Year-End Awards - Happy New Year!!!

Howdy folks!

Congrats again to Robby for taking home his first ever Chicken Bone Cup in convincing fashion, with a record number of points scored in a title game.  (And totally crazy that if he started Miles Gaskin at Flex, he would have scored 216.60 points, which would have been a record for any week.)

Let's wrap up this dumpster fire of a year and hand out some anticlimactic awards...

Best Team Name:

Wolf Nipple Chips.  I dunno...something about it.

Worst Team Name:

#Pencefly.  I mean, get over it.  It was just a fly dude. 

Best Draft Picks:

Robby, hands down.  If he was ever going to win this thing, it was going to be because hit the lottery draft day.   Aaron Rodgers for 3 bucks, Stefon Diggs for 10 bucks. That'll do pig.  That'll do. 

Worst Draft Picks:

Steve, probably.

Best Retired Nickname:

Strobby

Worst New Nickname:

Staine?  Maven?  

Best Runner-Up:

Maine, who ran into Robby's team of destiny.  He deserved better, and should be absolved of paying any 2020 taxes.

Worst Runner-Up:

Sean, who parlayed a #1 seed into a 4th place finish, courtesy of his beloved Pittsburgh Steelers.

The Richard Spady Memorial Winner of the Jean Shorts:

Thong, natch.  

Worst Trade:

The Commish, who traded Jacobs, Woods, and Jefferson to Steve for magic beans (aka busted Kittle and McCaffrey). 

Best Luck:

Also the Commish, who could never seem to get his shit together this season and still ended up with a 2 seed and an idiotically dropped Tony Pollard from winning it all.

Worst Luck:

Though Mike Cole will contest this decision, the hands-down answer here is Thong.  He was the best team in the league and scored the most total points, but not only missed the playoffs but ended up finishing a lowly 7th!  That sucks dude.

The Mike Frank Memorial 7-7 Award For Mediocrity:

Mike Frank, who finished 7-7.

Worst Team Ever:

Falafel.  Stinky!!!  How he's not auction bitch, I'll never know.

Best COVID Beard:

Maine

Worst COVID Beard:

Thong, aka Big Red

Mr. Irrelevant:

Mazzle.  After winning it all in 2019, was he even in the league this year?

Worst Poster of the Year:

The Commish, who couldn't get his shit together with regular recaps either.  He promises to do better next year.

Poster of the Year:

This was close, but let's baldly call it a tie between Maine and Sean, who both equally roused rabble this year.  Congrats guys!  I hope this makes up for losing in the playoffs!!!

I hope everyone has a happy new year, the Dolphins make the playoffs, and we can all see each other in person for Draft Weekend 2021.

Cheers,

- The Commish

Headlines and Playoff Scenarios

Howdy folks!

It's been way too long since I've posted anything on here, and with one week left in the regular season, it's high time we checked out what's going on.  Here are the happenings...

• Steve has clinched Auction Bitch.  Despite winning his trade with me, then using those players plus Cam Akers (who I cut) against me, he still didn't have much left in the tank after botching his starting QB.  So he lost his 3rd in a row to clinch a last place finish and the glory of typing winning bids into google and misspelling the names of Patrick Maholmes, Ben Rothlissburger, DeVante Adams, Devante Parker, DeAndre Swift, and D'Andre Hopkins.  

• Mike Cole actually has a right to complain for once.  My esteemed brother has lost 5 in a row, has the 4th most points scored, and has the most points scored against him by a country mile.  All told, he's sitting at 4-9 and in a snake-bit 9th place.  We are actually all quite fortunate for Steve's ineptitude, because if Mike Cole had ended up as Auction Bitch we would have never fucking heard the end of it.

• Falafel is hot garbage.  With the least amount of points scored in the league, Travis is in 8th place but deserves so much worse.  Charles Barkley would call his team, "Not Very Good At All."  That all being said, he did play spoiler in Week 13, edging out a still-hungover-from-eating-too-much-thanksgiving-turkey Thong.

• Mazzle defends nothing.  After a playoff run for the ages last year, Bradley - despite having the least amount of points scored against him in the league - has only managed to go 5-8 and has been officially eliminated from contention.  He'll now be rooting for Thong to win it all, to save on Chicken Bone Cup shipping charges.  That's assuming he hasn't lost it entirely by now.

• Michael Seth Frank is also in this league.  With yet another 7-7 finish staring him right in the face, it's time for Michael Seth Frank to do some real soul searching.  What is he doing wrong?  Is it his auction draft strategy?  Is it his Free Agent analysis?  Is it letting a poorly trained monkey set his lineup every week?  It is a mystery!  And one that he has all offseason to think about it...

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• Thong needs help.  After losing 3 of 4, including his unfortunate loss to Travis, Rich needs help bad in Week 14.  To make the playoffs, he needs to take care of business vs. Sausage AND have either Maine or Robby lose AND score enough to overtake that loser in total points.   He can finish no higher than 3rd, but is GUARANTEED a spot in the Jean Shorts bracket.   So he's got that going for him.  

• Robby in "Mission: Very Possible."  It's simple - win and he's in.  And his opponent is the lowly Falafel.  This seems doable.  With a loss, he'll need a little help from Rich or Maine.  He can finish anywhere between 2nd and 5th.  Which coincidentally, is the range of knuckles deep he likes it.  You know, depending on his mood.

• Maine in "Mission: Very Possible 2: Rogue Protocol: The Search For Northcutt."  It's simple - win and he's in.  And his opponent is the lowly Steve, who hasn't even bothered to rename his team from the horribly outdated #Pencefly reference.  Lose, and he'll need help.  But he's got about 20 points and 4 inches on Robby, so he's got the tiebreaker edge if it comes to that.

• The Sausage is in - can you feel it?!  Sean has clinched a playoff berth and could end up anywhere between the 1st and 4th seed, depending on how this last week shakes out.  His team can absolutely win it all.  However, I will point out that with his fixation on Sausages and now Pickles (at Hanukkah), he may want to speak to a therapist.  Not sure what bearing this will have on the playoffs, but it's something to monitor.

• Commish - Waiting For McCaffery.  Every week, I check the news, and every week I wait again.  Someday Christian McCaffery will be back.  I just need to keep waiting and believing.  For even with a guaranteed 1 or 2 seed, I'm sunk unless he's in my lineup.  (And unless I can find a warm body to play at Flex, I might be sunk anyways.)  Here's hoping...

That's all I got folks.  Happy Hanukkah to those who celebrate!!!

Love, Peace, and Menorah Grease,

- The Commish