billy 3-8-0 | 9th

Robby has the most passing yards this season in the league and Maine has the least.  But I bet Robby would still probably trade Patrick Mahomes for Lamar “Luke” Jackson.  Holy crap, that dude can do some things.  This week it was to the tune of 4 TD passes and 35 points in leading Maine to a resounding billy club beatdown of Robby.   Maine continues his hot streak and is comfortably in second place.  (Note: “comfortably in second place” is also what Maine calls a cocktail of scotch and oral sex.)  … Meanwhile, Robby is in a 3-man race for Auction Bitch (question: Should we make the Auction Bitch wear a T-Shirt that says, “Auction Bitch”?  I feel like there’s an opportunity to make this more humiliating than it currently is…) 

Also, apropos of nothing, Robby has the most field goals in the league this season.  So he’s got that going for him.

86.41 Thong Stay Woke 6-5-0 | 5th

112.04 Rabbit of Caebannog 5-6-0 | 7th

Mike Cole has the fewest point in the league, the fewest offensive points, the fewest kicking points, and the fewest active sperm, but he still somehow beat Thong this week and is still somehow 5-6.  Let’s pass it over to Chris Collinsworth for some expert commentary – “Why IN THE FLYING FUCK did Thong leave Joe Mixon on his bench?  Back to you Al.”  It’s no wonder Thong has the fewest rushing yards in the league.  However, for the season, there is so much mediocrity behind Falafel and Maine, Thong actually still has a legit chance to make it into the playoffs.  But Mike Cole is in no-mans land.  He’s not good enough to make the playoffs and has too many wins to finish last.  It’s a zombie team, going through the motions, looking for brains….

131.31 Mr. Numbers 5-6-0 | 6th

69.24 Last season 4-7-0 | 8th

Wait till next year!  It’s hard to only score 69 points in a single week, but Steve managed to exceed expectations for suckatude yet again.  He’s lost 5 in a row, his team is cratering, and there’s no bottom in sight.  Also, “no bottom in sight” was what girls said about me in college.  Man, my ass is flat.  … Meanwhile, Mike F is hanging around like Mike D in Rounders.  He has dominant defensive points and enough interesting pieces to make a run at the payoffs. At the very least, he can make life for the league leaders more uncomfortable than when Rich "hugs" his secretary.

131.69 Stone Cold Crazy 7-4-0 | 3rd

100.43 Odd Week Snausages 6-5-0 | 4th

These two teams are so mediocre, they’re not even in the record books – good or bad.  Mazzle has the most kicking points.  That’s it.  Booooooring!  

This week Mazzle got the better of Sausage to solidify his hold on third place (the butt).  Meanwhile, sausage is due for a team name change – perhaps, “Fantasy Football Is Random From Week To Week And It’s Ridiculous To Think That My Team Would Perform Better in Odd Weeks And Worse In Even Weeks Sausage King”.

- Commish Out!

10 Reasons Why...

Dear Chickenboners,

I’m writing this special missive today to express my grave concern toward the prospect of a Falafel Championship.  It has been a peaceful and quiet decade, as there has been no success for Falafel to crow about.  He’s been mediocre or downright lousy at fantasy football, and we have all been the better for it.  Sean, Mike Frank, and The Commish have been benevolent champs out of Fairfax.  But now….

The Rise of Falafel threatens our way of life.  It seems he just can’t lose this year, and he is barreling toward an inevitable Joe Theismann/Alex Smith Memorial Trophy.  He’s unstoppable in a way we’ve never seen before.  We can’t beat him no matter what we try.  We’ve tried jinxes, reverse jinxes, impeachment inquiries, and yes…even trying to be better than him at fantasy football.

But there’s always Hope.

And remember, Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.


So, here are 10 reasons why Falafel won’t win the Chicken Bone Cup this year:

1. He’s peaked early, like Rich in high school.  Everyone knows you want your team to be playing well in Weeks 15-16, not Weeks 7-8.

2. He has the Number 1 waiver priority, which you just suspect he’s going to blow on something shiny and useless.  He’s not patient enough to wait for the best player. It’s burning a hole in his pocket, like Robby's dick after catching chlamydia.

3. He’s got competition.  Maine has his best team in years and so do the Raiders (not a coincidence).  Mazzle is in second place and has KHunt and Guice tagging in.  Meanwhile, while Odd Week Sausages is toast in Week 10 with half his team on Bye, he’s got some real talent and could be a tough out in the first round of the playoffs (Week 15).

4. He doesn’t have any Extra Billy, just the regular amount.

5. He’s counting on Russel Wilson and Tyler Lockett to show up when it counts.  But they’re at Carolina in December in Week 15, which is a damn tough matchup.

6. Speaking of that Carolina/Seattle Week 15 game, he has 50%-60% of his team’s points coming out of that game in the first round of the playoffs.  If there’s a snowstorm or high winds that day and it’s low scoring, he’s in trouble.

7. Steve could go on a major tear, make the playoffs, and beat Falafel in the championship game. Naahhhh, I’m just fucking with you all…that’s not happening…  Let’s try number 7 again…

7. He’s thinner at receiver than Sean’s hair.  Curtis Samuel is unpredictable and has a balky hammy.  A.J. Green ain’t coming back this season and Josh Gordon definitely can’t be counted on to do anything but blow off a hooker.  And don’t get me started on whatever a DJ Chark is –  Nick Foles doesn’t even know him!

8. Sure, we all know that he’s got the best group of running backs in League History.  But I don’t want to talk about that.

9. George Kittle is good, but he’s nursing knee and ankle injuries.  If he gets worse as the season goes on and San Fran has already clinched a first-round bye by then, well…who knows if he’ll even suit up?

10. The Fantasy Football Gods will punish his cocky ass in ways we haven’t even thought of.


In summary, let’s all band together and do our collective best to thwart Falafel while we still have time.

Sincerely,
- Your Unbiased Commish