I’m writing this special missive today to express my grave concern toward the prospect of a Falafel Championship. It has been a peaceful and quiet decade, as there has been no success for Falafel to crow about. He’s been mediocre or downright lousy at fantasy football, and we have all been the better for it. Sean, Mike Frank, and The Commish have been benevolent champs out of Fairfax. But now….
The Rise of Falafel threatens our way of life. It seems he just can’t lose this year, and he is barreling toward an inevitable Joe Theismann/Alex Smith Memorial Trophy. He’s unstoppable in a way we’ve never seen before. We can’t beat him no matter what we try. We’ve tried jinxes, reverse jinxes, impeachment inquiries, and yes…even trying to be better than him at fantasy football.
But there’s always Hope.
And remember, Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.
So, here are 10 reasons why Falafel won’t win the Chicken Bone Cup this year:
1. He’s peaked early, like Rich in high school. Everyone knows you want your team to be playing well in Weeks 15-16, not Weeks 7-8.
2. He has the Number 1 waiver priority, which you just suspect he’s going to blow on something shiny and useless. He’s not patient enough to wait for the best player. It’s burning a hole in his pocket, like Robby's dick after catching chlamydia.
3. He’s got competition. Maine has his best team in years and so do the Raiders (not a coincidence). Mazzle is in second place and has KHunt and Guice tagging in. Meanwhile, while Odd Week Sausages is toast in Week 10 with half his team on Bye, he’s got some real talent and could be a tough out in the first round of the playoffs (Week 15).
4. He doesn’t have any Extra Billy, just the regular amount.
5. He’s counting on Russel Wilson and Tyler Lockett to show up when it counts. But they’re at Carolina in December in Week 15, which is a damn tough matchup.
6. Speaking of that Carolina/Seattle Week 15 game, he has 50%-60% of his team’s points coming out of that game in the first round of the playoffs. If there’s a snowstorm or high winds that day and it’s low scoring, he’s in trouble.
7. Steve could go on a major tear, make the playoffs, and beat Falafel in the championship game. Naahhhh, I’m just fucking with you all…that’s not happening… Let’s try number 7 again…
7. He’s thinner at receiver than Sean’s hair. Curtis Samuel is unpredictable and has a balky hammy. A.J. Green ain’t coming back this season and Josh Gordon definitely can’t be counted on to do anything but blow off a hooker. And don’t get me started on whatever a DJ Chark is – Nick Foles doesn’t even know him!
8. Sure, we all know that he’s got the best group of running backs in League History. But I don’t want to talk about that.
9. George Kittle is good, but he’s nursing knee and ankle injuries. If he gets worse as the season goes on and San Fran has already clinched a first-round bye by then, well…who knows if he’ll even suit up?
10. The Fantasy Football Gods will punish his cocky ass in ways we haven’t even thought of.
In summary, let’s all band together and do our collective best to thwart Falafel while we still have time.
Sincerely,
- Your Unbiased Commish
