Howdy folks!
It's been way too long since I've posted anything on here, and with one week left in the regular season, it's high time we checked out what's going on. Here are the happenings...
- Steve has clinched Auction Bitch. Despite winning his trade with me, then using those players plus Cam Akers (who I cut) against me, he still didn't have much left in the tank after botching his starting QB. So he lost his 3rd in a row to clinch a last place finish and the glory of typing winning bids into google and misspelling the names of Patrick Maholmes, Ben Rothlissburger, DeVante Adams, Devante Parker, DeAndre Swift, and D'Andre Hopkins.
- Mike Cole actually has a right to complain for once. My esteemed brother has lost 5 in a row, has the 4th most points scored, and has the most points scored against him by a country mile. All told, he's sitting at 4-9 and in a snake-bit 9th place. We are actually all quite fortunate for Steve's ineptitude, because if Mike Cole had ended up as Auction Bitch we would have never fucking heard the end of it.
- Falafel is hot garbage. With the least amount of points scored in the league, Travis is in 8th place but deserves so much worse. Charles Barkley would call his team, "Not Very Good At All." That all being said, he did play spoiler in Week 13, edging out a still-hungover-from-eating-too-much-thanksgiving-turkey Thong.
- Mazzle defends nothing. After a playoff run for the ages last year, Bradley - despite having the least amount of points scored against him in the league - has only managed to go 5-8 and has been officially eliminated from contention. He'll now be rooting for Thong to win it all, to save on Chicken Bone Cup shipping charges. That's assuming he hasn't lost it entirely by now.
- Michael Seth Frank is also in this league. With yet another 7-7 finish staring him right in the face, it's time for Michael Seth Frank to do some real soul searching. What is he doing wrong? Is it his auction draft strategy? Is it his Free Agent analysis? Is it letting a poorly trained monkey set his lineup every week? It is a mystery! And one that he has all offseason to think about it...
- Thong needs help. After losing 3 of 4, including his unfortunate loss to Travis, Rich needs help bad in Week 14. To make the playoffs, he needs to take care of business vs. Sausage AND have either Maine or Robby lose AND score enough to overtake that loser in total points. He can finish no higher than 3rd, but is GUARANTEED a spot in the Jean Shorts bracket. So he's got that going for him.
- Robby in "Mission: Very Possible." It's simple - win and he's in. And his opponent is the lowly Falafel. This seems doable. With a loss, he'll need a little help from Rich or Maine. He can finish anywhere between 2nd and 5th. Which coincidentally, is the range of knuckles deep he likes it. You know, depending on his mood.
- Maine in "Mission: Very Possible 2: Rogue Protocol: The Search For Northcutt." It's simple - win and he's in. And his opponent is the lowly Steve, who hasn't even bothered to rename his team from the horribly outdated #Pencefly reference. Lose, and he'll need help. But he's got about 20 points and 4 inches on Robby, so he's got the tiebreaker edge if it comes to that.
- The Sausage is in - can you feel it?! Sean has clinched a playoff berth and could end up anywhere between the 1st and 4th seed, depending on how this last week shakes out. His team can absolutely win it all. However, I will point out that with his fixation on Sausages and now Pickles (at Hanukkah), he may want to speak to a therapist. Not sure what bearing this will have on the playoffs, but it's something to monitor.
- Commish - Waiting For McCaffery. Every week, I check the news, and every week I wait again. Someday Christian McCaffery will be back. I just need to keep waiting and believing. For even with a guaranteed 1 or 2 seed, I'm sunk unless he's in my lineup. (And unless I can find a warm body to play at Flex, I might be sunk anyways.) Here's hoping...
That's all I got folks. Happy Hanukkah to those who celebrate!!!
Love, Peace, and Menorah Grease,
- The Commish
