Week 12 Recap

Howdy Folks!

Ima gonna try to recap this week, but like you, I'm not sure what the hell is going on this season.  Some analysis of Week 12....

The worst teams this week were the best.  7 out of 10 teams scored between 113 and 124 points.  Only 2 teams started a Tight End that they drafted.  Quarterbacks were responsible for a whopping 28% of everyone's total points.  Everyone's WR3 starter only scored an average of 5.62 points.  And lastly and very weirdly, starting Kickers born in Canada or Cuba - on average - outscored Kickers born in the United States by more than double. Strange times indeed.  

Let's recap!

123.83 Polemarch 6-6-0 | 6th def. 78.71 Extra Billy 7-5-0 | 4th  

Does this story sound familiar?  So for the whole season I start DJ Moore, who has been a complete bum.  I finally get sick of him and stick him on my bench only to see him explode for 100+ yards and a TD.  Like Kenny Rogers always said, you got to know when to start em, know when to sit em.  Know when to trade a dude, know when to cut.  You never count your points, when you're sitting on a Sunday.  They'll be time enough for counting, when Monday's done.  Also, don't get a face lift from a blind plastic surgeon. Also, roasted chicken is tasty.  

114.36 Sausage Factory 7-5-0 | 5th def. 113.96 Old Dirty Bacon 5-7-0 | 7th 

Sean's craptastic team won yet again, eking out a narrow 0.4 point win against the fading Maine.  Fuck you Sean! How have you won 5 in a row?!  I hope you choke on that sausage!  

Maine had only himself to blame for starting a Gay kicker on the Rams.  Not because he was Gay, mind you, but because he was on the Rams.  I'm not offensive!  The Rams offense is offensive!

155.47 The Four Horsemen 4-8-0 | 9th  def. 121.66 Scotch & Thong 5-7-0 | 8th

Mazzle was so excited about his big win this week, he was dancing with a group of little children.  For real.  I have the video, but am saving it for a special occasion.  Also, Josh Jacobs FTW!!!

Thong is fading out of the playoff picture with the loss.  How he does the next 3 weeks will determine whether he finishes in 5th or 10th.  Also, he still has $51 to spend in FAAB. He's 5-7!  What is he saving it for, Christmas presents?  His kids are going to hate that....

147.88 My Potato Hole 4-8-0 | 10th def. 116.54 Jamie Tartt's Better Than You 7-5-0 | 2nd 

Steve, quote of the week: "Benches are for pussies!"   An incredible performance in this topsy-turvy season, saw Steve cut his entire bench on the way to a rout of the first place Falafel.  Who need a bench when your starters put up a 147 spot?  Maybe this is the new best strategy for fantasy football?  Put pressure on your starters to perform?  Is this some type of Moneyball shit?  I don't know, but I love it!

Meanwhile, after 4 straight losses, what place is Falafel in now?  Ask his incredibly intelligent mother, and you'll get a "Clomp, Clomp!" with her hoof.  Let's not count him out though.  We counted him out for the entire 2010s and look what happened last season, after a mere dozen years?!  But for reals, he's still in 2nd and we see how quickly things change around here.

124.13 Moskowitz Syndicate 8-4-0 | 1st def. 121.44 Candygram for Mongo 7-5-0 | 3rd

My faith in MFrank in raking him #1 in the Power Rankings last week was rewarded this week when he was the only top 4 team to pull off a win.  In the battle of the Mikes, he prevailed by a pretzel width. First place baby!  Pretzels and Champagne and Hookers all night baby!  That's how Mike rolls!  

Meanwhile, MCole should have totally started Christian Watson instead of Christian Kirk.  If he started the right Christian, he would have won.  This is the kind of mistake that happens when you let Jews run fantasy football teams. 

And on that note, I'll share that I made up most of those stats at the top and Robby didn't even notice.  I'll also share my opinion that the Dolphins are going to get their asses kicked in San Francisco this Sunday.  That is all.

Good luck in December everyone!  We're all going to need it!

- The Commish

Thanksgiving Power Rankings

Howdy folks!

Hope everyone is feeling awesome sliding into Thanksgiving and, like me, doing as little of my actual job as possible today before taking off the rest of the week.  Around these parts, we have 4 weeks to go in the regular season and Everything is Up For Grabs.  Things are grabbier than a clickbait headline about what the Swedish Bikini Team looks like now.  

