Howdy folks!
Hope everyone is feeling awesome sliding into Thanksgiving and, like me, doing as little of my actual job as possible today before taking off the rest of the week. Around these parts, we have 4 weeks to go in the regular season and Everything is Up For Grabs. Things are grabbier than a clickbait headline about what the Swedish Bikini Team looks like now.
Only 2 games separate 1st and 8th place, all 4 teams in playoff position are 7-4, and even the 9th and 10th place teams are all tied-up for Auction Bitch. Everybody is flawed and no team is running away with it this year. It's tighter than Falafel's mom when she was a filly.
So let's do a proper Power Rankings, for reals this time, in order of likelihood to make the playoffs. I'll even make up scientifically calculate some playoff odds for good measure, since I've been such a slacker this year.
Side note, in looking at everyone's teams....boy are we all scratching and clawing to field a viable starting lineup! It seems like we're all just making things up on a week-to-week basis.
Anyhow, enough preamble. Let's do it....
10 My Potato Hole (Playoff Odds: 0%)
It's another lost season for Steve-o, who kept his shit together with the draft auction, but completely lost his mind with free agency and FAAB. He's down to Mark Andrews, Justin Jefferson, and a bunch of spare parts. Unless ridiculous catches from Jefferson are worth 100 points, he's looking down the barrel of Auction Bitch (and probably down a barrel of scotch too).
9 The Four Horsemen (Playoff Odds: 0%)
Mazzle's team isn't terrible! I mean it's not great, but it also isn't good. But it isn't terrible! It's just regular bad. He's got a healthy Keenan Allen back, Jalen Hurts rockin it, and Jonathan Taylor playing better with Coach Saturday blocking for him now (or something). But he's 3-8 and now without his boy Kyle Pitts, it's just not happening.
8 Sausage Factory (Playoff Odds: 18%)
How has this team won 4 in a row?! How is this team 6-5?! What devilry is this?! Even though he's sitting at 5th place in the standings, I can't rank Sean's craptastic team higher than this. Fuck you Sean for being higher than me in the standings! He's barely scored more points than Steve, for fuck sake! Sure, he's got Dak/CD/AJ/Devante, but it's hot garbage behind that! He's not making the playoffs. I stake my reputation on it.
7 Polemarch (Playoff Odds: 19%)
This might be too high for my team, as I've lost Cooper Kupp, Josh Allen has a bum elbow, and DJ Moore is in the Witness Protection Program apparently. But I'm suddenly stacked at Running Back, Chris Olave is a stud, and after winning for the first time in 5 weeks, I'm full of frothy false hope. It's all probably too little, too late though...
Quick Digression: In trade discussions with my esteemed brother last week, in no surprise, he tried to convince me that Cole Kmet was an upgrade for me over Pat Freirmuth. So we now - after a contentious back-and-forth with me shaming him - have a $20 bet about who scores more fantasy points the rest of the season, per games played. Current score:
Freirmuth: 11.90
Kmet: 5.00
6 Old Dirty Bacon (Playoff Odds: 26%)
Now we get into the realm of folks that can actually make the playoffs. But still probably not. Maine's team is 5-6 and legit good. Nuk Hopkins is back, CMC is on a great offence, and Jamaal Williams just scored another touchdown even though it's Tuesday and his game is over. I would NOT want to face Maine in the playoffs. I also wouldn't want to play off Maine's face.
5 Scotch & Thong (Playoff Odds: 29%)
Thong is strong. See above note for Maine, and just sub in Thong's players. Everything else holds.
4 Extra Billy (Playoff Odds: 69%)
The Top 4 are the Top 4. Not because their teams are better, mind-you. Just because they have more wins. And when you have more wins, you tend to have a better chance of making the playoffs [Citation Needed]. Speaking of inferior 7-4 teams, hi Robby! Humberto is relying on Joe Burrow, Travis Kelce, silly putty, and duct tape. Woof! If there's any team that is likely to fall out of playoff position, it's this one.
3 Jamie Tartt's Better Than You (Playoff Odds: 77%)
Beneath the bluster, Falafel is sweating after losing 3 in a row. Tua and Waddle are awesome (love em!) but they are due for regression and cold weather games against better teams. Juju has a lot of competition for targets in KC. Rhamondre will get fewer carries with Harris back from injury. Justin Fields is hurt. Schultz doesn't catch TDs. For a "first place" team, there are a lot of flaws here. Oh baby, if Falafel collapses and misses the playoffs, I would objectively have no opinion as the official and upstanding commissioner of this league.
2 Candygram for Mongo (Playoff Odds: 80%)
Now we enter the realm of teams that can actually win this whole damn thing. Mike Cole's team has less depth than Mike Cole as a person, but his starting lineup is pretty ok! Mahomes. Davis, Kirk, Godwin, Watson. Mixon, Walker. Hockenson. These are some names that can do juuuust enough to maybe, if things break the right way, win the whole damn thing. And if Mike Cole won it all, that would be a damn thing....
1 Moskowitz Syndicate (Playoff Odds: 82%)
Moskowitz? Moskowitz? Moskowitz!!! Mike Frank's Fighting Moskowitzes have some skillz! Hebert, Amon-Ra, Deebo, Barkley, Chubb, Pollard. These guys can win you the Cup. Sure his team has holes, but who doesn't? He's in prime playoff position, and, by the width of a pretzel, claims the top spot in the Thanksgiving Power Rankings. Gobble gobble Mike and congrats!
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Bonus! Commissioner's Power Ranking of Thanksgiving Sides:
10. Gravy
9. Sweet Potato Casserole
8. Cornbread
7. Mac and Cheese
6. Sweet Potatoes
5. Green Bean Casserole w/ fried onions
4. Dinner Rolls
3. Stuffing
2. Cranberry Sauce
1. Mashed Potatoes.
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Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
- The Commish
