Howdy Folks!
Ima gonna try to recap this week, but like you, I'm not sure what the hell is going on this season. Some analysis of Week 12....
The worst teams this week were the best. 7 out of 10 teams scored between 113 and 124 points. Only 2 teams started a Tight End that they drafted. Quarterbacks were responsible for a whopping 28% of everyone's total points. Everyone's WR3 starter only scored an average of 5.62 points. And lastly and very weirdly, starting Kickers born in Canada or Cuba - on average - outscored Kickers born in the United States by more than double. Strange times indeed.
Let's recap!
123.83 Polemarch 6-6-0 | 6th def. 78.71 Extra Billy 7-5-0 | 4th
Does this story sound familiar? So for the whole season I start DJ Moore, who has been a complete bum. I finally get sick of him and stick him on my bench only to see him explode for 100+ yards and a TD. Like Kenny Rogers always said, you got to know when to start em, know when to sit em. Know when to trade a dude, know when to cut. You never count your points, when you're sitting on a Sunday. They'll be time enough for counting, when Monday's done. Also, don't get a face lift from a blind plastic surgeon. Also, roasted chicken is tasty.
114.36 Sausage Factory 7-5-0 | 5th def. 113.96 Old Dirty Bacon 5-7-0 | 7th
Sean's craptastic team won yet again, eking out a narrow 0.4 point win against the fading Maine. Fuck you Sean! How have you won 5 in a row?! I hope you choke on that sausage!
Maine had only himself to blame for starting a Gay kicker on the Rams. Not because he was Gay, mind you, but because he was on the Rams. I'm not offensive! The Rams offense is offensive!
155.47 The Four Horsemen 4-8-0 | 9th def. 121.66 Scotch & Thong 5-7-0 | 8th
Mazzle was so excited about his big win this week, he was dancing with a group of little children. For real. I have the video, but am saving it for a special occasion. Also, Josh Jacobs FTW!!!
Thong is fading out of the playoff picture with the loss. How he does the next 3 weeks will determine whether he finishes in 5th or 10th. Also, he still has $51 to spend in FAAB. He's 5-7! What is he saving it for, Christmas presents? His kids are going to hate that....
147.88 My Potato Hole 4-8-0 | 10th def. 116.54 Jamie Tartt's Better Than You 7-5-0 | 2nd
Steve, quote of the week: "Benches are for pussies!" An incredible performance in this topsy-turvy season, saw Steve cut his entire bench on the way to a rout of the first place Falafel. Who need a bench when your starters put up a 147 spot? Maybe this is the new best strategy for fantasy football? Put pressure on your starters to perform? Is this some type of Moneyball shit? I don't know, but I love it!
Meanwhile, after 4 straight losses, what place is Falafel in now? Ask his incredibly intelligent mother, and you'll get a "Clomp, Clomp!" with her hoof. Let's not count him out though. We counted him out for the entire 2010s and look what happened last season, after a mere dozen years?! But for reals, he's still in 2nd and we see how quickly things change around here.
124.13 Moskowitz Syndicate 8-4-0 | 1st def. 121.44 Candygram for Mongo 7-5-0 | 3rd
My faith in MFrank in raking him #1 in the Power Rankings last week was rewarded this week when he was the only top 4 team to pull off a win. In the battle of the Mikes, he prevailed by a pretzel width. First place baby! Pretzels and Champagne and Hookers all night baby! That's how Mike rolls!
Meanwhile, MCole should have totally started Christian Watson instead of Christian Kirk. If he started the right Christian, he would have won. This is the kind of mistake that happens when you let Jews run fantasy football teams.
And on that note, I'll share that I made up most of those stats at the top and Robby didn't even notice. I'll also share my opinion that the Dolphins are going to get their asses kicked in San Francisco this Sunday. That is all.
Good luck in December everyone! We're all going to need it!
- The Commish