Only 2 games separate 1st and 8th place, all 4 teams in playoff position are 7-4, and even the 9th and 10th place teams are all tied-up for Auction Bitch.  Everybody is flawed and no team is running away with it this year.  It's tighter than Falafel's mom when she was a filly.  

So let's do a proper Power Rankings, for reals this time, in order of likelihood to make the playoffs.  I'll even make up scientifically calculate some playoff odds for good measure, since I've been such a slacker this year.  

Side note, in looking at everyone's teams....boy are we all scratching and clawing to field a viable starting lineup!  It seems like we're all just making things up on a week-to-week basis. 

Anyhow, enough preamble.  Let's do it....

10 My Potato Hole  (Playoff Odds: 0%)

It's another lost season for Steve-o, who kept his shit together with the draft auction, but completely lost his mind with free agency and FAAB.  He's down to Mark Andrews, Justin Jefferson, and a bunch of spare parts.  Unless ridiculous catches from Jefferson are worth 100 points, he's looking down the barrel of Auction Bitch (and probably down a barrel of scotch too).

9 The Four Horsemen  (Playoff Odds: 0%)

Mazzle's team isn't terrible!  I mean it's not great, but it also isn't good.  But it isn't terrible!  It's just regular bad.  He's got a healthy Keenan Allen back, Jalen Hurts rockin it, and Jonathan Taylor playing better with Coach Saturday blocking for him now (or something).  But he's 3-8 and now without his boy Kyle Pitts, it's just not happening.  

8 Sausage Factory (Playoff Odds: 18%)

How has this team won 4 in a row?!  How is this team 6-5?!  What devilry is this?!  Even though he's sitting at 5th place in the standings, I can't rank Sean's craptastic team higher than this.  Fuck you Sean for being higher than me in the standings!  He's barely scored more points than Steve, for fuck sake!  Sure, he's got Dak/CD/AJ/Devante, but it's hot garbage behind that!  He's not making the playoffs.  I stake my reputation on it.  

7 Polemarch (Playoff Odds: 19%)

This might be too high for my team, as I've lost Cooper Kupp, Josh Allen has a bum elbow, and DJ Moore is in the Witness Protection Program apparently.  But I'm suddenly stacked at Running Back, Chris Olave is a stud, and after winning for the first time in 5 weeks, I'm full of frothy false hope.  It's all probably too little, too late though...

Quick Digression: In trade discussions with my esteemed brother last week, in no surprise, he tried to convince me that Cole Kmet was an upgrade for me over Pat Freirmuth.  So we now - after a contentious back-and-forth with me shaming him - have a $20 bet about who scores more fantasy points the rest of the season, per games played.  Current score:

Freirmuth: 11.90

Kmet: 5.00

6 Old Dirty Bacon (Playoff Odds: 26%)

Now we get into the realm of folks that can actually make the playoffs.  But still probably not.  Maine's team is 5-6 and legit good.  Nuk Hopkins is back, CMC is on a great offence, and Jamaal Williams just scored another touchdown even though it's Tuesday and his game is over.  I would NOT want to face Maine in the playoffs.  I also wouldn't want to play off Maine's face.  

5 Scotch & Thong (Playoff Odds: 29%)

Thong is strong.  See above note for Maine, and just sub in Thong's players.  Everything else holds.

4 Extra Billy (Playoff Odds: 69%)

The Top 4 are the Top 4.  Not because their teams are better, mind-you.  Just because they have more wins.  And when you have more wins, you tend to have a better chance of making the playoffs [Citation Needed].  Speaking of inferior 7-4 teams, hi Robby!  Humberto is relying on Joe Burrow, Travis Kelce, silly putty, and duct tape.  Woof!  If there's any team that is likely to fall out of playoff position, it's this one.  

3  Jamie Tartt's Better Than You (Playoff Odds: 77%)

Beneath the bluster, Falafel is sweating after losing 3 in a row.  Tua and Waddle are awesome (love em!) but they are due for regression and cold weather games against better teams.  Juju has a lot of competition for targets in KC.  Rhamondre will get fewer carries with Harris back from injury.  Justin Fields is hurt.  Schultz doesn't catch TDs.  For a "first place" team, there are a lot of flaws here.  Oh baby, if Falafel collapses and misses the playoffs, I would objectively have no opinion as the official and upstanding commissioner of this league.  

2  Candygram for Mongo (Playoff Odds: 80%)

Now we enter the realm of teams that can actually win this whole damn thing.  Mike Cole's team has less depth than Mike Cole as a person, but his starting lineup is pretty ok!  Mahomes. Davis, Kirk, Godwin, Watson.  Mixon, Walker.  Hockenson.  These are some names that can do juuuust enough to maybe, if things break the right way, win the whole damn thing.  And if Mike Cole won it all, that would be a damn thing....

