Howdy folks,
With three weeks to go in the regular season, we are getting
down to the nitty gritty around here. (Note:
“Nitty” and “Gritty” are what Steve calls his testicles.) There’s a race to the top, a race to the
bottom, and a race to the middle (Mikes only).
So, it’s long past time for a massive and turgid recap, full of sound and fury,
signifying everything…
149.80 King Dong 3-8-0 | 10th
133.64 Rise of Falafel 9-2-0 | 1st
Leading the league in points from post-draft acquisitions, your trusty commish used 7 of such acquisitions and struck a blow for the whole league against the Falafel Menace. You can call me the Mandalorian. Falafel is still comfortably in first place with the most points scored, but when it all falls apart in the playoffs for him, he will look back on this week and remember this is where it all started to go wrong. At least in fantasy football. It all started to go wrong in his life when he was 28 and accidentally fucked a donkey in Tijuana.
As a footnote, my Draft was SO BAD this year that 116 of my
149 points this week came from post-draft acquisitions, which is not only a single
week record this season, but ALL TIME in our league.
137.34 Bacon Far From Home 7-4-0 | 2nd
74.20 Extra Billy 3-8-0 | 9th
Robby has the most passing yards this season in the league and Maine has the least. But I bet Robby would still probably trade Patrick Mahomes for Lamar “Luke” Jackson. Holy crap, that dude can do some things. This week it was to the tune of 4 TD passes and 35 points in leading Maine to a resounding billy club beatdown of Robby. Maine continues his hot streak and is comfortably in second place. (Note: “comfortably in second place” is also what Maine calls a cocktail of scotch and oral sex.) … Meanwhile, Robby is in a 3-man race for Auction Bitch (question: Should we make the Auction Bitch wear a T-Shirt that says, “Auction Bitch”? I feel like there’s an opportunity to make this more humiliating than it currently is…)
Also, apropos of nothing, Robby has the
most field goals in the league this season.
So he’s got that going for him.
86.41 Thong Stay Woke 6-5-0 | 5th
112.04 Rabbit of Caebannog 5-6-0 | 7th
Mike Cole has the fewest point in the league, the fewest offensive
points, the fewest kicking points, and the fewest active sperm, but he still somehow
beat Thong this week and is still somehow 5-6.
Let’s pass it over to Chris Collinsworth for some expert commentary – “Why
IN THE FLYING FUCK did Thong leave Joe Mixon on his bench? Back to you Al.” It’s no wonder Thong has the fewest rushing yards
in the league. However, for the season,
there is so much mediocrity behind Falafel and Maine, Thong actually still has
a legit chance to make it into the playoffs.
But Mike Cole is in no-mans land.
He’s not good enough to make the playoffs and has too many wins to
finish last. It’s a zombie team, going
through the motions, looking for brains….
131.31 Mr. Numbers 5-6-0 | 6th
69.24 Last season 4-7-0 | 8th
Wait till next year! It’s
hard to only score 69 points in a single week, but Steve managed to exceed
expectations for suckatude yet again. He’s
lost 5 in a row, his team is cratering, and there’s no bottom in sight. Also, “no bottom in sight” was what girls
said about me in college. Man, my ass is
flat. … Meanwhile, Mike F is hanging
around like Mike D in Rounders. He has dominant
defensive points and enough interesting pieces to make a run at the payoffs. At the very least, he can make life for the league leaders more uncomfortable than when Rich "hugs" his secretary.
131.69 Stone Cold Crazy 7-4-0 | 3rd
100.43 Odd Week Snausages 6-5-0 | 4th
These two teams are so mediocre, they’re not even in the record
books – good or bad. Mazzle has the most
kicking points. That’s it. Booooooring!
This week Mazzle got the better of Sausage to solidify his
hold on third place (the butt). Meanwhile,
sausage is due for a team name change – perhaps, “Fantasy Football Is Random
From Week To Week And It’s Ridiculous To Think That My Team Would Perform
Better in Odd Weeks And Worse In Even Weeks Sausage King”.
- Commish Out!