1   Moskowitz Syndicate (Playoff Odds: 82%)

Moskowitz?  Moskowitz?  Moskowitz!!!    Mike Frank's Fighting Moskowitzes have some skillz!  Hebert, Amon-Ra, Deebo, Barkley, Chubb, Pollard.  These guys can win you the Cup.  Sure his team has holes, but who doesn't?   He's in prime playoff position, and, by the width of a pretzel, claims the top spot in the Thanksgiving Power Rankings.  Gobble gobble Mike and congrats!

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Bonus!  Commissioner's Power Ranking of Thanksgiving Sides:

10. Gravy

9. Sweet Potato Casserole

8. Cornbread

7. Mac and Cheese

6. Sweet Potatoes

5. Green Bean Casserole w/ fried onions

4. Dinner Rolls

3. Stuffing

2. Cranberry Sauce

1. Mashed Potatoes.

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Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

- The Commish

Ugggghhhhh....Week 9 Recap and Power Ranking

Ugh.

I know it's been a few weeks, but I want to write one of these recaps about as much as the Dolphins want to tackle Justin Fields.  Which is to say, apparently not at all.

So here's a rambling bullet-point recap of Week 9...

• The top 3 teams in the league all lost.  Seems like things are up for grabs even more than usual around here.

• I lost for the 3rd time in 3 weeks, by 38 points to Thong.  That's just embarrassing. Thong paid $4 to pick up the New England defense while I cheaped out and went with Minnesota instead.  That was a 40 point swing right there.  Sometimes it's the little things that get ya.  If Josh Allen's elbow is busted, I'll see you all next season.  

• Thong is in 5th Place, a.k.a. Jean Shorts Place, a.k.a. Thong Memorial Place.  I bet if you did the research - which I never will - historically, Thong has spent more time in 5th and 10th places than all other places combined.  

• Robby put up a week low 75 points and has lost 2 in a row, but still stands in 3rd place.  He hasn't won since he ran and completed the Marine Corps Marathon last Sunday morning.  Coincidence?  Probably!  But congrats to him anyways!

• Maine kicked Robby's ass, in large part to Tyreek Hill.  And Robby was kind of ok with that actually.  

• Sausage 85.01 - Mazzle 84.84.  Wow, this one was closer than the 1973 Kentucky Derby, where Travis's mom lost by a nose. ... Sausage is in 8th Place at 4-5, just hanging around, hanging around.  Kid's got alligator blood. Can't get rid of him.

• Also, Mazzle has been bitching about all the points scored against him this season, but even looking at 85 points on the other side of the table, he couldn't get it done.  Mazzle is stuck in Auction Bitch place, and he's out of excuses.

• OK, now we come to Michael Cole, who is itching for this recap more than that time in college when he got crabs from the UNC men's volleyball team.  Though he put up 193 and beat Travis this week, Michael still missed out on the all-time points record, which actually came against him. In Week 10 of the 2018 Season, Travis beat Michael 196-84, which, in addition to the all-time highest weekly point total, is also still the all-time largest margin of victory.  Now that's how you dominate someone....

• And last but not least, Mike Frank had half his team on bye.  Even against Steve, that wasn't going to end well.  And it didn't, to the tune of 75 points and a resounding thud.  The surprising part was Steve putting up 141 points for NO REASON WHATSOEVER.  Well I guess his players had lots of yards and touchdowns, but except for that, NO REASON WHATSOEVER.

And that's a recap everyone.  

And here's your Power Ranking:

1. Marvel's The Avengers (2012)
2. Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)
3. Avengers: Infinity War (2018)
4. Thor: Ragnarok (2017)
5. Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)
6. Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
7. Captain America: Civil War (2016)
8. Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
9. Avengers: Endgame (2019)
10. Iron Man (2008)
11. Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019)
12. Ant-Man (2015)
13. Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
14. Thor (2011)
15. Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)
16. Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021)
17. Doctor Strange (2016)
18. Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018)
19. Iron Man 3 (2013)
20. Captain Marvel (2019)
21. Black Panther (2018)
22. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017)
23. Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Madness (2016)
24. Black Widow (2021)
25. Thor: Love and Thunder (2022)
26. Thor: The Dark World (2013)
27. Iron Man 2 (2010)
28. The Incredible Hulk (2008)
29. The Eternals (2021)

Cheers,

The Commish